After my heroic kid-saving adventure (and cashing in that sweet, sweet hundred bucks), I strutted back to my apartment like I owned the entire city.
I kicked the door shut behind me and flopped onto my bed.
"System," I said, hands behind my head, "I am on fire today. Gimme another task. Let's keep this money train rolling."
The screen shimmered, almost like it was thinking.
Then it popped up:
[New Task: Tell a joke and make someone laugh]
[Reward: $75]
I grinned. "Pfft, easy."
I had jokes for days. I was practically a walking meme machine.
I grabbed my phone and texted my old buddy Kyle, who I knew was always down for dumb jokes.
Me:
"Why don't skeletons fight each other?"
Kyle:
"Dunno. Why?"
Me:
"They don't have the guts."
I sat there, staring at the screen, waiting for the "Ding!" of task completion.
Nothing.
Instead, Kyle texted back:
Kyle:
"Bro that was terrible. Blocked."
I blinked.
"...RUDE."
"Alright, fine," I muttered. "System wants me to work for it, huh?"
I decided to go for the nuclear option:
Dad jokes.
I stormed into the hallway, where my neighbor Mr. Jenkins was struggling to get his newspaper off the ground. (The guy was like eighty years old and hated everything, including me.)
I scooped up the paper and handed it to him with my best innocent smile.
"Thanks," he grunted.
"Hey, Mr. Jenkins," I said, trying to sound casual. "Why did the scarecrow win an award?"
He narrowed his eyes. "Why."
"Because he was outstanding in his field!"
Silence.
The tension was so thick, you could've buttered toast with it.
Then, out of nowhere...
Mr. Jenkins snorted.
It wasn't a full laugh — more like a cough with attitude — but it counted.
Ding!
[Task Completed!]
[+$75 deposited to your account]
I threw my arms up in victory.
"YEAH, BABY! WHO'S OUTSTANDING NOW?!"
Mr. Jenkins just muttered something about "damn kids" and shuffled back into his apartment, but I didn't care.
Money secured.
I was officially a professional idiot.
I sauntered back inside, ready for whatever the system threw at me next.
The screen flickered again.
[New Task: Dance like no one's watching (but everyone will be)]
[Reward: $150]
I stared at the screen.
"...Are you serious right now?"
Dance?
In public??
For a second, I considered rejecting it. Turning it down. Keeping my last shred of dignity.
But then I thought about $150.
And dignity suddenly didn't seem that important.
"Fine," I said through gritted teeth. "You want a show? You'll GET a show."
Five minutes later, I was standing in the middle of the town square with my hoodie pulled up over my head like a sad, broke ninja.
I pulled out my phone, found the most obnoxious pop song I could, and cranked the volume.
People were already staring.
I swallowed my pride, took a deep breath, and—
I DANCED.
And when I say "danced," I mean flailing like a wounded octopus having a seizure.
Arms everywhere. Legs doing things they shouldn't.
At one point, I'm pretty sure I accidentally invented a new martial art move called "The Sad Tornado."
A group of teenagers nearby started laughing. Somebody pulled out their phone.
Yup. I was 100% getting posted to some cringe compilation later.
Ding!
[Task Completed!]
[+$150 deposited to your account]
I gasped for air, doubled over in exhaustion.
Some random dude clapped for me.
"Yeah, bro! Chase that bag!"
I gave him a thumbs up. A very sweaty, defeated thumbs up.
Then I sprinted back to my apartment like my life depended on it.
Collapsing onto my bed again, panting like a dog that just chased its own tail into the next city, I looked at my bank balance.
It had never looked so beautiful.
Was it embarrassing?
Yes.
Did I have regrets?
...Maybe like, two.
But was it worth it?
Absolutely.
"Alright, system," I said between gulps of water. "What's next? Bring it on."
The screen flickered, then slowly displayed:
[New Task: Pet a dog]
[Reward: $25]
I sat up so fast I almost fell off the bed.
"DOGS?? YOU'RE SENDING ME ON A DOG QUEST??"
This was officially the best day of my life.
I stared at the screen.
[New Task: Pet a dog]
[Reward: $25]
I stared at it harder.
I felt my soul physically leave my body.
"System," I whispered, voice shaking, "we need to talk about boundaries."
Look, it's not like I hate dogs. I just... don't trust them.
They're all waggy tails and drooly smiles one second, then CHOMP—suddenly you're missing a finger.
When I was a kid, my neighbor's chihuahua (may he rot in hell) bit my ankle so hard I had a scar for three years.
Ever since then, I kept my distance.
But $25... was $25.
And also, I was kinda starting to crave the dopamine hit of completing tasks like some sort of money-hungry raccoon.
So.
Operation Dog Touch was a go.
I walked to the nearest park, hoodie up, hands jammed deep in my pockets, looking like I was about to commit tax fraud or something.
There were dogs everywhere.
Big ones.
Small ones.
Ones that looked like mop heads with legs.
Ones that looked like they could legally drive a car and file taxes.
I gulped.
"Okay, Allen," I muttered. "It's just a dog. A dog who probably doesn't want to eat your face. Probably."
I spotted a fluffy golden retriever lying in the grass, looking as harmless as a stuffed animal.
His owner sat nearby, scrolling on their phone.
Perfect. Low-risk target.
I tiptoed closer like a ninja sneaking up on a landmine.
The dog noticed me immediately, tail thumping against the ground.
"Hi there, buddy," I said, voice cracking like a teenager on karaoke night.
The golden retriever's tongue lolled out happily.
I reached out a trembling hand.
The dog leaned in, tongue slapping across my palm like a wet slap of betrayal.
I screamed internally.
But—I patted his head. Once. Lightly. Like I was defusing a bomb.
Ding!
[Task Completed!]
[+$25 deposited to your account]
Relief flooded me so hard I almost collapsed.
"I'm alive," I whispered. "I pet the beast and I'm alive."
The golden retriever wagged his tail even harder, like he wanted to be my new best friend.
I backed away slowly, like I was leaving a crime scene.
Mission accomplished.
I was halfway home, victory practically oozing out of me, when the system dinged again.
[New Task: Pet 5 more dogs]
[Reward: $200]
I stopped walking.
I stared at the screen like it had personally betrayed me.
"ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!"
Five more?? That's not a task, that's a suicide mission!
But two hundred bucks was on the line. TWO. HUNDRED. BUCKS.
I could not turn that down.
So, with the slow, defeated walk of a man going to his own funeral, I trudged back toward the park.
Dog #1 was a tiny pug waddling along like a loaf of bread with legs. Easy mode.
I knelt down. The pug immediately sneezed in my face.
"Respectfully, ew," I gagged, but I patted his wrinkly potato body anyway.
Ding!
Dog #2 was a bulldog that barked like it had a personal grudge against me. I approached it like you approach a possessed doll: slowly, with deep regrets.
One quick head-pat and I retreated like a coward.
Ding!
Dog #3 was a pomeranian wearing a pink tutu.
He growled like a demon trapped in a cotton ball.
I hesitated.
He bared his tiny teeth.
I cried a little inside.
But I poked him on the head like I was pressing a cursed button.
Ding!
Three down, two to go.
Then came Dog #4: a freaking Great Dane the size of a small horse.
I stood there, staring up at him.
He stared down at me.
It was the most intense staring contest of my life.
"...Good boy?" I offered weakly.
The Great Dane let out a woof that shook my internal organs, but he flopped down lazily.
I edged forward like I was crossing enemy territory, gave him a quick head scratch, and RAN.
Ding!
Finally, Dog #5.
The final boss.
An angry-looking chihuahua in a rhinestone collar, glaring at me from its owner's designer purse.
It was HIM.
It was chihuahua energy.
The energy of ankle-biters and pure evil.
I broke out in a cold sweat.
The owner smiled sweetly at me. "You can pet her if you want! She loves people!"
LIES.
But I had come too far to chicken out now.
I inched closer.
The chihuahua growled, a tiny chainsaw revving to life.
I reached out one shaking finger.
The chihuahua snapped at me—and missed.
I squeaked. Yes, squeaked. But I managed to tap the tip of her fuzzy head before yanking my hand back like it was on fire.
Ding!
[Task Completed!]
[+$200 deposited to your account]
I almost collapsed from relief right there in the middle of the sidewalk.
Dragging myself home, covered in dog hair, pride completely obliterated, I threw myself onto my bed.
"System," I gasped. "You're a menace. But... I respect you."
The screen flickered happily.
[New Task: Take a nap]
[Reward: $10]
I didn't even argue.
I passed out face-first into my pillow, dreams filled with barking, chihuahuas, and the sweet sound of money rolling in.