"Itsuki, can you clean up the cabinets please ? See if there's anything that you want to take with you "
"Okay mom , I'll do it , is there anything else you need help with?
"No just do the cleaning, that'll be very helpful"
Sigh ...It has been one year since I last opened this cabinet. With her disappearance I closed it with everything enclosed in it that reminded me of my pathetic and miserable self. I don't wish to open it for it contains all the parts of myself that I want to forget and erase as if they never existed. But I can't hide from the truth forever, I had to face it one day and perhaps that day is today. As I opened it , all the things which I never wished to see again , all the stuff that I had once messily shoved into that space in an attempt to remove them from my reality,all of them fell down to the floor . All the dusty report cards with an 'F' on them , all the video games in which I used to drown myself and the mangas which were once the dearest to me , these things which used to take me away from my reality and into a world where I was no longer weak and miserable , now lay here, near my feet , as if they are staring at me , mocking me , reminding me about the loser I once was …..
But..... amidst all these bad memories there is one thing which I don't want to let go of , one thing that I don't want to leave behind ! Her diary , the only thing that is the proof of her existence, the only thing which connects us ,the only thing that I know about her , it's this diary of hers ! It's this diary that is the most precious to me .... maybe one day I'll meet her again and maybe then , I'll return this diary to her and I'll tell her how much I like her !
As I pick it up and hold it in my hands , I realise that ...it was almost 2 years ago on a rainy summer day like this when I first met her . The diary.....its dusty , and crinkled, it's evident that it has not been opened in so long , it has not been taken care of in a long while. Even though it's precious to me , I never dared to keep it close to me , I didn't want to be reminded of her disappearance everytime that I took a look at this diary. Even so , the pain of her absence has always been there , so I tried to forget her everyday, yet, I couldn't, everyday I was reminded of her...I still remember the day I met her .... as vividly as if it happened a few days ago , after all that day was the day I started to change into who I am now .
I just begin to shake off the dust from the dairy, when I hear a voice from behind , one which is very familiar and dear to me.
"Shu-kun , are you really moving out next week ? Do you really have to ?
"Uhh.... Hana-chan , looks like ....you're still stuck on calling me that nickname . Well... We have no other option than leaving this place , grandma's health is deteriorating day by day so we'll be moving back to our hometown to take care of her , but we won't be moving in a week , it'll probably take us some time , a little over 2 weeks . "
"It's quite heartbreaking though, we only became friends a few months ago, and now we suddenly have to say goodbye to each other."
It makes me happy to know that there's someone who cares for me , even though I've made quite a few friends recently, Hana chan is the closest of them all and I can't deny that leaving this town feels really painful.
" You're making it sound like I'm going away forever. We can always talk over the phone , and we'll be coming back to visit every once in a while . "
. "That's one thing but nothing feels like getting to see each other every and ..... Shu kun ... Is that your diary? I didn't know that you have a diary …"
She said while looking at the dairy I was holding in my hands .
"It's because I don't have one , this diary.... It belongs to someone special to me , someone who is the dearest to me..... someone I'll keep searching for till the day that I die "
"Who is that person? You seem to be very affectionate of them..... Is it a girl? ... Ohhh look at you blushing... It must be a girl ! Who is it ? How did you get her diary? There's no way that a girl will give her diary to a fool like you , did you steal it from her ? "
"Hana chan , stop being so dramatic , don't you have anything better to do than teasing me all the time ? .... Since you're here, help me clean up the cabinets."
"Man... You're so boring,no wonder you used to be a loner ,you should be grateful that you have a friend as great as me , who's willing to help."
" Hahaha... Okay okay, thankyou Miss Hana Takahashi the great, now please grace me with your kindness , and help me with cleaning."
As we both continue to sort things, there is this silence between us ..... It's clear that she's thinking about that diary but then again, .....she won't force me to say anything about it either. Sigh
"I met her two years ago . It was cloudy that day so not many people were out on the streets , and I finally decided to leave my house for the first time in a month. The air smelled sweet , the weather was cold but I liked it ...I was wandering around when it started to pour heavily. Unfortunately or should I say fortunately I did not have an umbrella with me so I decided to take shelter in a nearby library....and that was what led me to her "
Hana chan has stopped doing any work and is sitting still, quietly listening to my story as I speak.
" It was one of the places that I avoided with all my might but that day in a hurry I had not even realised that I entered the library. But somehow it felt quite intriguing, and I started to wander around looking around some books . I didn't really like reading back then , but it was better than sitting idly waiting for the rain to stop . I was looking around when my eyes caught a glance of someone sitting alone with a huge pile of books beside her . Her ocean blue eyes seemed to contain all the sadness of the world , they were so full of life yet just so lifeless at the same time . Something about her felt really familiar, as if she was going through the same type of pain that I was feeling or maybe even more than that . Her face looked so pale , so dull , so cold , but she seemed like someone really kind . It's kinda difficult to explain what I exactly felt at that moment but….
For the first time in my life , I wanted to get to know someone. I wanted to get to know her ! I wanted to know her story, I wanted to learn about her life , the world she lived in and ….... maybe I wanted to tell her about my world too . For the first time in my life , I felt the need to talk , talk to her !
On that rainy summer day , I felt something I never thought I'd get to experience.
On that rainy summer day , my helpless soul found its aid , a meaning to keep living . On that rainy summer day , I experienced a feeling called Love .
But...you know I wasn't so brave back then , talking to people, or even being around them was still quite scary back then .....so I never really got to know her . It was just fate that I found her diary one day , but apart from that ..... there's nothing much that I know about her ."
" You're really stupid , aren't you ? How can you let go of someone you loved so much , without even trying ?"
I can't answer that question ….. even though I have wondered about it almost everyday, and everytime I get reminded that I lost her only because of my own weaknesses and fears . So , I pretend that there was no way we could be together, I pretend that fate did not want us to be together! But in reality…..I think I was the one to blame .
"Itsuki-kun …have you ever read her diary?
She didn't use my nickname this time , her tone has shifted to a serious one , and somehow there's a little bit of sadness in it .
"No, it is something which belongs to her , something close to her , precious to her , I can't read this . She won't like it if I do."
"She probably doesn't even know who you are or if the diary is with you ! If you actually love her so much , if you really do want to find her and return this diary to her , then read it !! It's better that just holding onto it and hoping that one day she'll magically reappear in front of you , it doesn't happen in real life ! So read it if you want to get to know her ."
She sounded really angry this time , and her eyes were watery.Without listening to another word , she stormed out of the room . She's hurt , and I know it , but I don't know why ….
I look back again at the diary , its pages are starting to turn yellow and its cover has started to lose its colour. It's really not that old but the lack of care has turned it into this condition. To be honest, ever since I've had it , the thought of opening it and reading it has crossed my mind countless times but each time that I tried opening it , I was stopped by my own fears . I was afraid, I didn't want to see another version of 'them' in her , I didn't want to face my fears ….. "What if she isn't what I thought about her ?" , " what if she turns out to be someone whom I can't love anymore?" . That's how it ended up in that cabinet , as a trial to get it out of my head .
But for how long can I run from the truth?
For how long can I try to bury my past ?
For how long will I keep hiding myself from reality?
How long will I live my life like this ?
I really don't know . With her disappearance…I lost all the courage I ever gathered to face my fears….