Shant's POV
We were on our way to school, and as usual, I was staring out the window, my thoughts miles away from where we were. There was a heaviness inside me that I couldn't shake off. I couldn't help but think about Nathalie, about what would happen when she comes back home.
I've been trying to push it aside, but I knew it wouldn't go away. The truth is, I don't belong here. I'm not really their daughter. I was adopted, and every time I think about it, I feel like I'm a stranger in my own family. I try to tell myself that things are fine, that they accept me, but deep down, I know Nathalie doesn't feel that way.
Since we were kids, she's always made it clear that I don't belong. It's hard, especially knowing that she'll be back soon. I don't even know how to face her. I can't help but wonder, what would happen if she never accepts me? What would happen if I always feel this way, like an outsider in the place I should feel most at home? Sometimes, I wish I could just disappear and make it easier for everyone. But at the same time, I wish she would just see me as her sister.
"Shant, are you okay?" Kuya's voice broke through my thoughts, his tone gentle, but there was concern in it.
I snapped out of my daze and forced a smile, turning to him. "Yes, kuya!" I quickly answered, my eyes once again returning to the window.
"Parang may malalim kang iniisip," he said, his voice tinged with worry. "Is something wrong?"
I paused for a moment, unsure of what to say. How could I tell him that I was feeling so lost, that everything felt like it was crumbling around me? I didn't want him to worry, and I certainly didn't want him to think I was making things harder than they already were.
"Ano kasi..." I hesitated, unsure whether I should open up. But then, I realized I couldn't. "Ah, wala naman kuya."
"Are you sure?" he asked again, his eyes searching mine for some hint of the truth.
"Yup!" I quickly responded, trying to sound convincing even though I wasn't.
"If you have any problem, just tell me," he added softly. He was serious now, and I could tell he was worried about me.
"Wala kuya. Ok lang ako," I said, forcing the words out. I didn't want to burden him with my feelings. I knew he already had enough to deal with.
But deep down, I was torn. I wanted to talk to him, but at the same time, I didn't want to add more stress to his already complicated life. Besides, I wasn't sure how to even explain what I was feeling. It was like this constant weight on my chest that I couldn't shake off.
As we continued driving, my mind drifted back to my upcoming graduation. It was only a month away, and I hadn't even thought about what I wanted. Maybe it was a good time to ask kuya for something.
"Hmmm. Kuya, malapit na pala ang graduation ko. One month na lang," I said, trying to sound casual, but I could feel the tension in my voice.
"So?" he replied, sounding a little confused, but not catching on.
"Wala!" I snapped, suddenly annoyed with myself. "Kainis ka!"
"Haha! Galit ka na naman. What do you want for your graduation gift?" he teased, clearly enjoying my reaction.
I was quiet for a moment. I didn't know what to ask for. It wasn't like I wanted something big or extravagant. I just wanted something that would matter, something that would make me feel remembered.
"Uh, kahit ano kuya. Basta, something simple, pero wherever I go, I'll remember it's from you, and I'll treasure it," I said, trying to be honest, even though it sounded a little too dramatic.
"What are you saying, Shant? It sounds like you're saying goodbye or something," he said, raising an eyebrow. His eyes flickered with confusion, and I immediately panicked.
"Huh? Ah, hindi kuya!" I quickly shook my head, trying to backtrack. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Wag ka ngang ganyan. Nag-aalala na ako sayo," he said, his voice serious now. "Don't act like that, okay? Do you want me to scold you again?"
"Of course, NO!" I answered quickly, not wanting to be scolded again.
I could see the concern in his eyes, and it made me feel both guilty and relieved. Maybe I was overreacting. I didn't want him to think I was being distant on purpose. I didn't want him to think I was shutting him out. But I couldn't help it. Everything felt so complicated. I felt like I was stuck in this limbo between wanting to be close to him and not knowing how to act around him anymore.
"Ok na! Basta, maganda ang ereregalo mo sakin!" I said, trying to brush off the awkwardness and pretending that everything was fine.
"Of course, Shant," he said, smiling, but there was still that worried look in his eyes.
I turned my face back to the window, not wanting him to see how uncomfortable I was. I didn't know how to make things better. I didn't know how to fix this distance that was slowly creeping in between us. (Hanggang kailan kaya ganito kami ni kuya? I don't want things to be weird between us. I want everything to go back to the way it was before. But how do I fix it when I don't even know what's wrong?)
The rest of the ride was quiet, and even though I tried to focus on the scenery outside, my thoughts were a mess. I couldn't stop thinking about Nathalie, about everything that was changing.
By the time we arrived at school, I felt drained. I wasn't sure if it was the weight of everything I was feeling or just the exhaustion from trying to act normal. But as I stepped out of the car and waved goodbye to kuya, I couldn't shake off the feeling that something was wrong between us. I just didn't know how to make it right.
I hoped, someday, I'd figure it out. But for now, I'd keep pretending everything was fine.