I realised I had gone mad one night.
No, it is more accurate to say the realisation came to me in the wee hours of the morning. I was huddled under my duvet despite the relatively high temperature in my apartment. I always cover myself, perhaps because I fear the boogeyman.
I mean, we have all seen the movies where the monster under the bed drags one by their foot. While I do have a box bed, the paranoia persists, especially because I keep watching horror movies and getting lucid nightmares.
It is no surprise that I am a severe insomniac.
Usually, I spend the hours before sleep scrolling social media and watching brain-rot videos, which my best friend and I share around the clock. However, on this particular night, I was taking part in my new hobby.
Conspiracy theories…
You see, I have always been passionate about logic and the truth.
Sure, the movies I watch and novels I read do not speak of my keen scientific mind, but I like to imagine that any artist worth their salt can show logical flow for the universes they create. As you can guess, I believe in fictional realism.
I mean, even the most nonsensical fan fiction has to follow a certain level of logic.
But over the last couple of months, I found myself living in a real world where there was no logical sense. It seemed like the world was existing in a universe where rules did not exist, and the decisions made were not logical.
Sure, I can understand the existence of a few random occurrences in the world that do not make sense.
However, it is not possible to have a story in the real world that does not follow a logical plot. Even real life must follow the rules set out by the universe. Moreover, the progression of our world has always been in a forward direction.
After all, time moves forward. As far as we know, time is linear.
But why did the plot suddenly change, and the society started to regress to old-world ideals?
I could not accept that the drastic changes were due to the natural oscillations in the timeline periodically, where success is followed by failure or freedom by slavery. It felt like there was more than nature at play.
What could be the power behind these changes?
This is the question that led me to the dark path of conspiracy theories. Yes, dark. Conspiracy theories function by positing an explanation that rejects the official narratives presented to us and is accepted as the norm.
Often, the conspiracy involves a secret and powerful group of people with a hidden plot, controlling outcomes and manipulating the plot of the story. The keywords here are secret and hidden.
Therefore, conspiracy theorists must be crazy.
They speak of unseen manipulations by unknown people who have managed to keep the world under control without anyone realising it. Considering the current high flow of information, it seems almost impossible.
A conspiracy theorist has to be crazy to believe that secrets could be kept.
Yet, this is not the reason I came to the realisation that I was mad.
The reason I started questioning my sanity was that, as I went deep into the rabbit hole seeking the truth, I discovered that the information on why the world is acting crazy was there. It was verifiable information from known and vetted sources.
And yet, it is treated as a crazy conspiracy theory.
When that realisation hit me, I sat upright on my bed and truly questioned my sanity. I did not even notice the sweet lull of the cartoon I play every night while I sleep to quiet my mind and get half-decent sleep.
I sat still like a paralysis demon and stared into the dark room with only the soft glow of my bedroom laptop. Yes, I always have at least two working screens with me at all times in all locations, which does not do much for my sanity.
The validity of my madness came because I wanted to shout from the rooftops that the world was blind. I wanted to shout that the truth is not out there, but in the little device we attach to our hands at all times.
Yet, we choose to use it to look at people dipping their faces in ice water and levitating for four minutes (or cute cats) instead of taking the opportunity to learn. After all, there is a real conspiracy that is leading the world as we know it to an end.
Most importantly, the conspiracy is not that hidden.
It is outlined in clear detail, but we choose to ignore it.
The realisation that the information was right in front of us did not make me believe in my sanity more. Rather, I became even more convinced that I was even more crazy than I have always been, for there is a fundamental belief I hold on to as a certified know-it-all.
I am not as smart as I think, and people are not as foolish as they seem.
Believing in one's mind is the greatest downfall because the brain is capable of great trickery towards itself. Therefore, I never assume I am the smartest person in the room. And when I feel like I am, I remember that the other people are not stupid.
With this very sound logic, I could not imagine the possibility that I was the only one who could see the entire conspiracy written out so clearly. Well, not only I, but you understand what I mean.
It could not be that only the crazy conspiracy theorists could see it.
For a moment, I considered ditching my new dark hobby and going back to my usual things: reading novels, listening to K-pop, watching horror movies and most importantly, resuming working on a scientific paper I had been ignoring for a year.
But for anyone with a little bit of spice in their brains, it is a little difficult to make the mind work in the way one wants. The more I resisted, the more the little people in my brain wanted to find the big secret.
I could not accept that the world was falling apart for the sake of greed and money alone.
There had to be another driving factor.
Therefore, instead of doing normal things like a normal person, I got deeper and deeper into the conspiracy. I stopped sleeping and eating, even more than I was doing before. I neglected everyone in my life, and even my work suffered.
I had to find the truth.
Slowly, my house turned into a madman's den. I looked as unkempt as a conspiracy theorist in a bad movie who loses it all and stands on the street with a sign that says, 'the end is near'. And my health suffered since my body was held together by coffee and a prayer from my mother.
For weeks, I descended into deeper madness, wanting to make it make sense.
Then, one Friday, as I drove back home from work, I had an accident.
I do not remember what happened. I could almost swear that I saw a dark figure in the backseat of my car before I swerved in fear. But again, I was functioning with three hours of sleep and five cups of strong coffee.
I cannot tell you exactly what happened.
All I remember was my heart skipping a beat, my shaking hands turning the steering wheel, and then pure darkness.