The glowing door closed behind us with a whoosh, and suddenly, I was standing on something solid. Sort of. It was like... glass? Or light? Or glass made of light?
I didn't have time to think too hard about it.
Before me stretched an endless room filled with floating panels, strange machines, and dozens of other poor souls—some human, some not—arguing with their guides, holograms, or in one case, a floating duck with sunglasses.
I turned to Shiv, who was already tapping his wrist console with a claw.
"Alright, Pajama Boy," he said, smug as ever. "Time for your class selection."
"Okaaay," I said cautiously. "So, what kind of options are we talking about here? Like... RPG classes?"
"Congratulations. You've played a video game before. Do try to keep up."
He swiped through several glowing screens before they hovered in front of me like digital cards, each labeled with a different class and a quick summary. Shiv read them out loud, oozing sarcasm.
Class Offered:
Swordmaster
"For people who think swinging a giant sword makes them deep. High offense, low brain cell retention. Comes with tragic backstory and anime hair."
Battle Mage
"You like fireballs and blowing things up? Good. Just don't cry when you burn your own eyebrows off. Glass cannon with style points."
Healer
"Congratulations, you're everyone's favorite until someone forgets to protect you. Support class. Prepare to be blamed for everything."
Alchemist
"Boom boom bottles and illegal potion mixing. Great if you enjoy playing with chemicals and losing your eyebrows creatively."
Botanist
"Ah yes. The Botanist. For those who like to water plants while the world explodes around them. Weak offense. Moderate utility. High chance of dying while hugging
a fern."
I squinted. "Botanist... really?"
Shiv raised an eyebrow. "Oh yes. You'd love it. Comes with a trowel. And crippling irrelevance."
"I'm literally wearing pink pajamas and running from space men. Do I look like I want to die holding a daffodil?"
"I don't know, you've got 'accidental houseplant enthusiast' energy."
Barry, who'd been hovering silently, let out a long, slow beep that definitely sounded like a laugh.
I ignored them both and focused on the glowing cards. "Okay, so Swordmaster and Battle Mage are damage dealers... Alchemist's probably tricky but fun. Healer would mean constantly being yelled at..."
"Don't pick Healer," Shiv said. "You cry too easily."
"I DO NOT—okay fine, I once cried watching a dog reunion video."
"Case closed."
I scratched my head. "So... if I pick one, I can't change it?"
Shiv shrugged. "There's maybe one loophole, but it involves surviving five Trials, passing a Luck test, bribing a goat god, and eating a mystery bean. So yes—one shot. Pick wisely."
I hovered my hand over each class, sweating. Battle Mage sounded awesome... but very explode-y.
Swordmaster looked cool, but I've never held anything sharper than a kitchen knife.
Healer? Eh. I like helping people, but not being blamed for their dumb mistakes.
I blinked. "Wait… Botanist?"
Shiv snorted. "Oh yes. That one. The legendary, awe-inspiring, pants-wetting class of—hold onto your leaves—Botanist."
He leaned in, smug enough to power a small city.
"Why fight monsters when you could gently whisper to a weed? Why throw fireballs when you could catalog moss? Why save lives when you could compost?"
I tilted my head. "So what does it do?"
He raised an eyebrow. "It lets you grow plants. Slowly. With intense focus. If you're very lucky, you might get a vine to slap someone by next Tuesday."
Barry hovered beside me, blinking nervously like please no.
"Can it… make poison ivy?" I asked.
Shiv sighed. "Yes. Eventually. If you find seeds. And soil. And sun. And if the universe takes pity on you."
My eyes lit up.
Shiv's narrowed. "No."
"Yes."
"No, John."
"I choose to be a Botanist."
Shiv slapped his metallic panda face.
"You're choosing the worst class available."
"I don't care! Plants are cool! I once grew a Venus flytrap named Chad. He almost ate my finger."
"That's not a flex."
"I bonded with him emotionally."
"Stop."
"I was born to be a Botanist."
Shiv made a static buzzing sound that I'm 87% sure was the panda equivalent of groaning. "Fine. Die hugging a fern. See if I care."
I reached out and confidently tapped the Botanist card. It glowed green and gold, like a glowing salad.
CLASS SELECTED: BOTANIST
"Life finds a way. Eventually. Maybe. Probably not. Good luck."
A little green sprout symbol appeared on my wrist.I looked at it proudly.
"It's cute."
Shiv whispered something that sounded like, "We're doomed," and then sighed again. "Your class robe's going to come with gardening gloves. I hope you're happy."
I was. Against all logic, I was very happy.
"Now what?" I asked.
The platform under our feet began to tremble.
TRIAL ONE: COMMENCING IN 60 SECONDS. PLEASE PREPARE TO BE SORTED.
Shiv turned to me. "Any last words before you get mulched?"
I smiled. "Yeah. Let's grow something stupid."
The glowing countdown above our heads ticked down as Shiv casually flipped through a floating map of glowing planets, humming some robotic panda version of elevator music.
"Right," he said, sounding way too cheerful. "Now that you've chosen the bravest and least practical class in the system—"
"Botanist is underrated," I said firmly, arms crossed.
"Sure," Shiv smirked, "and cheese is a drink."
He stopped swiping when he landed on a green, thorny-looking world. It pulsed angrily like it had opinions.
Planet: Virexia-9
Status: Uninhabited.
Flora: Aggressive.
Fauna: Not applicable—they've all been eaten.
"Perfect," Shiv purred. "Welcome to Virexia-9, the galaxy's most educational greenhouse-slash-mauling arena."
My stomach dropped. "Wait, that's where I'm going?"
"Oh, absolutely. It's the perfect environment for growing your… fighting plants."
I narrowed my eyes. "You mean the ones I don't have yet?"
Shiv winked. "Trial by photosynthesis, Pajama Boy."
The ground under me glowed. Barry beeped in panic, his little arms flailing as my boots stuck to the light-pad.
TRIAL OF THE CHOSEN: INITIATING.
"Welcome, John the Botanist. Survive Virexia-9 for 72 hours. If successful, you will enter the Multiverse Game. If not... you can say goodbye to your planet"
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT?!"
Shiv shrugged, smug as ever. "Just a tiny clause. If you die during the Trial, end game. Poof. You're gone. Not my rules. You wanted to be a plant guy. Time to prove it."
My entire brain screamed. "I'm wearing PINK PAJAMAS! I HAVE A BACKPACK FULL OF BOXERS AND CHARCOAL!"
"You'll fit right in with the native carnivorous moss," he said, patting me on the back. "Good luck, Captain Compost."
"Wait, Barry's coming too, right? I NEED—"
FLASH.
Everything went white.
Location: Virexia-9
The air smelled like pepper, poison, and panic.
I landed in a swampy forest with glowing vines, trees that breathed, and petals shaped like teeth. Barry crashed next to me with a sad little boop, blinking rapidly. My backpack hit the dirt with a splat.
I got up slowly, brushing off some weird plant jelly from my sleeve.
"…this is fine," I muttered. "This is totally fine. I can… uh… tame plants. Somehow. With no guide. Or shovel. Or sanity."
"TRIAL OF THE CHOSEN: TIME REMAINING – 71:59:42"
Objective: SURVIVE.
Bonus Objective: Don't get digested.
I clutched my backpack and looked around.
Something hissed.
Leaves rustled.
A flower opened across the clearing—revealing way too many teeth.
I gulped. "Okay, okay. Deep breaths. I'm a Botanist. I have Barry. I have survival snacks. I can do this."
Barry beeped nervously.
A giant mushroom burped in the distance.
I took one step forward—and the ground tried to eat my shoe.
"AAAAHHHHHH—"
Everything was fine.
Until it wasn't.
One second, I was nibbling on a protein bar, crouched behind a suspiciously large mushroom, whispering, "We're doing great, Barry," and the next—
A hissing sound.
Six viney necks rose from the swampy ground like demonic spaghetti noodles, each one topped with a fanged flower that looked way too smug for something photosynthetic.
Barry screamed in beeps and immediately latched onto my neck like a terrified shoulder-scarf.
"OH GREAT," I yelped, scrambling to my feet, "WHY DO PLANTS HAVE TEETH HERE?!"
The cobra-like flower-heads hissed again and lunged. I bolted.
Trial Log Update: You are being hunted. Please do not feed the local flora.
"Oh you think?!"
My boots squished through mud, leaves slapped my face, and Barry kept beeping "ABANDON PLANET" in Morse code directly into my ear.
Incoming Transmission: [Shiv the Sarcastic Guide]
A holographic window popped up mid-run. Shiv sipped glowing tea like he was watching a cozy romcom.
"Oh look, you're not dead yet. Cute."
"SHIV I'M BEING CHASED BY FREAKING PLANT SNAKES!"
"Yes, yes, the Virexian Slitherblossoms. Lovely manners. Breathe carbon dioxide. Screech at light. Hate people named John."
"WHY DO YOU KNOW THAT LAST ONE?!"
"I may or may not have told them your name."
"SHIV!"
He smiled. "Anyway, I figured you'd mess up, so I activated a safety protocol. There's a safe house about two kilometers east—tiny glowing dome, looks like a sad bubble. Get there, and maybe the man-eating plants won't mulch you."
"HOW DO I EVEN KNOW WHICH WAY IS EAST?!"
Shiv blinked. "You're a Botanist. Ask a tree."
Then the hologram disappeared with an obnoxious little ding.
I screamed into the void.
Barry's grip was cutting off circulation to my right shoulder. Behind us, the Slitherblossoms were gaining fast, their viney bodies whipping through mud and leaves.
My foot caught a root. I stumbled. One plant snapped at my ankle and missed by inches.
"I AM NOT FERTILIZER!" I yelled.
Barry beeped what I swear translated to:
"Emotionally you are."
We burst into a clearing filled with glowing fungi. A weird spore cloud puffed into the air and I sneezed hard enough to pull a muscle in my back.
A Slitherblossom leapt from a bush, only for a fungus to explode beside it, launching glowing dust into the air.
The flower snake froze, hissed in confusion, and started… hugging itself?
I blinked.
I mark that down. The mushrooms are either drugs or defense systems. Maybe it will help in the future.
We kept running.
And then finally,I saw it.
A tiny, flickering blue dome wedged between two suspiciously tall bushes. It looked like a glowing hamster ball on its last battery bar.
"That better be the safe house, or I'm kissing a mushroom goodnight!"
I dove toward it, Barry screeching like a kettle. The dome shimmered. A doorway opened just long enough for us to fly through before it sealed shut behind us with a low hum.
Silence.
I lay on the floor, panting in my pajama pants, covered in slime, mud, and crushed survival snacks. Barry finally unclamped from my shoulder and rolled off with a dramatic boop.
We stared at each other.
"I hate the plants here," I whispered.
Barry blinked twice.
"…except you," I added. "You're a cool plant-thing."
TRIAL LOG UPDATE:
You have found the Safe House.
Remaining Time: 59:03:27
Death Count: 0 (for now).
Shiv Message: "Congrats! You've survived the tutorial. Ish."
The inside of the safe house was… honestly not terrible.
It was a round little pod made of weird, humming glass. The floor was soft moss that didn't try to eat me, and glowing blue vines gently lit up the ceiling. There was a water dispenser that didn't insult me and a beanbag chair shaped like a radish.
"I might live here forever," I muttered, collapsing onto the beanbag with Barry slumped beside me like a dead battery.
Safe House Activated
Time Remaining: 08:00:00
All systems are functioning. Please enjoy not dying.
I reached into my backpack and pulled out a ration bar. It tasted like sadness and raisins, but at least it was food. Barry chewed on a broken cable he found in the corner. Everything was quiet for a full two minutes.
And then,
Incoming Transmission: Shiv the Panda
His hologram flickered above my head, sipping a drink with a bendy straw like he hadn't just tried to feed me to a jungle.
"Oh good, you survived. I'm shocked. Truly."
"Nice to see you too," I groaned. "Let me guess—you're here to make things worse?"
"Worse?" he gasped. "Johnny, I'm here to help you bloom into the majestic weed you are."
"…what?"
He clapped his paws and a burst of glitter exploded above his head.
New Skill Unlocked!
Skill: Appraisal (Plant Edition)
Description: Allows you to examine any plant-type entity and learn its species, threat level, weaknesses, and mood (because why not).
Cooldown: 10 seconds.
Shiv Notes: "Try not to scan your own houseplants. It's embarrassing."
I blinked. "You gave me… a plant-scanning skill?"
"Botanist, remember?" Shiv said smugly. "Can't have you wandering into sentient ferns without a clue."
I raised an eyebrow. "Why does it show their mood?"
"You know. For emotional support."
I groaned so loud the moss floor sighed in sympathy.
Skill Test: Appraisal Activated
"Fine. Let's see what this thing does."
I stood up and aimed my hand at a small plant near the corner of the pod—one with swirly leaves and a flower shaped like a tiny trumpet.
[Analyzing…]
Species: Singscream Bud
Threat Level: Low
Weakness: Fire, Cold Music
Mood: Slightly gassy
Notes: Will scream at sunrise. Don't water after midnight.
It immediately burped and squeaked, like a squeaky toy possessed by demons.
I stared. "That's… honestly helpful. Weirdly helpful."
Barry gave a hopeful boop.
I looked at the moss under my feet and used Appraisal again.
[Analyzing…]
Species: Sleeping Floor Moss
Threat Level: None
Weakness: Loud Noise, Jumping
Mood: Sleepy
Notes: Step softly or risk plant tantrum.
"Well that explains why it groaned earlier."
Shiv's voice chimed back in. "Now you're getting it, Pajama Man. Next step—use it to survive. You've got 59 hours of jungle hell waiting for you. Time to start building your plant army."
"My what?"
"Good luck~" he said, before cutting the feed like a sassy light switch.
I sat back down, chewing on a leaf I hoped wasn't toxic (Barry beeped three times, so… probably was).
I had 8 hours of safety, a plant scanner, a scared mutant plant-blob companion, and zero clue what I was doing.
But one thing was certain.
"I'm gonna make the most OP flower squad this galaxy has ever seen."
Barry booped proudly.
I leaned back, trying to plan.
First thing tomorrow: find a not-murderous plant. Appraise it. Make friends. Don't die.
And maybe—just maybe—shove this Trial of Chosen right back in Shiv's smug metal panda face.
Safe House Time Remaining: 07:47:33
Appraisal Cooldown: Ready.
Danger Level Outside: Still Extremely Bad.
I'll think about that tomorrow. Now, all I wanted was to rest.