Some mornings, Nilla woke up feeling like she had things figured out.
Other mornings—like this one—her heart felt like a glitch in the system. A beautiful mess of conflicted code that refused to debug itself.
She stirred her coffee slowly, sitting across from James at a cozy bistro near her office. He was telling her about a ridiculous meeting where someone confused cybersecurity with astrology.
"You should've seen their face when I said I couldn't protect them from Mercury retrograde," he was saying with a grin.
She laughed—real, unfiltered. "You're actually funny now."
"I was always funny."
"You were not."
"Wounded," James said, clutching his chest dramatically. "Wounded in my soul."
She rolled her eyes and smiled again, a little surprised at how easy it was to be around him now. They had a rhythm again, one that didn't hurt like it used to.
Later that week, she bumped into Theo—again.
This time in the lobby of a tech conference. He was stepping off the escalator just as she stepped on.
They both stopped.
"Nilla," he said, voice soft but undeniably happy. "Didn't expect to see you here."
"I could say the same."
They walked together toward the registration table. It felt like breathing fresh air and walking through a storm at once. His presence grounded her—and shook her.
"Still building an empire?" she teased lightly.
"Brick by brick. You?"
"Same."
There was a pause, and then—
"I've missed talking to you," Theo said honestly.
Nilla felt the truth of that settle deep in her chest.
"I've missed you too," she whispered.
---
That night, she curled up on Sarah's couch, wine glass in hand, blanket around her legs, heart in her throat.
"I'm losing it," Nilla said, staring at the ceiling.
Sarah blinked. "You're dating James."
"I'm not *dating* James. We're… pre-dating. And also just coworkers who get drinks. And talk. A lot."
"Uh-huh. And Theo?"
"I keep running into him. And every time I do, my stomach flips like a gymnast on Red Bull."
Sarah raised a brow. "Okay, so you're emotionally cuddling with one and romantically sparking with the other."
"Basically."
Nilla ran a hand through her hair. "It's like my heart refuses to pick a side. James has grown so much, and I *like* being around him now. But Theo... Theo still holds this piece of me."
Sarah sipped her wine, thoughtful. "Do you want someone to *choose* for you, or do you want to figure out what your heart actually wants?"
Nilla groaned. "Neither. I want a third option where no one gets hurt and I don't feel like I'm betraying either of them."
Sarah gently bumped her shoulder. "You're not betraying anyone, Nills. You're just figuring it out. It's messy. That doesn't mean it's wrong."
Nilla stared into her glass. "I just don't want to be the girl who breaks hearts."
"You're not," Sarah said firmly. "You're the girl who *has* a heart. A big one. Maybe it's just not done healing—or maybe it needs to open a little wider before it decides."
There were nights Nilla couldn't sleep. Not from insomnia or too much coffee—though both were possible culprits—but because her thoughts were too full.
Too full of *them*.
Of Theo's steady eyes and careful words. Of James' easy smiles and familiar comfort. Of late-night texts from both that made her feel seen, known, wanted.
It was driving her nuts.
—
She had lunch with James on a Tuesday. A simple ramen shop two blocks from her office. He was already waiting, two bottles of sparkling water on the table and a stupid grin on his face when she walked in.
"You look like trouble," he said.
She grinned. "I am."
Over spicy noodles and laughter, he told her about a recent client pitch gone wrong. She listened, and then without thinking, reached across the table and brushed a stray piece of hair from his forehead. He froze. Just for a second.
Then he smiled softly. "You do that a lot now."
"What?"
"Touch me. Look at me like you did before everything went to hell."
She dropped her hand and looked down. "I don't mean to."
"I'm not complaining," he said, voice low. "Just… noticing."
After lunch, he walked her back to the office. At the door, he didn't kiss her. Just looked at her like she mattered. And somehow, that hurt more than anything.
—
Thursday was Theo.
She had a business mixer for local tech leaders, and he was there—dark suit, easy smile, that Theo energy that somehow made a crowded room feel calmer. She didn't expect him to walk straight up to her.
"You wore the green dress," he said. "My favorite."
"You remember that?"
"I remember everything about you," he said quietly.
They spent the rest of the evening in each other's orbit. Talking tech, sipping cocktails, laughing over shared memories from long ago. When the night ended and he offered to walk her to her car, she didn't say no.
Under the quiet canopy of the parking garage, Theo stood close—too close—and didn't kiss her. Instead, he reached up and brushed her hair from her cheek.
"You still feel like home," he whispered.
She swallowed. Hard. "You always made me feel safe."
"I still want to."
And then he left, just like that. No kiss. No promises. Just the echo of longing between them.
—
Later that week, Nilla sat on Sarah's couch again, clutching a pillow.
"I'm falling for both of them," she said, voice hoarse.
Sarah blinked. "That escalated."
"I know. But it's true. And it's killing me."
Sarah sat beside her, serious now. "So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know. James… I feel like I'm rediscovering something old and beautiful. But Theo? He's still everything I ever dreamed of. I never stopped loving him."
"And you're afraid if you choose one—"
"I'll lose the other. Or worse, pick wrong and ruin something again."
Sarah put an arm around her. "Then don't choose yet. Not until you *know.* Don't rush. They both care about you. Enough to wait."
Nilla leaned into her best friend and whispered, "What if the person I need to fall in love with next… is myself?"
Sarah smiled. "Then let them both wait while you find her."