The evening was perfect.
Mia was still laughing about Marshmallow trying to steal a funnel cake from an unsuspecting toddler, my hand was still warm from hers, and the system was radiating pure smugness.
I was winning at life for once.
Naturally, that's when fate decided to kick me straight in the teeth.
BZZZT.
My phone buzzed so hard it nearly leapt out of my pocket like it was trying to escape.
I flinched, fumbling to grab it before it hit the pavement.
Mia glanced over curiously.
"Everything okay?"
"Yup!" I squeaked. "Definitely! Normal phone stuff! Super normal and boring!"
(Translation: I was lying so hard, my pants were moments away from spontaneous combustion.)
I peeked at the screen, heart already pounding.
Group Chat: The Lonely Legends
New Message: [19 Unread Messages]
Oh no.
Oh no no no.
THE PORN GROUP CHAT.
I'd made the rookie mistake of not muting it after adding myself weeks ago during a particularly low moment of loneliness and extremely bad judgment.
And now?
Now they were popping off like it was freakin' Mardi Gras.
Picture 1/Video 1/Link 1/Link 2/Picture 2
It was a parade of sheer, unrelenting filth.
A never-ending tsunami of poorly lit nudes, suspicious links, and videos that absolutely violated the Geneva Convention.
My palms started sweating so much I could've watered a small houseplant.
And just to really twist the knife—
My phone started hanging.
Like, full-on lagging.
Videos trying to auto-download.
Pictures half-loading.
Notifications stacking up faster than I could swipe them away.
I desperately thumbed the power button, but my phone just flashed the cursed little spinning circle like, "lol no."
I could feel Mia's eyes on me, curious, patient, like she wasn't watching my entire soul catch on fire inside my body.
Marshmallow gave me a look of pure, savage judgment.
The system pinged, utterly unhelpful:
[New Mini-Task: Survive Embarrassment Without Running Away!]
[Reward: +$300]
Gee. Thanks, system.
Real supportive.
My fingers moved faster than they'd ever moved in my life, trying to smash the notifications closed, but each time I touched the screen, another glorious tragedy loaded itself up:
[Pic_001.jpg]
[Video_001.mp4]
[Join the LIVE show, Big Boiiii!]
[Link to Something You Can't Unsee.com]
[Pic_002.jpg]
The phone practically sizzled in my hand from sheer unholy energy.
Somewhere, in the distance, I was pretty sure I could hear the faint, tragic notes of a sad violin playing just for me.
"I-It's just a group chat," I croaked, voice hitting a truly heroic level of cracking.
"Oh yeah?" Mia said, raising an eyebrow, clearly way too entertained. "What kind of group chat?"
DEAR GOD.
I was going to die.
Right here.
Right now.
Smothered under an avalanche of porn gifs and bad decisions.
I had two options:
1. Tell her the truth and die of shame.
2. Lie like my life depended on it.
I took the only logical choice.
"It's, uh, a... a meme group," I lied, smiling so wide my face hurt. "You know. Funny stuff. Haha. Very funny. Very memes."
I think my left eye twitched.
Mia just laughed.
"Memes, huh? I'll have to see some sometime."
"NO— I mean, haha, sure, maybe later!" I babbled, shoving the phone into my pocket like it was radioactive.
The system was absolutely howling:
[You Survived the Embarrassment!] [Reward: +$300]
Marshmallow barked once, like he knew my sins.
___
We kept walking after that, but I could feel my ears burning the whole way.
At least Mia didn't seem weirded out — more like... amused.
Like she thought my awkwardness was charming.
(Miracles were real, folks.)
As the sun dipped lower, my phone buzzed one last time with a new task:
[New Task: Invite Her To A Real Date - Dinner Or Movie!]
[Reward: $1,000]
My heart thudded.
This was it.
Boss Battle Time.
I glanced at Mia, who was smiling softly at the sunset, her hand still brushing against mine.
Okay, Allen.
Don't screw this up.
I inhaled like I was about to deliver a TED Talk on the emotional complexities of spaghetti.
"Hey, Mia?" I said, voice wobbling just a little less than a baby deer on ice.
She turned to me, still smiling, her hair catching the fading sunlight like some kind of casual goddess. Marshmallow, the fuzzy gremlin, had plopped himself dramatically in the grass nearby, clearly over our human nonsense.
"Yeah?" she asked.
Okay, Allen. Deep breath. You got this.
Just ask.
Like a normal human man.
A normal. Human. Man.
With a functional brain.
"I was wondering if you, um—" I paused to recalibrate my entire vocabulary, "—maybe wanted to go out sometime? Like, properly. I mean, not that this wasn't proper! This was great! Amazing, even! Funnel cakes and dog-related crimes? Iconic! But I mean like a... date date."
Smooth.
Like gravel.
She blinked.
I immediately began mentally composing my "It Was Nice Knowing You" goodbye speech to the universe.
Then—
Her grin widened. "A date date, huh?"
I nodded like an aggressively polite bobblehead.
"I'd love that," she said.
OH THANK THE SYSTEM.
Before I could break into a full victory dance right there in the middle of the park, the system chimed in with all the grace of a smug casino jackpot bell:
[Task Complete: You Asked Her Out Like a Grown-Up!]
[Reward: +$1,000]
[Bonus Achieved: She Said Yes! +$500 Extra]
[New Mission: Plan The Perfect Date - Choose Between 'Movie Night Magic' or 'Fancy Dinner Chaos']
[Reward: TBD Depending On Performance]
Well damn. They were letting me choose my chaos flavor now?
I looked at Mia. "So... movies or dinner? I promise I won't bring Marshmallow unless it's a dog-friendly bistro."
Mia smirked, tugging her hair behind one ear. "Dinner. And you better not bring Marshmallow. He's a food thief and a shameless flirt."
"Fair," I said. "He gets it from me."
She snorted, and my ego swelled like a balloon that was not about to explode from shame for once.
As we walked back to the parking lot, I swore I could feel the winds of fate shifting. Or maybe that was just Marshmallow farting again. Hard to say.
Either way—this was progress.
I had a date.
I had dignity (barely).
And my phone, miraculously, hadn't burst into flames.
...Yet.