Sometimes I wonder what it feels to have a normal family and a peaceful life. Is it even possible to have something like that in real life? For me it's always like a distant dream, something you only see in Movies.
My mother died two years after I was born. I was 10 when he married another woman which now I have to call Mom, and a person to whom I must refer to as a big sister.
I didn't love my new mom, and she didn't love me back either, but we had some shared scenes of emotional connection when she used to give me the stale piece of bread when I used to tell her I am hungry. About my sister, she was 8 years older than me. I liked her, she used to spoil me with chocolates and she was mostly busy with her studies so I didn't get to talk to her much , but I didn't expect that I would start harboring brotherly love towards her. I will not say I was happy, that emotion was something I had yet to discover, but I was at peace with all of this, at least that's what I felt like at that moment.
At the age of 12, my dad decided to move to America with all four of us. In this new land everything was different; People, cars, Buildings, books, language and the general way of life. And it was a bit humorous to see that most of my school mates at school used to adore the celebrities in their new tanned look, but I used to get their unsettling eyes on me as if I let the hell loose on earth. Then I got used to it, I quickly found out that everything here is superficial and hypocritical, but my dad argued that it's the same everywhere, it's just me who started to notice it since I was growing up. I loved those bits of moments where I used to sit with my dad and have a talk for 5 to 10 minutes before he used to doze off on his bed after 10 hours of factory work.
I was 14, not a very good age to lose your father, especially when he was the only working member of a first generation Immigrant family in America. His company said he was not wearing safety equipment that day, which surprised me because this Man was a man of rules and he never missed his equipment. He used to be there at the right time and leave after overworking his body because he had to fund my Sister's University expenses and save some for me too. Whatever happened, arguing he wore his safety equipment or not would not bring him back, he was gone. When the news of his accident came, my mom fell on her knees, I tried to lift up the poor lady because it was for once I sympathised with her, at that moment she hugged me and cried for hours, which also led me to leave some tears considering that I thought my tears had already been dried. My sister came back from her University at Georgia when she got this mournful news, her first reaction when she saw me was to hug me and kiss my forehead and tell me that everything's going to be alright, at that moment I felt strange, I didn't know what I felt, but my heart felt heavy and I let myself loose in her arms finally.
After his departure, I had to take up a job at a local restaurant as a waiter to support myself while my mom joined some local store to work as a cashier.
I hated my Job, to be always on your feet, have to deal with entitled customers thinking they own my fucking being in the hot summer in Arizona, that's it's my fucking fault that you didn't like the dish you ordered, I can't punch their faces or else I will lose my job so I had to put a big fake smile and have to calm down and assure them that everything will be fixed as if they are toddlers who can't handle a few bumps in their life.
When I had just started to make peace with this new scattered life of mine, another bullet of misery hit me right at the chest when I lost my sister to bullying and harassment. One year after I lost my dad, she took her own life because of constant humiliation by her mates and co-workers. At that time I felt that I just fucking can't have a normal life, my mom was still recovering from the loss of her husband that now she lost her daughter, I genuinely felt bad for her and for myself too because I loved my dad and I loved my sister too, regardless if we were related by blood or not. It took her another year to properly function normally into society, for one year she used to work and pray, prayer was something she picked up probably to cope up with pain.
After so much, my school mates started to sympathise with me, and I made a few genuine friends finally, perhaps people are not that bad either. Slowly, I felt my life was getting back at track, I was busy with school and then work, and now I finally had a social life where I have to go Movies with my friends and attend their birthday parties, and listen them hear about their heartbreaks and new love interests , it was fun , but deep down , I still felt something was missing, I used to laugh but I had to force air out of my mouth to make them feel good, I used to listen to songs, but the melodies that people adored were just a background noise for me, I used to eat but hardly felt the taste on my pallet, I used to wake up, but I had to force open my lids which felt like I was moving the mountains everyday just so I can continue with my life.
I never felt a need for a relationship, I always used to think it's a contract between two people so they can just touch and kiss each other and be intimate and leave when your partner is going through a rough phase and find a new person who you refer to as your lover. I used to think like this until this year. I am in my junior year now, as I said I never felt a need of relationship until I saw Selene in my math class, seeing her felt like a pleasant breeze passed on my sweaty face in the hot summer of Arizona, my eyes always kept looking for her wherever I go, "Just one glimpse", I used to wish this everyday since I saw her.