Another fine morning in Goblin Swamp.
I woke up to the sound of goblins arguing over a dead snake, a frog screaming for no reason, and Pibbit trying to ride a log like a horse.
Typical Monday.
I checked my system window:
[Level: 2]
[EXP: 130/800]
[Skills: Bubble Shield Lv.1, Mud Sprint Lv.1]
Still no impressive combat moves.
Still no fireballs.
But at least I could now sprint through mud like a greasy eel.
And I owed it all to making Gringa pregnant… twice.
This world made no sense, but I'd stopped questioning it.
Enter: The Wild Boar
I was gnawing on a questionable mushroom when Ma Grugga stormed into the camp, waving a pig tusk.
"Big pig! Big meat! Kill it or it kill us!"
The goblins panicked.
Splorp ran headfirst into a tree.
Snagga hid in a puddle.
Pibbit climbed a log and shouted, "I AM KING NOW."
I sighed.
Of course it'd fall to me.
Because apparently, being Frog Prophet came with unpaid overtime.
[Quest Accepted: Slay the Wild Boar]
[Reward: EXP + Meat + Probably Injuries]
The Hunt
I gathered the Idiot Brigade.
Again.
"Alright, we kill big pig," I declared.
Splorp raised a rock.
"Big pig scary."
"Yes. That's why we kill it before it kills us."
Pibbit raised a stick.
"I have stick."
"Good for you, Pibbit."
We marched off into the swamp.
We Find It
And there it was.
A hulking, mud-covered boar the size of a small house.
Tusks like tree branches.
Angry little eyes.
Foaming at the mouth like it just got dumped by its boar girlfriend.
"Holy frog balls…" I muttered.
Splorp immediately wet himself.
I had two choices:
Run.
Die.
But then… my system pinged.
[Quest Bonus Objective: Impress Female Goblins Watching]
[Additional Reward: +50 EXP]
I glanced back.
Half the tribe's goblin women were peeking from the bushes.
They wanted a show.
Damn it.
The Plan (If You Can Call It That)
"Okay lads, we hit it with everything we got."
Splorp: "Rocks?"
"Yes."
Pibbit: "Mud?"
"Also yes."
Snagga: "Bite?"
"…Sure."
On my signal, we charged.
And by "we," I mean they did, while I ran around the side using Mud Sprint.
[Mud Sprint Activated!]
I zipped through the muck like a little green torpedo.
The boar roared.
Tossed Splorp into a tree.
Bit Pibbit's stick in half.
I leapt onto its back.
Idea: Jab it in the butt.
With my Slightly Pointy Stick.
I stabbed.
[Critical Hit: Pig Butt Puncture! 48 DMG!]
The boar shrieked, bucked me off, and charged straight into a swamp tree — knocking itself out cold.
We won.
I had no idea how.
The Aftermath
The tribe erupted in cheers.
"Gob! Gob! Gob!"
Ma Grugga clapped my back so hard I swallowed a fly.
"Good kill, Frog Prophet! You strong!"
[Quest Complete: Slay the Wild Boar. +250 EXP]
[EXP: 380/800]
No level up yet… but as the goblin women swooned, one of them — a mildly terrifying goblinette named Skragga — winked at me.
[New Partner Potential Detected]
I broke into a cold sweat.
Not again.
That Night
We feasted on boar meat.
Gringa waddled over, rubbing her belly.
"Me crave frog legs now."
I patted her head.
"Anything you want, dear."
Skragga sidled up next to me with a smirk.
"Frog Prophet, me hear you good at makin' babies."
I spat out my boar meat.
[Potential Pregnancy Bonus: 3%]
This cursed system would be the death of me.
But if it meant another skill…
…I might consider it.