I need a camera with wifi. I have a minor following to some. 10,000 followers. And I have at least 20 fuckers who are either bots or addicted to me. I can't ever decide with them, they show up too fast. It's like they're an unemployed addict or a bot. I can't decide. But I do know one thing, fame can be abused in situations like this.
It's time to hit the Fame button. I need the public to panic about this. I am searching people's houses desperately, until I finally come across a laptop with wifi. I log onto XXX.com, and send out a bleet.
Jack The Gunner ☑️
Hey internet, I've been like, kidnapped by Osama terrorists. Or maybe they're mexican. I don't know. Please send help. Also bring me a sandwich. And a coke.
Now I sit in this room. And wait. I remember the past, when I was a child star actor. When I was first famous. And a boy my age wanted my autograph. So I made him stand on his head until I got bored, and signed his stupid shirt. Then for some reason, everyone in the grocery store fought over my signature. I later learned that autographs from celebrities are worth too much money. It's fucking dumb. But it's whatever. I fucked around for fun once, and signed Ashten Butcher's name on people's houses so they'd try selling them for a million dollars. One guy almost did it.
… I'm gonna take a nap. … … …
"MR.PRESIDENT! MR.PRESIDENT! I MEAN JACK NICKOLSON! NO, I MEAN OBAMA! I MEAN JACK THE GUNNER! WHATEVER THIS STUPID CELEBRITIES NAME IS! WE NEED TO SAVE OSAMA BIN LADEN!" Panicked young man yells desperately.
I sit up and shout "Be more patriotic!"
"WE NEED TO SAVE AMERICA! AMERICAAAAA!" Soldier yells passionately.
I nervously look outside my window, and see crazy fucking patriots running around with guns of all kinds. They don't even look like soldiers. Some of them are regular americans. I can't even imagine how they got here.
"I SAW SHAGGYBKFAN WAS HERE! THEY HAVE ALL OUR STREAMERS! THEY HAVE OUR STREAMERRRSSSS!" Young Woman yells passionately.
… My god, it's worse than I thought. I wasn't the only one who hit the fame abort button. Now my fans and everyone's fans are inter-mingling. That's not good. Especially during a crisis. My humor is kind of offensive. And I taught martial arts one time. It was dumb. Now all my fans know how to fight, and people bitch at me for teaching their kids kung fu.
Oh no, the culture shock has started. It's youtuber gang versus streamer gang.
"Hey you can't come here, we're looking for Watt the Wozzburger. Go away, you're not helping." Watt Fan A says angrily.
"Hey, but we saw… we saw… we say Groggrog is in there. We should help each other." Groggrog fan A says nervously.
The two groups stare at each other. They each wore youtuber merch. And one woman tightly clutched a Groggrog bobblehead. While a man held a custom made Watt the Wozzburger machete, with the hilt of the sword being Watt the Wozz's head cast out of steel.
I was transfixed by what I saw. The sheer stupidity knew no bounds. They were arguing over who gets to save their youtuber first. For shame. The humanity of this situation is hysterical. I am laughing at them as they gear to fight each other for glory, fame, and getting to suck their youtuber's cock.
"Hey, we can hear you! You're thinking out loud, ya know!? Quit making fun of us, our youtubers are beefing!" Watt the Wozzburger Fan B yells angrily.
"Yeah, Groggrog fucked his mom and it's funny." Groggro Fan B says with mean humor.
With that, the Watt fans screech furiously, some roar, and they all start fighting. It is so hard to take this situation seriously. It's fucking absurd. However, my laughs don't last forever. Cause one of them opens fire at me, and suddenly three of my fans appear. And I'm shitting bricks cause I'm the former military youtuber so these fuckers know how to use guns. And they tear them to shreds with their automatic rifles. Cause I'm always telling them they're too fucking dangerous. And they were smart the wrong way, so now they all use the fucking rifles. Why don't they make these things illegal, I hate how impulsive these bastards are.
Anyway, now that I unfortunately have my fans, it is time to hijack the situation until someone like Sewdiepie or Ben Afflack appears. Truly I wonder how long it will be until another celebrity shows up and hijacks my fans. It's happened before. And with my girlfriend too. They jingled keys at her, and said how much money they had in their bank account. Next thing I knew, I found my girlfriend was a gold digger cause she just ran over, wrapped herself around his shoulder, and started taking selfies with her new man. Also I found out my girlfriend was secretly a Famous Onlyfans girl that somehow suppressed her account from me. She never explained how, she just said she blocked me. She claims she just asked tech support, and said I was toxic. Which to be fair, I used my military skills to show up to her house to steal back my headphones cause she wouldn't give them back… and they were worth $200…
Anyway, enough reminiscing. Time to focus on the situation, and get a fan squad going. I step outside, and enthusiastically say "Howdy boys, it's me. Jack the Gunner. Let's go kill some terrorists!"
They all turn to me, smiles in their eyes and face. And say in unison:
"No, we're Fartiplier fans."
And I hunched over with disappointment. Cause I knew what happens next.
"Can you tell me where the airport is?" I ask with little hope.
"SHUT UP, WHERE'S FARTIPLIER!? WE DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU, YOU'RE SMALL TIME! FARTIPLIER IS HERE!" Fartiplier soldier A yells furiously.
I facepalm and growl with angry disappointment.
"I HATE HUMANITYYYYY! WHY DOES THE FAME EFFECT MAKE US SOOO DUMBBBBB!?" I yell angrily at the sky.
"Shut up, your penis is small. Now we're off to find Fartiplier." Soldier B says with mean humor.
They all walk away from me, while making Fartiplier references. Like Tiny Box Jim. And Luigi's Condo. I don't know what I'm gonna fucking do, I should've known this would go wrong. It always goes wrong cause I'm small time. People just ignore me while chaos is going on. I'm just gonna walk around the town, and find a car to drive away with.
… … … Alright, I found a nice blue sedan. Only took 5 minutes of walking through this chaos.Thankfully, all these fellow Americans recognize I'm also American or something, so they're relatively ignoring me. I gave one guy an autograph cause he was a fan, but he said he was helping save JackToxicLad with his friends so he couldn't stay and hang out. Which is annoying cause I could really use a partner, but whatever.
I try searching the car for keys and find them. I start the car, pump my fist happily, and begin driving away. However, within under a minute a crazy fan of someone jumps on my car hood and points a gun at me.
"GIVE US THE CAR! WE NEED IT TO DRIVE LUIGI BOLOGNA HOME!" Crazy Fan yells desperately.
I yell with fright, and hit the gas. The fan flies off the hood, and I try driving down the street. However, a mob of fans rushes to the front of my car, and all use the power of insane fan teamwork to stop my car in place. My mind is boggled, calculations running in my head on how they could fast enough to pull this off. Or how strong they'd have to be. Is adrenaline in their system?
Then a guy walks to my window, and points a gun at me.
"Hey, get out the car piss ant. This is Fartiplier's car now." Angry Fan says coldly.
"Son of a bitch. Fine." I say, angrily nervous. I step out the car, and see Fartiplier be led to the car. He's as confused as I am.
"Who even are you guys? The military?" Fartiplier says with extreme confusion and shellshock.
"No, we're your fans Fartiplier. We love you." Crazy Woman Fan says lovingly.
"Ew, shut up. I have a girlfriend." Fartiplier says angrily.
They get into the car, and begin driving away. Slowly, as he stays surrounded by fans. And some of them dare to jump in the car. I am just so shocked at what I'm seeing. Why are fans like this to celebrities? Are we sure they're not the military? I feel like they're lying.
Anyway, I keep walking. Until I'm witnessing something even more absurd. A gamer youtuber named Moist Sickle is doing a live lets play of Rash Candiflute. And everyone loves it. Even though he keeps saying things like:
"So are you gonna get me a ride home or something?" he says nervously.
"So like, I'm hungry." he says nervously.
Suddenly a fan pulls out a box of pop tarts. He laughs nervously, and eats some.
"So like, I could use a gun." he says cockily.
Suddenly everyone throws a pistol at Moist Sickle. They almost all smack into him, and some even go off when they hit the ground. Everyone jumps a bit with each gunshot. However, it quickly settles down. With only one fan being shot in the knee. Then Moist Sickle just nervously looks at each gun.
"So which gun should I use? Ooo, golden revolver. And a sawed off shotgun? Hell yeah." he says happily.
Suddenly I hear the sounds of a helicopter. I look up, and see a jumbotron hanging down from the black helicopter. It is on, with a famous American celebrity's face on it. It's Mindy Incoglinni. Some American writer whose stories I've read before.
"Ladies and gentleman, it's America's favorite mother Mindy Incoglinni speaking. Please kill all Fartiplier fans and Fartiplier. We with the U.S. Government have determined Fartiplier was helping the gangs here. And also so was everyone who has ever criticized me. Especially Fartiplier's girlfriend." she monologues angrily.
… So Fartiplier's car was still within viewing distance, right? And now I just see a grenade followed by another grenade being thrown at Fartiplier's car. I am now in a war between Celebrities. Fartiplier just made a bad gamer call and yelled:
"SHOOT THE GRENADES OUT THE SKY!"
And that was a bad move. Cause they all missed, all his fans, and the grenades reached him. They exploded, and now Fartiplier and his fans are now dead. … Am I crying cause of some gamer celebrity dying? I didn't even watch him. Now I hear massive amounts of tears from all directions crying out to the heavens at once. Followed by a missile being fired at that helicopter and the jumbotron. Both missiles explode, destroying their targets. The jumbotron crashes into Moist Sickle's house, and they almost all get crushed. Except for one brave man who carried Moist Sickle out the house. And they both lived.
"Hey, I could've ran out myself. Wait, did they all die?" Moist Sickle says with angry confusion.
"I GOT YOU MR.PRESIDENNNTTTT!" Crazy Fan D yells passionately.
They sprint with Moist Sickle in his arms to the east. I am not gonna lie. I am coping with confused laughter. I am just an observer to madness.
"I bet JackToxicEye could beat CallMeSteve in a fight!" Crazy Fan F yells defensively.
"Oh yeah, then let's see it. FIGGGHHTTTT!" Crazy Fan J yells angrily.
"Wait, why are we fighting?" Random Man says nervously.
"Yeah, I don't want to, Jack. We're both with each other. I just did a collab with him last week in fact." Man I assume is CallmeSteve says with nervous confusion.
I follow the noise, and find an alley with two massive groups of fans surrounding the two youtubers. It's become an improvised fight ring, with overstimulated crackhead fans watching their favorite youtubers. And I swear they're just getting high off of them taking fighting stances.
"OH MY GOD, STEVE IS A BOXER! I'M A BOXER TOO!" Crazy Fan J yells happily.
"JACK KNOWS KRAV MAGA, I SWEAR TO GOD HE DOES!" Crazy Fan W yells excitedly.
"What, no. It's wrestling. Anyway, shut up, we're not fighting." Jack says, quietly angry. Like he's pouting and scared.
… … … I am the only sane man in a five block radius at least, clearly I must stop this. But how? … They are overstimulated and high off of celebrities being around, so what if I distracted them with youtube videos? Do I have my phone? No, fuck. Okay, how I can use this situation and these youtubers to manipulate their own fans? … Fuck it, I'm gonna suggest charity stream.
"What if they did like, a charity stream together instead of fought?" I say in a silly voice so they don't recognize me.
Everyone gasps.
"CAN YOU GUYS DO A 24 HOUR LIVESTREAM IF WE SAVE YOU!?" Crazy Fan W yells happily.
The youtubers jaws drop with anger, and they glare at me.
"No, I'm not doing that. Just take me home. I'll pay you. I'll give you like, twenty bucks each. And it'll have my signature on it." Jack says angrily.
…
"Can you send us free merch instead?" Crazy Fan Y asks nicely.
"Yeah, fuck it. Make a list of your addresses, and I'll send free merch." Jack says with a defeated, bitter tone.
"Yeah, I'll do the same. Just make a list." Steve says grumpily.
They all get excited, and start making lists on their phones and somehow text messages reach the celebrities' phones.
"Why do you even have my phone number, you freaks?" Jack says angrily.
"I dunno, just deal with it." Crazy Fan M says calmly.
I just walk away, I'm overwhelmed by the situation. I reach the fence of the city, and find parts of it have been torn down. I walk through a hole, and begin walking through the desert. It is peaceful for a bit. Then I feel something in the back of the head out of nowhere, and I'm unconscious.
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I wake up in a new location, and I'm mad. Because now I'm in a room with cameras everywhere. There are even cameramen. And there are four other celebrities of varying levels of fame in the same room. Two are actors, one is a musician, and one is an athlete. I am extremely concerned by this.
"What's going on?" I ask fearfully.
"They're making us compete. Cause we're celebrities. They want to know who's the strongest." Athlete James Asgood says bitterly.
I sigh angrily.
"Of course us celebrities being caught in a life and death situation wouldn't be good for us. Of course it wouldn't." I say bitterly.