So my night job was fine until the government made me do their bitch work. It's maddening as a celebrity criminal. Sometimes the sketchy C.I.A. guys use my shit. And other companies that are American. All American, I'm not allowed foreigners. Not after what happened with my ex-girlfriend that was the daughter of some Yakuza don. They said my weed made them too lazy, and my kung fu sucked. Fucking pricks. But that's another story. Let's focus on this one, cause I'm about to have to do some government shit, I think. I'm not sure, but the town is being weird. A guy said make sure it gets done to me out of the blue. I didn't like it, but I'm a part of the town's system. It's bullshit.
It's a normal job to an extent. Still drug dealing. They just asked for something… naughty. It's poisoned weed. I personally don't like doing this shit, but I know something is up. I just roll with it, and try to stay neutral. We'll see if I got shot at regardless though. Sometimes it's the town, sometimes it's the government, sometimes it's a gang. Everyone calls me a bitch cause I roll with the flow too much. Then they hate it when I ask questions cause it's always drama. I swear, everything starts over money or a bitch in this place.
I'm a chemist in my spare time out of boredom. It started because I wanted to make acid. It escalated to poison one day cause I was desperate to win a battle I shouldn't have won. That day they said I fought too hard. They always like it better when I roll with the flow. Cause when I don't, I'm a wall of terror.
That day began with a battle against a Justice Celebrity actually, as I call them. Some guy that's obsessed with critiquing body cams, right? I don't remember his username. He's another fucking youtuber, I swear. I never deal with Actors, just youtubers when it comes to these battles. They have too much influence over their fans anyway. I actually dealt with what we call legit celebrities once. They don't have as much influence over their fans as a youtuber. The sheer content and honesty a youtuber can have gives them too much influence as it makes their fans trust them.
Anyway, this fucking youtuber right? He found out we lived in the same town. And I was a celebrity as well. He was mad as shit. At the time, a lot of celebrities were clashing. Even small time guys like me with big men. It spooks me to this day. In what I call Wars of Influence, when it's Celebrity versus Celebrity, it can be a simple one on one fight. Or suddenly each of our secret illuminatis pop off, and suddenly our fans and my town are killing each other while we're trying to make everyone stop.
It's why people keep me around honestly. They say they like how I fight my own battles. They know I'm mad about it, but they also see me passionately keep people out of it. Especially the women, I hate it when a woman helps me bro. I need men, not fucking women. I can't stand a pretty face with bruises. It softens me up, while I don't care about a man's wounds. It's whatever to me.
Back to the story for real. This youtuber starts hunting me down man. It starts with stalking me through the bodycams, I heard. Cause he uses a lot of our footage. He found me fucking around town, and thought it was weird how people were scared and nice to me. They found the combination odd. Then they investigate me. They catch me on their footage doing a drug deal with a dirty cop. I know, don't do deals with cops, whatever man, I'm a celebrity. Cops need weed too, and sometimes they buy shit from me to frame people with. It's dumb, just roll with it. I'm a celebrity, I never stay in jail.
After this, shit gets BAD! The cops hate me, and the government hates me. The town is ignoring me like I'm a dead man walking. I'm confused as shit, until someone tells me a youtuber roused up the Cops to arrest me. I realize what I gotta do, gotta negotiate. Sometimes you do this, can't always be gangster.
I go to his youtube page, find his email. I send him an email just apologizing for offending him, and lying about how I'll be a good man if he'll fucking chill out. He refuses, and tells me to meet him at the State Park. I'm like shit, it's a sting operation or we're gonna kill each other. I'm sending a scout ahead. I get my girlfriend at the time to roll up there, place is swarming with cops. It's bad, the youtuber is there in a SWAT vest with a shotgun. The fucker is influencing the people on the field. He's literally giving a powerpoint about how awful I am right there at the park to keep the cops motivated to arrest me.
It's fucking bullshit, I can't stand it. I remember I'm a arms dealer on the spot. I'm gonna grab a sniper rifle and merc this bitch. I go to do it. My fucking ex-girlfriend predicted me, and confronted me in my personal arsenal room. I was mad as shit bro, this bitch said she used to date the youtuber. And she loves him enough to where he needs to live. So I should turn myself in, and just deal with the consequences.
I was mad as fuck. And bro, a brawl breaks out. Cause she's in the arsenal room with a squad of cops already there hidden in my panic room. Imagine the panic room betraying you, and the cops hid there. It's fucking maddening. I hated it so hard, I went ballistic on the spot. Fucking threw a haymaker so hard I cracked a cop's helmet and knocked him out on the spot. Then they jumped me and beat my ass with nightsticks. There was 3 more after him. Can't beat numbers when they're trained to do bullshit like smack both your knees in a team attack, and then put you in a chokehold with the third guy. Fucking ridiculous.
Worst thing is I once told the Cops they need to work on teamwork more if they want to avoid Cop Brutality. Unfortunately I'm the Martial Arts Celebrity as well. So they say it's necessary to do what they call "Cop Team-talities" like they're video game characters. Cause they fucking JUMP ME EVERYTIME! Fucking pricks. Everyone does, but the Cops are the best at it. I don't know why besides the criminals don't ever fucking train like Cops do, it's bullshit. I make my guys train like them. But then sometimes they play Crump telling my troops to serve their country, and they betray me on the spot. It's horseshit. Especially cause then my own troops jump me on the spot, and I get my ass beat.
So I wake up in jail. I'm mad, in my cell. Guard asks me if I'm hungry eventually. I say yeah. Also, get me a book. Whatever your favorite is. Turns out asking this was the right choice.
I fucking read the system's passwords on accident bros. So it turns out this prison was run by fucking fantasy nerds. They gave me Ring of the Kings, Fellowship of the Holy King. Alright, so for some fucking reason all their passwords were famous keywords from this book. Like Eragorn was a fucking password, it was hysterical. I loved this series as a kid, so when they gave me my first free time, I was geeked. Cause I thought I knew all the passwords. And I was right. I became a runner on the spot. It took me three attempts to get the first door open, and I'm dipping bro. I'm running around everywhere.
Then I got distracted bros. Cause I made a very right, and also very wrong path. I ended up in the women's section. As a rich, successful and handsome criminal. SO GUESS WHO GOT LAID WAY TOO FUCKING MUCH CAUSE THE BITCHES WERE HOT AND DESPERATE!? THIS GUYYYYYY!!!
And now I've got like, 12 more bitches who know I'm a celebrity. And the whole prison. Cause guess who didn't get charges pressed against them for this escapade? Me. They kept it a secret. And they changed the passwords. But guess what? I'm a bit of a nerd myself. They picked another series I read occasionally. And play the game of. Warslammer 40k. So I didn't know all the passwords cause I only shallowly dip my toes in this series, but I still knew enough to cause problems.
Like I robbed the fucking lunch room. Got like 12 super donuts. It was sick. They gave me solitary confinement and changed all the passwords to numbers. I'm not a mathematician, so it beat me that time. Fucking bullshit.
Then it got weird. Cause then a government bitch showed up. Who was also one of my clients I sold weed too. She also showed up way too hot. And her cleavage was showing. I knew this bitch was about to manipulate me using our relationship and sex appeal.
I was right. She immediately claimed she still loved me and wanted better for me despite me being a criminal. I said horseshit, you're a lying bitch. Then she did the man's move and forced a kiss on me. I was mad, I ranted about how I'm supposed to do that, not you. She said "Shut up! Stop being dumb and fucking around! Just serve your sentence and I'll blow you."
And well, when you get that offer, you shut up for a bit. Enough to get it at least. After that, I tried staying calm. It was boring, especially cause they kept blocking me on all kinds of books. I knew it was cause they didn't change their password system entirely. I swear it was. Or one time I picked a law book. They literally said we ain't dealing with another lawyer, and threw the book away.
Anyway, guess how I got my job back? One of my rich clients bought the prison and snuck me out. I was shocked. It was a cartel I only met like a month before I got arrested. But they said I was too useful, and just bailed me out. Told me to give them a nice deal for it. Fuck, I gave them 50 light machine guns and a bazooka for free as thanks. And a bunch of ammo for them. They also bailed out a bunch of people that day, it was weird.
A guy that is like a vigilante was furious that day. He saw too many people escaped prison with ease. He happened to be walking by, and saw us being walked out. Then his car pulled up. He was mad as fuck. Turns out he's a celebrity vigilante, it was fucking dumb. I was like, "How many celebrities we got in this bumfuck town?" A prison guard angrily said "Too many. I hate this shit."
Guess who else was mad? The bodycam youtuber. He was at my house waiting for me, arguing with cops about how I should be in jail. It was funny though, he was in handcuffs on the ground when I showed up. A guy in a suit that I later learned was C.I.A. yelled "SHUT UP, YOU'RE BOTH CELEBRITIES! JUST DEAL WITH IT!"
So after that, I had my life back to an extent. I relaxed and smoked weed for like a week straight. Then my government girlfriend showed up with a job application. She said celebrities need day jobs. I'm like bro, WHAT THE FUCK!? WHY!? She said shut up and deal with it, or you're going back to jail.
I dealt with it. Filled it out, she took it there. Told me I'm to show up tomorrow, I already have the job. Orientation is at 6AM. I was pissed. But alright, I have a job now.
Also she randomly flashed a wedding ring at me and told me "No more." I was like, "Really? Now I have a day job and I'm dumped?" Fucking ridiculous.