"Heh~, Yejin's spacing out again."
That snapped me back to the present - here and now.
Boys and girls that sat around our impromptu table made of a few desks joined together and laughed.
"Are you alright?" Sora asked me from my right side.
"You didn't get enough sleep last night?" Bora asked me from my left side.
"Er… yeah… I was… doing stuff. Sorry." I muttered out without thinking.
"Oh, what were you doing?" Dongsu sitting across the table asked me with his mouthful of donkatsu.
"I was reading web novels…"
"Oh, that's so cool!" Sora squealed.
What's so cool about that…?
"It's… fun. Do you also read them?" I asked Sora.
"No, but I like webtoons. I think many webtoons started off as web novels."
"T… true."
"Where do you read them? On Nayver?"
"I read them on-, erm, never mind."
"Eh? Don't be shy-, unless you are reading some smut! Haha!"
"I… I don't read SMUT!!"
Damn.
I literally shouted SMUT.
More than a few heads turned and my classmates laughed. But it was all good-natured fun, they were not making fun of me. Although I had a hard time believing that, by now I knew that to be true.
"Then can you recommend me some books?" This time Bora from the left side.
Sora… Bora… Capybara…
I shook my head.
"I would rather not- I have somewhat… odd taste."
"SMUT!", Jihyo, sitting next to Bora, yelled out, which earned another round of laughter.
Damn… I know we are just having a good time… we are just having a good time… but the sound of people laughing always triggers bad memories in me.
Keep yourself together, Yejin.
"It! It's not like that…"
"Hehe, don't tease Yejin too much."
Sora came to my defense.
You are the one who started all this smut talk though…
"Thanks. It's just that the stuff I read are a bit niche. Maybe if I find a good one I can recommend you."
Phew. I managed to turn that around.
"Right! Will be looking forward to it!"
Truth be told, I actually don't read as much as I should.
The truth that can't be told to them - I actually WRITE them.
But I'm seriously gonna go kill myself or something if that ever came to light.
As the conversation took a different turn and people started to chatter about one topic after another, my thoughts started to drift again.
Yeah, it was on that day that I was listening to Creep.
After listening to the song for the 23rd time on repeat, I had enough.
I don't know what came over me, but that just was it for me.
I managed to soldier on for 16 years, but I felt I reached the end of the road.
As I heard my family - excluding me - talk and laugh loudly downstairs enjoying their dinner, I opened the drawer next to my bed and took out my bottles of medication.
I wasn't very knowledgeable about just how much drugs were needed to off myself for good, but I knew taking two pills of my night medicine put me to sleep for a good 12 hours, as well as the other 'chill pill' that I take during my panic attacks having sedative effects. I usually get three weeks' worth of medication and I saw the shrink only a week ago, so I had two weeks worth of pills. I emptied the whole bottle onto my palm. There were like 30 or more pills altogether.
If I took them all in one go… surely I would die…?
My hands were trembling so much I had to clench my fist tight to not drop the pills to the ground.
Am I… really going to do this…?
Although my resolve was starting to waver at the thought of REALLY doing it, my body moved on its own accord and took out the bottle of water from my school bag.
So this is it then…
I closed my eyes and shoved all the pills in my mouth. They were so bitter I almost spat them all out immediately.
And I wished… I really wished that if I was born again - in my next life, if not, then in my next next life, or at some point in God knows how many lives that I was still chained to - I wished that I would be loved for a change.
"Done."
What?
I heard a loud booming voice in my room before I could swallow down the pills with water, and instantly noticed that my mouth was completely empty now and there was no bitterness.
Did I… swallow them?
I couldn't tell. I lay in my bed for five minutes feeling nervous as hell, not knowing whether I really took the pills or not. The bottles were certainly empty, and the pills didn't drop to the ground. Yet I felt nothing. If I swallowed that many pills I should be starting to feel at least some sort of effect soon, but I felt nothing.
And what was that voice…? Am I already hallucinating?
It was then I heard a knock on the door.
"Dear, are you alright?"
De…DEAR?!!!
That was my Mom. She'd NEVER called me that before.
What the hell is going on?
"Yejin! The dinner is delicious today. Why don't you come down and eat?"
I heard my brother's voice from outside the door too.
OK, I must really be hallucinating, and then -
"Eh? Spacing out again?" Bora poked me on my side with a cheeky little smile, snapping me back to here and now again.
"Eh.. Hehe… that tickles…"
God, I sound like an idiot.
"So cute!"
Sora threw herself at me, giving me a big hug.
Bora, for whatever reason, joined in and embraced me too. Now we were cuddling like three little bears, giving bear hugs to each other.
"He… Hey… I'm alright. Please cut it out."
Then Bora and Sora spoke at the same time,
"We'll never let you go, Yejin."