You know those moments when you have so many things you want to say, but your mouth refuses to cooperate? Your brain's like, "Say it, girl! Speak your mind!" but your lips go, "Not today, sweetheart."That's me. Every single day.
I have a list. A mental list of things I wish I could say out loud. To Ire. To Bryant. To my classmates. Even to my teachers. But do I say them? No. Because apparently, I'm a certified coward with a PhD in bottling things up.
For example:
To Ire:"Hey, remember when we promised we'd never let stupid things or people get between us? Guess what? You're the stupid thing now."But instead, when she passes by and says, "Hi Amiya," I just smile like a confused goat.
To Bryant:"Hi, it's me, the girl who's been hopelessly in love with you since JSS2. You probably don't notice, but I exist. I'm not a tree or a piece of furniture. I have feelings. And a face. And you should totally fall in love with me."But do I say that? Nope. I just keep stealing glances at him like a badly-behaved CCTV camera.
To my classmates:"Could you all stop treating me like I'm invisible? I'm literally right here. I have hands, eyes, and yes — I'm capable of having conversations too. Shocking, I know."But instead, I sit quietly at the back, scribbling nonsense in my notebook so I don't have to make eye contact.
Even to myself, there are things I can't say. Like how sometimes I feel like maybe there's something wrong with me. That maybe I'm just not the type of person people want to be friends with. Maybe I talk too little. Maybe my jokes aren't funny. Maybe my face screams "avoid me" and no one's brave enough to tell me.
I once tried making a joke in class. It was during history, and the teacher was talking about ancient torture methods. I said, "Sounds like how it feels doing math homework."Guess what?Silence.The kind of silence that makes you wish you could turn invisible or dissolve into thin air like a Marvel character after the snap.
I literally wanted to crawl into my desk and vanish.
But here's the thing — in my head, I'm hilarious. In my head, I'm that girl everyone wants to be around. The funny one. The cool one. The one who makes clever comments and has everyone laughing.Too bad my actual life doesn't match the fantasy in my head.
And you know what else I wish I could say?"I'm not okay."I wish I could look someone in the eye — anyone — and just say it without them telling me to "cheer up" or "stop being dramatic."I'm not being dramatic. I'm just tired. Exhausted, actually.
But people don't like hearing about sadness. It makes them uncomfortable. They prefer when you plaster on a fake smile and pretend you're fine. So I do.
Even though half the time, I feel like my heart's holding a "HELP WANTED" sign.
So now, all those unsaid things stay trapped inside me. Bottled up like a fizzy drink someone's been shaking for too long. One day, it's going to explode. Probably at a very awkward, inconvenient time — like during assembly when someone's reading the Bible passage and I just scream "I'M NOT OKAY!"Wouldn't that be a moment.
Dear Diary,There's a long list of things I wish I could say out loud, but for now, they'll live here with you.Thank you for being my imaginary therapist. If you could charge money, I'd owe you my entire life savings — which is currently ₦350 and one broken keyholder.
I'll survive. Maybe.– Amiya