"Excellent display of your control of the Jiongu, but I want to see damage. We already know you can take hearts, I want you to shred his organs, I want brutal." I hate this man. I want him to die. I want to be there when it happens, I want to see it.
It isn't enough that Orochimaru made me kill him, he is having me desecrate his corpse.
...
Calmly, without showing any emotion at all, I raise my fist again and lower it to the dead gennin's stomach. I have the Jiongu spear into his gut and shred everything it can in a quarter second. It is all I can take, if I let it go on my facade would crack.
"Better, there was true damage this time. Let's see what you did." Orochimaru draws a scalpel across the dead gennin's gut. I look away as he peels back the skin and muscle to show his entrails. "That was better than I expected! This is a success. You're exceeding all of my expectations today."
My curiosity gets the better of me and I glance down. There are no organs. The only thing left is a thick reddish brown chunky paste. I did that. I did that in less than a second. I rush over to the nearby sink and throw up.
I did that to a child.
"I was wondering how long you would last. Everyone pukes their first time seeing something like this." Orochimaru is lovingly rubbing me on the back like a parent would with their sick child. It makes me want to empty my stomach again. "You lasted longer than most, I've had people that didn't make it five seconds upon entering my lab." He takes hold of my arm and places something cold in my hand. "Here, water to rinse out the taste." I rinse out my mouth and rise back up from the sink.
I hate this man with my entire being. Hate isn't a strong enough word.
"Did you need me for anything else?" I mechanically say to Orochimaru. There is no life to my voice at all.
Orochimaru is scribbling like mad on his notepad. "No, that is all for today."
"I'll be going then." I calmly walk out of the lab and back to my room in silence. No one escorts me for the first time.
That bastard planned this. This was meant to test my loyalty. He wanted to know if I would kill a Konoha shinobi. This entire day was meant to see if he could trust me.
I storm over to my desk and whip out a piece of paper. On it I write "Visiting the Nest" and stick it on the outside of my door.
I slam my hand to the ground. "Summoning Jutsu!"
POOF
Shirokumo appears before me. "Hey Al. What's up?"
"I need you to reverse summon me to the Nest." I say blandly without emotion. If I let a little break through I know that it will all pour forth. I can't have a breakdown here.
Shirokumo stills in worry. "Why? What's wrong?"
"Please. Now." I can feel my resolve weakening, my suppressed emotions are surging back to the surface.
"Alright." He disappears in a cloud of smoke.
POOF
I'm whisked away after him.
...
The Nest
I land on my feet in a dark clearing. I stretch out my senses, only Shirokumo and I are here. Good, I don't want what happens next to be common knowledge.
I release my hold on my emotions. I roar in anger, I cry in sadness, I wail in pain, I scream in terror all at the same time. I lash out at a nearby tree, punching it so hard I put a fist sized hole in it. I don't stop at one punch. I hit it repeatedly.
"I!" Punch. "Killed!" Punch. "A!" Punch. "Child!" Punch. "UNFORGIVABLE!" The tree topples to the ground.
"Why? Why did he have to die?" I whine pitifully. "He didn't have to die, it didn't have to be him. It could have been anyone but he picked him."
I laugh in insanity. "I know why it was him! It was to test me! It's all my fault! Hello world, I'm Alvarcus the killer of children!"
"No." I say in a hushed angry tone. "It wasn't my fault. It is Orochimaru's fault. He made me. He made me do it! Yes, his fault! Not mine!"
"That doesn't make the blood on my hands go away." My voice sounds broken, defeated. "I still did it. I could have said no." I fall down to my knees. "I could have said no." I scuttle backwards until I hit something. I wrap my arms around my legs, holding myself tightly. "I could have said no." Tears are streaming down my face, I'm rocking back and forth. "I could have said no."
~ENOUGH!~
My head snaps upwards at the sudden noise.
~Enough of this! You are better than this, you will overcome this! My host is not a weak sniveling child! I do not choose the feeble and frail, I choose the stoic and tenacious!~
"But I killed a child." I barely whisper out.
~No, you ensured our survival. That is what we do, survive. Look at the work you are doing, you know what Orochimaru is capable of. I've seen it in your memories. You've killed one to save thousands. He had to die so others could live.~
"That doesn't make it right."
~You gave him a quick death. Orochimaru would have done much worse to him. What you did was mercy, not murder. He was going to die today by your hand or Orochimaru's. With you he didn't suffer.~
Hoarsely I croak out, "You're right." I wipe my face dry. "He was going to die no matter what I did. I didn't kill him out of anger. I didn't kill him out of need or want. I killed him because it was the merciful thing to do. I didn't kill him, I spared him from Orochimaru."
~Yes, now get up and move forward. We accomplish nothing by dwelling on our actions. Honor the dead by remembering them, do not let them fade into obscurity.~
I climb to my feet. My will is back, my resolve is back. "I will. I won't forget him. He'll be my motivation, my reason to push forwards. I will finish what I have started so one else has to share his fate."
~Well said, host.~
"Are you done freaking out now?" Shirokumo asks from the other side of the clearing high up in a tree. "Cuz that was weird to watch. Did you know that you talk to yourself?"
I bet that was very strange to watch. He probably thinks I am crazy now. "Alright, hear me out before you judge. Basically..." I tell Shirokumo everything. I explain how the Jiongu works, that it is sentient and parasitic. I tell him that it talks to me. Then I tell him about today and what I had to do, and how the Jiongu calmed me down, talked sense into me. "... so that's it. Your summoner has a living parasitic thread monster inside him that talks."
"If you were anyone else I wouldn't believe you." Shriokumo climbs up me to rest on my head. I'm glad that he accepts me, if he didn't I would lose one of my friends. "Tsunade was right, you are a magnet for crazy."
"Aw shit. I have to tell Tsunade what happened. Are you willing to run a letter today for me?" This is going to be one terrible letter.
"I've got nothing better to do. Lets go." Shirokumo raises his two front legs.
"Right-"
...
Sound Base, Alvarcus's Room
"-now?" We're back in my room. "Thank Kami, I thought you were taking me to Tsunade."
Shirokumo screeches in amusement. "I can't do that. I can only summon myself to other spiders, passengers are a no go."
"Dang." I plop down at my desk and pull out paper and pen. "Guess I can't use you as a taxi service."
Shirokumo scampers up to his web. "What's a taxi?"
"Oh... uh... transportation." I haven't slipped up like that in years. Today has really gotten to me. "Basically a service that charges a flat rate per kilometer and would take you from point A to point B. Like a carriage or caravan."
"Interesting." He lets the conversation drop so I can work on the letter. As I'm writing it he's expanding his web across my ceiling. It's taking up at least half of it now.
"Alright Shirokumo. I've got it all ready."
He repels down from my ceiling and lands on my desk. "Whoa, it's heavier this time. How many pages did you write?"
"Only one. I also included data sheets for the Sound Four, that is what the extra weight is from. I was very detailed."
"No kidding." He heaves the letter and report onto his back. "I'll be going then. If I take to long the weight will crush me."
"Thanks for doing this." I say as he puffs away in smoke. "Now, I'm going to pass the fuck out. After today I deserve it." I plop onto my bed and fall into a hopefully dreamless sleep.
It isn't.
...
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