It started with a knock.
A sharp, precise, government-grade knock.
TUK TUK TUK.
Tia dropped her cereal bowl in terror.
Mr. Floofers hissed like a frying pan.
Ba'zaroth peeked through the window blinds.
"It's a dude in a cheap suit. Holding a clipboard," he growled. "I don't like him."
Lady Eugenia floated by, wringing her hands.
"Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear! It's The Normalcy Inspector!"
Ellis dropped his screwdriver.DJ Deadbeat unplugged the entire house.
Tia's heart seized.
Normalcy Inspectors were the government's way of making sure properties weren't "infested with supernatural anomalies."
Too many violations = eviction.
Or worse.
Government Exorcism.
Tia grabbed a broomstick.
Not to fight.
To clean like her life depended on it.
The Plan:
Hide the obvious ghosts. (Ba'zaroth, Lady Eugenia, Deadbeat.)
Make Ellis pretend to be her very normal cousin.
Make Mr. Floofers look like a regular cat.
Hope the house doesn't start bleeding walls again.
"Everyone act NATURAL," Tia hissed.
Ba'zaroth morphed into a suspiciously normal-looking man in cargo shorts and a T-shirt that said:"I LOVE PAYING TAXES."
Deadbeat put on a human costume: baseball cap, fake mustache, and a "Walmart Manager of the Month" badge.
Lady Eugenia squeezed into a body pillow cover and pretended to be an art piece called "Sad Victorian Chic."
Ellis wore a flannel and tried to remember how to act like someone with a soul.
Mr. Floofers… well… Mr. Floofers was just vibing.
Another knock.
Tia sucked in a deep breath and opened the door.
A thin, sweaty man stood there, adjusting his government ID badge.
"Reginald P. Normalman, Inspector of Normalcy Affairs," he barked.
Tia blinked.
"That's... your real name?"
He glared at her.
"May I enter?"
As he stepped inside, his eyes darted everywhere.
His pen scribbled furiously on the clipboard.
Tia plastered on the fakest smile in human history.
"So!" she said brightly. "Welcome to my extremely ordinary home! Absolutely nothing weird here!"
Reginald P. Normalman grunted.
He tapped a strange-looking device against the walls.
It beeped ominously.
Tia noticed Mr. Floofers doing the Macarena in the corner and hissed under her breath, "STOP IT, YOU FURRY BETRAYER."
First Room: Living Room.
Reginald sniffed the air.
"Smells... smoky."
"FIREPLACE!" Ba'zaroth yelled, far too loudly."I LOVE REGULAR HUMAN FIRES."
Reginald narrowed his eyes at Ba'zaroth.
"You seem... familiar."
Ba'zaroth coughed."Definitely not an exiled demon prince, ha ha."
Tia laughed so hard she choked on her own tongue.
Second Room: Kitchen.
Reginald ran a gloved finger over the counter.
Dust sparkled.
"Sanitary... acceptable."
Then he spotted Deadbeat, who was standing motionless next to the fridge.
"Who's this?"
Tia broke into a cold sweat.
"Uh, that's Chad... our... fridge consultant."
Deadbeat tipped his baseball cap.
"Fridges. Cold. Real important."
Reginald scribbled furiously.
Tia nearly passed out from relief.
Third Room: Bathroom.
Reginald opened the door.
A haunted rubber duck floated past his head, softly whistling the X-Files theme.
There was a full five seconds of dead silence.
Reginald slowly shut the door.
"I didn't see anything," he said flatly.
Tia almost cried from gratitude.
Fourth Room: Backyard.
Reginald stepped outside.
He inspected the lawn.
The trees.
The haunted scarecrow in the back corner.
The scarecrow blinked at him.
Reginald paused.
"...Is that scarecrow supposed to do that?"
Ellis coughed.
"Advanced... scarecrow technology. Good for... birds. And raccoons. And... um, spectral deer."
Reginald nodded.
"Smart."
Final Inspection: The Vibe Check.
Reginald stood in the middle of the house.
All the residents lined up, trying to look as painfully normal as possible.
He studied them.
Sniffed the air.
Narrowed his eyes.
Tia's heart hammered so hard she was sure everyone could hear it.
Finally, Reginald clicked his pen shut.
"Hmph. Against my better judgment..." he said.
He pulled out a giant red stamp.
APPROVED.
Tia collapsed onto the floor.
Ba'zaroth punched the air.
Deadbeat played a victory sound effect on his phone.
Lady Eugenia floated triumphantly in her pillowcase costume.
Mr. Floofers performed a celebratory somersault.
Ellis cried into a sandwich.
Reginald headed for the door.
He paused.
Looked back.
"You know," he said slowly. "Some houses... pretend to be normal."
He looked them all over.
"But real normal... is way weirder than ghosts."
And with that profound bombshell, he left.
The door slammed shut behind him.
AFTERMATH:
The gang immediately ripped up the fake badges.
DJ Deadbeat blasted haunted dubstep.
Ba'zaroth summoned pizza with a fire spell (it landed upside down but still edible).
Lady Eugenia declared it a National Holiday:"WE FAKED NORMALCY DAY."
Tia raised her cup of victory ghost cocoa.
"To weirdness," she said.
Everyone cheered.
Mr. Floofers belched spectral fire.
Tia smiled.
Because at Ramelan House, pretending to be normal was the weirdest thing they'd ever done.
And she wouldn't trade it for anything.