Making bad decisions has been one of my talents, and I know that because I am currently heading to my apartment in this pouring rain, to confront Josh.
I know what I saw, even though I am actively trying to talk myself out of this. What do I want him to say? Deny it?
I want him to. I want him to tell me that it was all in my head and that it meant nothing.
Tell me that the routine life I had built around him was still standing and that whatever happened we would fix it.
And Lily? What would she tell me?
Oh, fuck it.
I barged into the living room announcing my second arrival.
They jerked apart, Lily pulling off Josh like he burned her, and his eyes locked on me like a deer in the headlights.
I ignored her fidgets and focused on Josh, counting the numbers backwards from 10 to steady my breath. I flipped my white braids back, hoping that droplets of ice-cold water would reach them in this warm room.
"Since when?" I breathed out, my voice barely audible, but I knew they heard me.
The question was open, and neither of them could answer me. I didn't care, I just wanted answers.
"Babe-" I cut him a glare. If looks could kill ,he would be six feet under.
"When was this?"
I noticed Lily wasn't in the room with us again. I had no idea when she left. Maybe when I was lost, staring into space thinking of ways to end his life, and probably mine, because of what was there to live for. I'll hit him at the back of his head until he's unconscious and tie his balls to my car and zoom off.
Or maybe just get a gun.
~ ~ ~
I began walking, closing the door behind me and making my way towards the road. My legs led me, and I allowed them to, the least I could do since my life didn't have any sort of direction. The downpour that I welcomed, the feeling I relished, reminded me with a shiver. I tucked myself into my jacket even though I knew it was useless. I was soaked in and out, and I would catch a cold later.
My legs stopped in front of her house, and I resisted the urge to smack my face.
I am keeping my life private even if it means shutting the only person close to a friend out. "What am I doing here?" I murmured repeatedly and turned to leave when the door burst right open. Right, I forgot she had cameras.
"Lee?" She wrapped the surrounding robe securely while her voice came out soft.
I wonder how I must look, being all drenched like a wet rat. I looked at her, and we almost fell into a staring contest before she broke and ushered me in.
"Care to spill? "It's late" The robe came off me, but didn't fall around my feet as expected. Zoey rounded the middle glass table to the kitchen. I stood, clueless, in the middle of the room until a mug was pushed into my hands.
It was warm and smelled delicious.
Hot chocolate.
"Thanks", I muttered, walking to sit on the couch. I watched her take my robe and disappear into one of her rooms.
One sip of the hot chocolate slowed my heart rate. I felt calm. It was liberating, like I could forget what my life looks like. I could pretend that I didn't have a cheating boyfriend, ex now I suppose, a betraying sister and deadbeat father to deal with. My life is all bed and roses. I make enough money to sponsor my solo trip abroad and shop for all the items on my bucket list.
I could go on and on if Zoey hadn't interrupted me.
"Huh", I raised my eyes to hers. I hadn't realized she was asking me a question, and, well, the look on her face says she is growing impatient. Of course, she'll ask about me, my well-being, my mental state, even. It's Zoey.
I sighed, blowing off the steam coming from the mug. "I lost my job."
Her brows shot up to her forehead. Of all the things, I guess she wasn't expecting that. Neither was I.
The fashion event was a blow-off. I met every influential person there, selling myself out and making recommendations. It looks like they already wanted an already made someone who had their things together, 'T's crossed' and 'I's dotted. They were not interested in building or investing in young new talents. That is my luck.
"I'm taking a break from Josh" I cave, the look in her eyes telling me that she thinks, knows, this is more than losing a job.
"That piece of shit" I guess I was the only one blind to Josh's antics because even my father disapproved of him. Takes an asshole to know an asshole.
She was about to say something, more questions, when I begged her with my eyes. I do not want to relish any of these thoughts because they'll drive me crazy, and right now, crazy me isn't what is best.
"Sure. The room to the left," she pointed with her chin to the hallway.
Shit, I said that out loud.
I nodded, silently thanking her while I walked to the room. I made myself comfortable on the bed, covering myself from head to toe. My ragged breath escapes me, the memory of everything replays in my head.
My ringtone jolted me away from my thoughts. I sighed, anger boiling slowly, making its way to my chest. I don't know why but I reached for the phone expecting who the caller might be, but got shocked.
It must be blinding anger because I picked up the phone, placed it in my ears and waited for him to speak.
"Princess-"
"What the fuck Dad?"
"I had your best interest in mind". His voice was rising.
"My interest or yours? "What debt made you do this?" This was a very lucky guess; I wouldn't put it past the man to make this move because he had gotten himself into massive debt.
"Watch your mouth you incel, you are getting married to him whether you like it or not. Know your place"
"I am not marrying that man! "I am not a product for you to bargain with others." I clenched my phone in anger. Why do I have to clean up his mess? I am only a daughter to this man when I am of some use to him.
"You don't have a choice, Hailey."
"Now I know why mom left your sorry ass," I said, cutting him off.
Throwing the phone off the bed, I heard it shatter on the floor. I couldn't care less. That is better. I shuffle around the bed, finding a comfortable position, but that is impossible since I am a restless mess. I finally relaxed, after what I think was a few hours. I'll deal with this tomorrow. Right now, I need to escape reality.
**
I downed the last drop of chocolate and rounded the counter to clean the cup. The sun creeped into the kitchen, the warmth like a soft caress to my skin. I felt better than yesterday. Angry? Yes. But I can control it now. It felt like if I were to carry a knife and headed straight for Josh, I would be blinded by rage but still clear-headed.
"Sleep well?" I spun around, placing my palms on the counter behind me and smiling.
Zoey walked towards me, and I reached behind me to fetch the coffee I had made. "Black"
Her eyes widened, and she brought the cup up to her nose and smelled. "Did someone smack you in the head?" She shook her head and took a sip, nodding.
I chuckled, walking past her to get my coat. It was dry and clean. I guess that she cleaned it last night for me. I folded it and placed it in my arms, eyeing the door. "Silly, I slept well, that's why. You have me hooked on your bed; you'll be seeing me often."
"If I get good coffee like this, stop by anytime."
I tilted my head, smiling, watching as she downed the coffee and walked up to me.
"You have no idea how thankful I am", I reached out to hold her hands.
"Nah, you already thanked me for that coffee."
I laughed out loud this time, releasing her hands to adjust my coat.
"Call me if anything happens". She shouts as I make my way out of the door.
"Yes, ma'am", I made a mock salute.
—
The good mood I was in disappeared as soon as I saw the door to our house.
Our house.
That did not sound right at all, and I began to question myself as to what I was doing here. I pushed past the door, not knowing what to expect, but sure as hell not expecting to see Lily still there with him.
They hadn't noticed me yet, and one side of my brain told me that this was the time to run, leave them to their pathetic lives and go ahead with mine. What sort of closure I am expected to have is non-existence and doesn't matter. I nodded, believing that the best thing for me to do now is leave, leave them, leave my father and possibly this godforsaken town. For some awful reason, my legs could not carry me. Flight or Fight mode, but I froze, unable to talk. I felt I could see my demons moving around, and I couldn't even make a move.
"Hailey…" I snapped at the voice, my head snapping up and my eyes locking with his.
He moved towards me slowly with his arms outstretched, like he was approaching an untamed, loose wild animal. Maybe that is what I am because the sudden urge to rip his head off washed over me, and for once, I wished I had fangs.
"When was this?" He shook his head, stammering. I held out a finger, shaking and pointing to them, "The two of you, when did it start?"
"Right after Dad's induction party", Lily blurted, her head facing the tiles. Too much of a pussy to face me.
Josh's head turned to Lily and back at me, subtly scolding her for talking.
"Can we talk? I-I'll explain in the car"
I don't know why, but I nodded, spinning on my heels so fast I feared I could get whiplash.
The door of the car shook as I tugged it with so much force, causing it to alarm. A few moments later Josh came, his demurer than mine. Then I drove off.
"Why?" I need the part of my brain responsible for logical thinking to take over and smack me for asking pathetic questions.
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to go this far"
I nodded, a manic laugh creeping up my throat. "You meant it to happen."
"Oh, come on, Hailey. Let's not talk like you didn't also have a hand in this."
I turned my head to him, shock and surprise written all over my face. "What?"
That laughter finally crept out, and I tipped my head backwards. I turned my head to him again mid-laugh, and I relished the confusion and fear in his eyes. I started the car and rolled the windows down, allowing the cool air to cool me down. It didn't look like it was working.
"What?" I repeated, the whole time my attention was focused on him. "I made you cheat." Do you hear yourself?"
"Hailey, slow down" his eyes bounced between me and the road. "You knew you did have time for me and never made time for us"
"Josh, I work twice as hard to keep a roof over our heads. The least you could do is support me. Now it's "I didn't make time"?"
"Hailey slows the fuck down; do you want to kill us?"
"You killed me the day you thought less of me. Imagine that."
I should slow down. I am going faster than I can control, but I could bring myself to do it.
"Oh my god, Hail-"
The darkness I have been craving is all so close now that I can feel it, I can taste it, and I want to bask in it. Josh's words fade into that darkness as it creeps near, and I welcome it. My mind is blank, void of any thought and the last thing I remembered was that darkness. Black. Void.