Lying in the hospital bed, I reflected on how close I'd come to disaster this time—the proverbial fox had crept up and put a paw on my shoulder. If I hadn't activated my skill in time, if my Intuition hadn't screamed to keep generating drama after every hit, if Hinata's father had been a second late… So many "ifs." Without them, I'd be worm food by now. The worst part? Despite being completely invulnerable, I couldn't do a thing to the enemy. The power gap was just too wide.
Even if I grind like a Korean gamer, it won't help much. Superior stats don't always guarantee victory—proven by my fights with those two Uchihas. They were stronger and faster, but unexpected attacks still got them. Back then, I won thanks to my concoctions.
So why not lean into that method? If the enemy's stronger, use a concoction to weaken them, and so on. It's time to get serious about brewing something truly lethal.
While I was stuck in the hospital, the Hokage dropped by—though he bolted pretty fast when I started nagging him. From his questions, it seems everyone thinks I showed up just seconds before Hiashi did. Yeah, who in their right mind would assume a kid who hasn't even entered the Academy could hold off an experienced jonin for five whole minutes?
Though, now that I think about it, maybe not that experienced. If he hadn't panicked and had taken a moment to assess the situation, I'd be six feet under. All he needed to do was tie me up—no amount of drama would've saved me then. But he froze, and here we are. I got lucky, so the +10 Luck reward feels pretty fitting.
I know from my past life, though, that luck tends to run out at the worst possible moment. I don't want to survive all these horrifying, dangerous situations only to die because a flowerpot falls on my head. I can't keep relying on luck to get out of tight spots—I need to prepare something to surprise the enemy, preferably fatally.
As soon as I got out of the hospital, I threw myself into experiments, starting with perfecting a liquid version of the "Sudden Diarrhea" debuff. That stuff works even if it just touches the skin. I planned to use it to catch whoever's been stealing my liqueur. The idea was simple and genius: coat the door handles, windows, and even the bottles themselves.
The thieves never showed up—but I got caught instead. Forgot I'd smeared the window handle, opened it to air out the room, and bam—sleepiness gone, teleported straight to the toilet. While I was there, an achievement triggered, and it hit me: this could be a weapon. Coat some senbon with it, and one tiny scratch would knock the enemy out of commission for two hours—or at least severely weaken them. If I'd had this during Hinata's rescue, I'd be wondering what to buy with that jonin's soul crystal right now.
Speaking of Hinata, my reputation with her went up as promised, but I haven't been able to see her. No worries—I just hope it doesn't drop too much before we meet at the Academy. I won't mess up like the original Naruto—I'll pay her plenty of attention. The foundation's set; now it's just a matter of building on it.
Besides brewing concoctions for every occasion, I started a self-generated quest: "Heal Private Gopher." Having someone watching my back really helps with survival, and with how often I get into trouble, I need a whole squad of Gophers. For now, one will do—I can't rely on that bird who took Sumire.
To my deep regret, I couldn't get access to Gopher's medical records, so I had no idea what to treat him for. I didn't give up, though. First, I slipped him some Minor Healing and Regeneration Potions I'd bought. Getting him to drink them was easy—after his window-jumping stunts, the orderlies had him securely strapped down and bolted the bed to the floor. But the potions did nothing; Gopher stayed in the hospital. So I tried a broader range of brews, from the liquid "Sudden Diarrhea" debuff to a High Healing Potion I somehow managed to make—thanks to the achievement I got after creating Sumire. Now I occasionally get extra properties in my concoctions, or even something completely different, like brewing a High Healing Potion instead of a cold remedy.
I also prepared a stockpile of various concoctions and potions. But none of them were guaranteed to help against a stronger opponent. The "Sudden Diarrhea" concoction could debilitate anyone, but applying it to a faster enemy who could just dodge was a problem. Lost in these grim thoughts, I was bottling some concoction and accidentally spilled a bit on my hand. The result was immediate—two hours in the toilet.
That's when a brilliant idea struck me: make a gaseous version of "Sudden Diarrhea." It's much harder to dodge a cloud of gas, and I could disguise it as a smoke bomb—nobody would even try to dodge.
Developing the upgraded version took almost two weeks—I even had to pause Gopher's treatment. And then, one fine day (a day most of Konoha would rather forget), I succeeded. But I miscalculated a bit, and when I added the final ingredient, the entire pot of concoction turned into gas.
I crawled out of the toilet only by evening, with another brilliant idea: I need to brew an antidote first before anything else.
Making the antidote turned out to be even harder than the concoction itself. The biggest challenge was testing its effectiveness. Naturally, I didn't want to test it on myself—not after that time I hit the 1% chance to brew "God-Knows-What." The system labeled it "Minor Vial of God-Knows-What," but when I shook the bottle, it updated to "Potion of Random Stat Boost +100." Of course, I chugged it right away. Big mistake. Later tests with similar concoctions showed that shaking it completely changes its properties—anything could happen. That time, I drank it too fast, and it turned into a Potion of Severe Depression. For four hours, I poured my heart out to the system, whining about my life, lamenting how useless I was, all while downing my moonshine stash. The system even gave me a hidden quest completion and a reward: a "Seppuku Knife Set" with detailed instructions and a note to use it only as intended.
I snapped out of it just as I was unpacking the set.
After that, I swore off testing anything on myself. Gopher was appointed as the volunteer test subject—he's already terminally ill, so at least he can serve science.
— Gopher, your sacrifice won't be forgotten. I—and generations of shinobi—will remember your heroism and dedication in helping create this miraculous remedy. — I delivered a passionate speech, setting out vials of the antidote and the concoction on his bedside table.
Gopher probably wanted to thank me for the honor, but the gag with a built-in funnel got in the way.
Thirty-six versions of the antidote were ineffective, and they came with a ton of side effects—I burned through so many healing potions just to keep him alive.
But now I have a working antidote, and the moon no longer scares me. Even better news: Gopher's finally healed! The last potion—a Full Detoxification Potion—did the trick, though it had a side effect of +1000 Apathy. From what I've heard, Gopher's alive, well, and back on duty.
In my excitement, I decided to work on my inner world. I'd been wanting to change or add something for a while but never had the time. It turned out to be harder than expected. People say you just focus, imagine, and presto—your sewer turns into a blooming park. Lies. It took me an insane amount of time and effort just to punch a hole in the wall, then I had to fight the surrounding darkness for every square meter of space. Naturally, I didn't get a blooming park. Instead of trees and bushes, I got mushrooms—very specific ones, with meaty stems and brain-like caps, complemented by lakes and rivers of blood. All under a purple sky with green clouds. I had to toil over every detail, or everything I created would just melt away.
Now the exit from my Xenomorph-cockroaches' lair was at the base of a mountain in the center of an island, surrounded by a forest of giant mushrooms. Seeing how happy my Xenomorph-cockroaches were, I didn't regret the effort at all. Plus, the system gave me a +5 boost to Spirit and Will.
Later, I claimed another large chunk of space, but since I didn't have the time or energy to develop it, I made it a sea—a normal one, not bloody. The island now floats above this sea, along with a few smaller islets. For now, those smaller islands are empty—just chunks of rock. But I plan to create a unique ecosystem on each one eventually.
This kind of work was a great distraction and really calming. If I keep grinding mobs and brewing concoctions all the time, I'll lose my mind. I already lack normal social interaction—Tsukiko and Yasuka don't count. The first could talk a corpse to death, and the second… well, her name speaks for itself.
So, in my inner world, I set up this quirky little getaway.
After getting the antidote and healing Gopher, things settled into a routine: training, barrier runs, and brewing concoctions. The only variety came from the occasional concoctions with extra properties or something entirely different. Most of the time, it was useless junk, but sometimes I'd get something that made me want to jump for joy—and bash my head against the wall because I knew I couldn't replicate it. Thankfully, I used large containers for brewing, so even with the final product shrinking in volume, I'd get two to five doses. Sadly, there was no way to predict when the probability would trigger, so I often wasted expensive ingredients and ended up with acne cream or something equally useless—though the opposite happened too.
What really got me was when I tried to make borscht and ended up with a High Love Potion instead. Its description said it wasn't complete—you need to add the blood of the target for the charm to work, then make the victim drink it. Like the Gender Swap Potion, its effects are irreversible short of divine intervention, though it doesn't work on gods or equivalent beings. Shame—I'd already pictured using it on Kaguya.
Realistically, though, she'd kill me a hundred times before I got close. Turning it into a gas form would be too wasteful—I only got four doses, and even if I succeeded, a change in the wind could affect someone else. If it hit someone of the opposite gender, fine, but if not… brr. So, I'll save it for better times, alongside my other rare potions. They might come in handy for some serious revenge.
In the not-so-distant future, I'll have to deal with Minato's student and my godfather. About the first—Kakashi—what can I say from what I saw in the anime? He's a piece of dog shit. The fact that he never helped Naruto—not once—puts him below dirt. I've seen him a couple of times, and he's never helped, openly or otherwise. What would it have cost him to slip me a few bucks for groceries, or even the groceries themselves?
I've gotten more help from Danzo, and he's supposed to be the big bad here. Judging by how the Third keeps trying to get me hooked on ramen, my neighbor must've been sent by someone else. Thanks to her, I don't have to disguise myself to buy groceries anymore. Sure, I could eat stuff from the game shop, but that'd ruin my cover—and it's not as cost-effective. Plus, she helps with cleaning, laundry, and cooking. If I didn't know her true feelings from my reputation stats, I'd think she was the sweetest, kindest, most caring girl in the world—despite her name. All this against the backdrop of how the village treats me. If I didn't know how she really felt, I'd drag her to the altar the moment I came of age.
Back to my potential future sensei—I clearly remember those episodes and the bell test. I've got nothing against the test itself; it's fine in principle. But the execution? Kakashi made Naruto look like a complete idiot in front of his teammates, who already didn't respect him much, and after that, even less. He knocked out Sakura with a technique but just humiliated Naruto. Then he had the gall to say Naruto did the least—despite Sakura not even throwing a single kunai at Kakashi and getting taken out by genjutsu. I won't even start on the so-called "training" afterward—there wasn't any.
If he tries that crap with me, my revenge will be brutal. I won't hold back—I'll slip Gai a love potion keyed to Kakashi and let him experience new depths of the POWER OF YOUTH.
As for Jiraiya, my godfather, he couldn't care less about his godson's fate.
His "training" for summoning was basically an assassination attempt—threw me off a cliff and left. If I succeeded, great; if not, oh well. Genius teaching method. And the Rasengan training? "Here's a cool but completely useless technique." In my humble opinion, if you're close enough to hit the enemy with Rasengan, it's easier to stab them with a kunai. Sure, Rasengan has better penetrating power, but the enemy will dodge way harder to avoid a technique like that. A kunai coated with the right poison can outdo Rasengan's damage by a mile. I saw a poison at the auction the other day—one drop would kill an archdemon or ground an archangel in seconds.
Without the Flying Thunder God, Rasengan's just a finishing move. Its advanced version is cool and useful, but Jiraiya should've taught him a couple of Wind techniques instead.
My thoughts were interrupted by a strange rustling and the sound of a door opening. I peeked into the hallway and saw…
— Sumire.
— Bulb-bulk.
— Sumire!
— Bulb-bulk!
— SUMIRE!!!
— BULB-BULK!!!
The sight of a blond kid and a tentacled monster running toward each other affected the few witnesses differently. Gopher (yes, after being discharged from the hospital, he requested a codename change) had achieved zen after everything he'd been through and couldn't care less. The Root observers felt emotions for the first time in ages, expressing them by rhythmically banging their heads against a tree, just as their ANBU colleague used to do. That colleague, now sipping tea in a nearby tree, made the banging louder and faster. The system, witnessing this scene, blue-screened, confiscated five bottles of moonshine from the culprit's inventory—me—and started drinking to forget what it had just seen.