---
"I said no robes!" Lin Feng yelled, waving his arms like an angry pigeon. "And no chanting! And no forming weirdly synchronized ghost yoga formations!"
The ghostly cultivators looked at one another, then back at Lin Feng with hopeful, glowing eyes.
"But Master," said a polite ghost with six eyebrows and a very transparent beard, "we've already embroidered your name on the back. Look!"
He held up a flowing, ethereal robe that shimmered with the words:
"Lin Feng's Afterlife Wellness: Breathe, Float, Transcend."
Flame Duck quacked approvingly and strutted around in a ghost-sized version with tiny sleeves.
Bai Xue pinched the bridge of her nose. "You realize you're legally the CEO of a cross-dimensional wellness sect now, right?"
Lin Feng spun around. "WHAT?"
She pointed to the floating spirit registry book now stamped with a ghostly seal:
[Certified Enlightenment Enterprise – Heavenly Bureau of Soul Rehabilitation].
Lin Feng stared at it. "There's a heavenly department for that?!"
"Oh yes," said a ghost sipping chi-latte. "Your paperwork processed faster than your chi ever has."
Lin Feng groaned and flopped onto a ghost meditation pillow. It made a spooky squelch noise. "I just wanted a nap…"
---
Ten Minutes Later…
Lin Feng tried to evict them.
"Listen up, you see-through weirdos!" he shouted, standing atop a rock podium. "Go back to your ghost homes! Or reincarnate! Or… or haunt a tofu shop!"
Silence.
Then a frail granny ghost raised her hand. "But you said our suffering had meaning and that we'd all float through the darkness together."
"What?! I never—!" Lin Feng paused. "Wait… was that when I tripped on my gourd and yelled 'we're all doomed in this floating mess'?"
A few ghosts nodded solemnly.
Lin Feng sighed. "Fine. Fine! You can stay for one night. But that's it."
Cheers erupted.
A translucent banner appeared from thin air:
"Ghost Retreat: Day 2 – Guided Enlightenment with Lin Feng!"
"I didn't guide anything!"
---
Later That Evening…
Lin Feng was sitting on a bamboo mat surrounded by ghosts eagerly waiting for wisdom.
One ghost whispered, "What is the secret to inner peace, Master?"
Lin Feng, bleary-eyed and chewing on a sesame bun, muttered, "Eat before you're angry. Nap before you're dead."
The ghost gasped. "So profound!"
Another ghost raised her hand. "What should I do about my unresolved past life trauma?"
"Have you tried… not thinking about it?" Lin Feng mumbled through a mouthful of bun.
The ghost bowed deeply. "Master, your wisdom pierces through the veil of death."
"Seriously? That was just indigestion."
The ghosts scribbled notes feverishly.
Meanwhile, Flame Duck had started leading breathing exercises. The Demon King stood nearby, arms crossed, trying very hard to look menacing while a ghost child offered him a flower crown.
"Sir," the child said, "you look tense. Have you tried emotional rebirth?"
The Demon King blinked.
Lin Feng muttered, "I swear if he starts journaling his feelings, I'm leaving."
---
Night Falls…
Ghost lanterns lit up the retreat.
A few ghosts floated to soft music played by a haunted flute. Others wrote poetry titled 'Reflections in a Spiritual Teacup.'
Bai Xue, watching the entire spectacle unfold, finally said, "You know… you might be good at this."
Lin Feng threw a pebble at her. "Don't encourage me."
"But you helped them. You made sad, lost souls feel… seen."
"I gave a rant about napping and snacks!"
"Exactly."
He paused.
Then: "Oh no. I'm becoming inspirational, aren't I?"
A ghostly narrator's voice echoed from nowhere:
"And so began the legend of Lin Feng, the accidental guru who healed hearts, one snack at a time."
Lin Feng screamed into his ghostly pillow again.