It was, by all accounts, a suspiciously peaceful morning.
Travis had made pancakes shaped like various celebrities — Carlton identified a slightly burnt one as "Miley Syrup." Buttermilk, wearing a silk robe and tiny cucumber slices over her eyes, was halfway through her weekly "Paw-lates & Chill" routine.
"I feel… calm," Travis said, sipping a mug that read 'Live, Laugh, Lick Your Nose.'
Carlton paused mid-bite. "That's never a good sign."
And just like that—
DING-DING-DING-DING!
Every device in the house exploded with notifications. Travis's phone buzzed so hard it knocked over his coffee. Carlton's laptop screamed in caps lock:
> #CancelButtermilk is trending worldwide.
They stared.
Then they clicked.
The first video that popped up featured Buttermilk, auto-tuned, saying:
> "If your kibble doesn't align your chakras… you're basically eating sadness."
Cut to a logo:
PAWTHENTIC LIFE — Holistic Wellness for the Spiritually Awakened Pup.
Carlton squinted. "What the hell is Pawthentic Life?"
Travis gasped. "Oh my God. That's the pyramid scheme booth we passed at the WoofCon Expo last weekend! The one with the beagle in a lab coat screaming about 'herbal chewables!'"
Flashback: Buttermilk had walked past the booth, sniffed a sample of "Kale & Karma Treats," and sneezed politely.
Apparently, someone had edited that moment into a full-blown endorsement montage — including testimonials like:
> "After eating Buttermilk's recommended treats, my aura turned lavender!"
– @ZenPoodle247
> "My dog now only barks in Sanskrit."
– Deborah, owner of SpiritBeast, the spiritually awakened pug
---
Scene: Headquarters of Pawthentic Life
Inside a yurt draped in fairy lights and essential oil fog, sat the founder: Linda, a long-haired dachshund with the confidence of a con artist and the eyeliner skills of a Bond villain.
"Stage one is complete," she purred, lighting a lavender-scented candle with her tail. "The world believes Buttermilk is our CEO of Soul Snacks. Now we just need her to 'release' the new product line: Moon-Infused Rawhide and the turmeric-bone cleanse."
Her assistant, a nervous cockapoo named Nathaniel, trembled. "What if they find out she's not involved?"
Linda's eyes gleamed. "Then she takes the fall. And I take the empire."
---
Back at Home
Carlton paced. "This is bad. Real bad. The pug yoga community is boycotting us. We lost our tofu treat sponsorship. And the Corgi Influencer Council just released a statement calling her 'spiritually fraudulent.'"
Travis was on the floor, googling "how to legally separate a dog from a brand."
Buttermilk, calm as ever, licked some peanut butter off her paw and stared out the window like a war general about to storm Normandy.
Carlton sighed. "She's thinking."
Travis sat up. "We need a plan. A public rebuttal. Something big, dramatic, and slightly unhinged."
Buttermilk stood.
Walked over to her closet.
Pulled out…
A trench coat.
A wig.
And sunglasses.
Carlton choked. "Wait. Are you suggesting undercover infiltration?"
Buttermilk nodded.
Travis grinned. "Oh, she's going full Scooby-Bourne."
---
Operation: Bone Scam Break-In
That night, under cover of darkness (and Carlton's deeply suspicious disguise as a yoga blogger named "Chi-Chi Featherthistle"), the team snuck into Pawthentic Life's spa-retreat headquarters.
They navigated through:
A chakra balancing obstacle course
A sound bath tent blasting whale yodels
And a terrifying room labeled "Detox via Barking in Key of G"
In the deepest chamber, behind a velvet curtain, they found it:
The Scam Board — a massive conspiracy wall covered in photos, bones, shipping routes, and one extremely smug glamour shot of Linda.
Carlton snapped photos. Travis pocketed a sample of "Moon Dust & Marshmallow Dental Chews." Buttermilk, meanwhile, climbed onto Linda's throne and pooped precisely once.
For justice.
As they escaped, alarms blared.
Linda's voice echoed: "WHO DARES DEFILE THE PURPLE YURT?!"
---
The next day, Buttermilk held a live-stream press conference from her dog bed, wearing a tiny pantsuit and holding a pointer.
Travis clicked through slides titled "PAWTHENTIC LIES," "CHAKRAS DON'T EVEN EXIST IN DOGS," and "BEHOLD: THE GLAMOUR SHOT OF EVIL."
The internet went wild.
Linda was arrested by the Federal Bureau of Fraudulent Furfluencers (FBFF). Her mugshot featured her biting her own tail in denial.
Pawthentic Life stock plummeted. Buttermilk trended again — this time under #BlessedAndInnocent.
---
Later That Night
Carlton sat on the porch. "She cleared her name. Again."
Travis nodded. "I just wish she didn't have more fans than us. My mom keeps texting 'Buttermilk is the star, you're just the sidekicks.'"
Inside, Buttermilk scrolled through fan art of herself as a superhero named "Justice Paws."
She wagged once.
Then clicked "like."
---