Time Bubble – 8 th July 1995
Sirius was talking.
Harry shifted in the bed and frowned at the murmur of voices coming through the open bedroom door. They'd been given their old cabin back once Harry's physical injuries had healed enough for him not to need the immediate care of the clinic. He had physio, check-ups and mind healing sessions scheduled but they didn't mean he and Sirius couldn't live in their own space.
It was almost nostalgic coming back to the cabin. It was familiar and Harry automatically associated it with Sirius. He snuggled further into the bed and let himself drift.
"…and I'm impressed at your own commitment to your health."
It was Noshi talking with Sirius.
Harry frowned a touch. Had Sirius been badly injured? He'd been close to the bomb explosion but Harry was certain that he had contained that. But then Sirius had been in a fight for his life with Crouch for long minutes before Harry's showdown with Voldemort. And Crouch had been a sadistic bastard.
Concerned, he started listening intently.
"…it's important that I'm healthy for Harry." Sirius said.
It was the end of a sentence but Harry knew it summed everything up; Sirius was going to heal so he could be there for Harry. Not that Sirius hadn't been there already. His father had barely moved from his side for the past two weeks. Which explained why Sirius was having a consult with Noshi in their cabin with Harry only a few feet away in bed.
"Physically, you simply need rest. Your wrist has healed well." Noshi advised. "You are doing the physio with Harry?"
"Yes, every day." Sirius confirmed.
"Your scan shows you are following the nutrition plan." Noshi commented.
Sirius gave some kind of positive noise which Harry could barely hear. "It encourages Harry."
Harry frowned. That explained why Sirius had actually eaten the grilled banana thing the other night. Sirius wasn't against bananas but as a side-vegetable…he had made a disgusted face but had soldiered on anyway and now Harry knew why. Harry really didn't have much of an appetite and wasn't all that bothered about eating but Sirius insisted they be together for meals and Harry couldn't bear the disappointed look Sirius would aim his way if he didn't eat at least half of his meal. He hadn't insisted Harry eat the banana things.
"…concerned you're not getting the time you need with the mind healer." Noshi's voice travelled low into the bedroom.
"I talk with you." Sirius replied.
"I am not a mind healer." Noshi reminded him.
"No, but it's the talking that's the point, isn't it?" asked Sirius.
Talking which Harry still didn't want to do.
"Then I am at your disposal, my friend." Noshi said warmly. And Harry loved him for that; for just being there for Sirius.
"Harry's my biggest concern right now but you know that." Sirius said matter-of-factly. "But I know I need to deal with my own…baggage so I can be there for him."
Harry felt his eyes sting at the reminder of just how much Sirius loved him.
"Where would you like to start?" asked Noshi.
"That's the question, isn't it?" Sirius murmured lowly. "Because it's not just what happened on the solstice eve." He sighed heavily – loud enough that Harry could hear it. "This whole year has been both the best and worst of my entire life in some ways."
Noshi made some kind of humming noise.
"I loved James and Lily and I'll always treasure my memories of them; there are a lot of very good, very special memories. But being Harry's father…it's the very best thing I've ever done." Sirius continued. "I didn't have the best childhood. My father and mother…they were examples of how not to be parents and there are days when I think I'm getting it horribly wrong but it's still…seeing him grow and learn and flourish…it's incredible and I wouldn't want to give it up. And I don't care if it was…if Death sent me to him or if it was Fate or…anything like that. I just love him and he's…he's my world."
Harry felt a tear trickle from his eye and he brushed it away.
"I feel guilty sometimes that James doesn't get to be here, that my choices and suggestions even led to him not being here, but…but he's forgiven me for that part and I know I'm doing what James asked me to do; to take care of his son and for every time I feel guilty I try to remember that." Sirius said. "I spent a lot of years where I didn't fulfil my promise because I was an idiot but I made things right and I think I can be proud of that."
"So this is why this has been the best year." Noshi said. "But you also said it was the worst."
"Losing James and Lily was awful but…is there anything more terrifying as a parent than your child being in danger?" asked Sirius after a long pause when Harry wondered idly if Sirius would ever answer.
"I do not believe so." Noshi replied.
"All year…" Sirius stopped, his voice thick with emotion. "Riddle was…the prophecy was one thing. It was terrifying on its own because Riddle targeted Harry because of it and Harry wouldn't ever be safe from him until it was resolved one way or another. And finding that out…realising that…it was heart-breaking."
He sounded so tired, Harry mused.
"I tried everything I could all year so he wouldn't have to face him and it wasn't enough. In the end…Harry still ended up having to kill the bastard." Sirius made a sharp sound – somewhere between a yelp and a bark. "I hate that I couldn't save him from that."
"You hold a lot of rage about this." Noshi commented.
Harry frowned.
"Not so much with the holding, and more with the rage." Sirius responded brusquely. "I'm furious. I want to dig up Ignotus and punch his face for putting himself in the position where Death could exploit him. I'm angry at Death because he dealt with Riddle using an innocent boy. I hate that someone made a prophecy about it all and someone overheard it and Riddle decided to act on it. I could throttle Albus for all the years he just sat on his dumb arse waiting for Harry to act when he could have been doing something. I'm so angry that even with all we did to help, Harry still had to face the bastard."
Wow.
Harry had never heard that amount of anger in Sirius's voice before.
"But I know my being angry doesn't change anything." Sirius said finally. "Harry was in danger and it was terrifying but…I know we might not have been able to stop it from happening but I made sure he had everything he needed at the end to survive it. And he did. And that's what I have to focus on; that he's alive and Riddle is dead."
"Riddle wasn't the only threat." Noshi commented. "He is not the reason Harry is here."
"No," Sirius's voice was rough, "that's on me."
That was…that wasn't right.
It wasn't Sirius's fault.
"You blame yourself." Noshi said softly.
There was a long silence and Harry waited anxiously, torn between wanting to hear Sirius's reply and wanting to run into the room and hug Sirius, tell him it wasn't his fault.
"I was eleven when I first met Rabastan Lestrange. He came to the Estate for the Summer, he and his brother, because they'd petitioned to be part of the House and Grandfather wanted to assess the family." Sirius said tersely. "He was actually a nice kid in a way that his brother wasn't; quiet, intellectual. He liked the piano. He'd read to Regulus and he'd help Narcissa pick flowers for her mother." He paused. "And I killed him."
"Because he was a Death Eater." Noshi pointed out.
"Because I wanted him dead." Sirius contradicted. "The Lestranges were Riddle's best Death Eaters. They were brilliant, powerful and the reason why Riddle was able to make the headway he did. They were fervent in their beliefs, in their devotion to Riddle. If they'd lived, they would have been a threat. More of a threat than Crouch on his own and he was…he was their legacy."
Harry listened as though he was spellbound; he'd never heard Sirius talk about the Lestranges in such a way before.
"They would have hunted Harry." Sirius continued. "And I couldn't let them have that opportunity. The family magic…calling Judgement on them gave me a politically correct way of killing them, of taking them out of the picture early. I don't regret it. After what they did to Frank and Alice, it was a better death than they deserved."
"But?" prompted Noshi.
"But it made Crouch target Harry because he wanted revenge on me." Sirius concluded. "I'm not saying Crouch wouldn't have targeted Harry anyway – he fell in with Riddle easily enough, and was happy to do his dirty work but…if Rabastan had already been dead by someone else's hand when Crouch was liberated from his father's basement, do I think he would have come after Harry so fiercely? No." There was another heavy sigh. "That was to get to me."
"And he succeeded." Noshi said quietly.
Harry wanted to deny that, wanted Sirius to deny it…
"Yes." Sirius said making Harry's heart hurt with the plain simplicity of it. "Because there's nothing more terrifying than watching your child in danger and Crouch knew that."
"You've been tortured for an entire year." Noshi summarised.
"That's one way of putting it." Sirius allowed. "But it's over and in the end Crouch lost. Harry's alive; I'm alive. And maybe we survived because we had a lot of luck with the way things played out despite Crouch's best efforts to burn the world down, but…Crouch is dead, and we're not so I'm going to count it as a win."
It was a practical way of looking at it, Harry mused. He wasn't sure he could be that sangfroid about it because if Sirius had been tortured by Crouch using Harry, Harry had been tortured too knowing he was Crouch's way to hurt Sirius.
But wasn't Sirius right?
Did it really matter how much hurt Crouch had inflicted on both of them? How much hurt Riddle had inflicted.
They had survived it.
They were alive.
And maybe that was all that mattered.
He snuggled into the warmth of his covers and between one breath and the next fell asleep again, the sound of voices fading into nothingness.