This was when my health issues probably started showing its face in public before rearing its ugly head. I plan on making a follow-up book to go along with this one that goes more in-depth with my health. So as far as this book goes, I'll just be slightly covering topics of my health as I just glaze over it. I began having what doctors believed to be seizures, which my family and I just referred to as my "zone-outs." Though they would come on suddenly, I did have somewhat of a warning, but not very long, and by that point… the process had already started, so the people around me had no idea what was happening until I had already snapped out of it. I would get a bizarre sense of déjà vu, I would start "zoning out" the world around me, or dissociate, hence, why I called them zone-outs, my pupils would dilate, I'd black out for a bit, and when I eventually snapped out of the spell, I'd be broken out into a cold sweat pouring profusely down my face, with no short-term memory. The long-term memory was fine, it was just the short-term, then I would have to lie down and take a nap because I'd be extremely drowsy.
Doctors theorized I was more than likely experiencing absent seizures — but unless I had one during a scan — it couldn't be definitively ruled out as such given their sudden onset.
The good thing was that this meant I got to keep my driver's license… and I could always feel them coming on so I could pull over, if needed. The bad news was, I didn't know how to go about treating it, so they kept happening.
Do you remember me telling you earlier that I had gotten on birth control to make me have menstrual cycles? My doctor's office had just switched me to a new kind of birth control around the same time the zone-outs started. My Mom had a hunch that the type of hormones in the new medicine could potentially be the culprit, thinking the zone-outs could be hormonal.
Don't tell her I said this because it will almost surely go to her head… but, she was right. They switched me back to the other kind of hormone and the zone-outs stopped entirely.
But don't think I got off that easy! No. Then I had to go see a rheumatologist for chronic knee issues and coinciding pain while I was cheerleading. This will come into play a little later.
I was then diagnosed with tachycardia which was likely genetic.
Remember when I said I was flattered easily when a boy showed any kind of interest in me? When your dad is abusing you behind closed doors and putting you down by asking, "You sure you want to eat that," in addition to scattered "fat bitch/fat this/fat that" slung your way… you tend to have very low self-esteem and carry little to no confidence in yourself. Meanwhile, you're hoping plastering "Daddy's Little Girl" on the back window of your car will eventually win him over.
I began doing whatever I could do to fit in and stop insults being thrown my way, which led to me doing something I shouldn't have… let alone feel the need to do. Keep in mind that by that point in time, I had already been diagnosed with polycystic ovarian syndrome, which causes weight gain in a lot of patients who have it to begin with.
This was around the time that I had my bigger-than-the-last glow-up. If you understand puberty, I don't have to tell you that I eventually grew into my looks. I'm sure you know that something else that is highly synonymous with puberty and a brief period thereafter, it's an awkward time. Not only are you struggling with the intense changes, but you're also still trying to figure everything out and adapt to the changes. I was so desperate to fit in with the "popular" crowd, that I did something highly dangerous.
Around this time in my life, and for years after, I adopted an eating disorder. I couldn't make myself throw up for some reason, so instead, I popped laxatives like a Pez candy from a Pez dispenser.
Mind you, I was in the best shape of my life at this point. I was on the Varsity Cheerleading Squad, therefore getting a workout every weekday and staying active on the weekends. I still had some "pudge" in my stomach area due to the polycystic ovarian syndrome which I stayed self-conscious about.
I kept jackets on hand and wore them not just to school, but also in the classrooms throughout junior high and some of high school… all the time. It could have been scalding hot in a classroom or blistering cold outside the building, the jacket stayed on to conceal it… no matter what. Even concealed and uncomfortable, I still worried about my weight and continued to do so for years on afterward.
Do you know how you can do a lot of shopping from the comfort of your home and straight from your couch or bed in your pajamas nowadays thanks to advances in technology?
Well, not to brag, but I did that when I was a teenager — straight from my blue inflatable chair flipping through my Just Nikki, Delia's, Alloy, and the big-ass JCPenney's catalogs. Granted, it was back when you could flip through the pages of your favorite clothing catalog and could mail in the order form via snail mail — but that's beside the point.
This was back when the Yellow Pages, White Pages, Walkman's, TV Guides, VHS tapes, and payphones were relevant. Around the same time, people were just starting to get internet access in their homes… the dial-up kind.
This was back when parents woke you up instead of a cell phone alarm. I still remember my mom coming to wake me up for school, Mazi would be snuggled at my feet all nice and cozy. As soon as my mom entered, Mazi would start growling at her, the first time was a "leave us alone, we're sleeping" type of growl… soon followed by a mutual playful kind.
I just thought that was a cute memory and had to share it with you. My momma ended up keeping Mazi when I moved away from home. I'll follow up with more information regarding the circumstances revolving around that drama a little later.
I was a teenager on a part-time grocery store employee salary, in addition to my parents having financial struggles behind the scenes. So, with what little money they had living from paycheck to paycheck, I tried not to fan the flames by adding fuel to the metaphorical fire.
We don't want to go through the literal kind of flames again.
I'm telling you — I truly was a good kid growing up… it just went unnoticed by those I tried so desperately to convince. I'm also aware of how much it seems as if I'm trying to desperately convince you, as well. There are valid reasons for that… not even gonna lie, and it's one we will gradually circle back around to.
So, though it was usually window shopping, I always liked shopping… but never for myself. I would love the look of a clothing item, but always feared trying it on for myself. I dressed cute and looking back, looked cute… but I didn't feel that way at the time.
I was even in beauty school at this time, also. It was the vocational kind that works with your high school for early job training. You can choose to pursue the field after course completion or bypass the tests to pursue other endeavors. I didn't have a good experience while I was there, gradually losing my passion for the field after I completed all my hours for the course. I even submitted my application on leopard print paper with a picture of a blow-dryer and scissors at the top! I was ecstatic to get into the class, and even have the cosmetology symbol in my class ring.
The reason I even bring this up is because I had everyday access to free beauty treatments offered at a salon … and I still felt ugly.
I was making myself very sick when I started my laxative-popping the first time around. I secretly bought several boxes at different places at different times, hiding them in places no one would see them — popping them when no one was looking. The nurse of one of my doctors at the time found out about it, referring me to a therapist in my network.
Did you know that there are more eating disorders than just anorexia and bulimia nervosa? Which, I mean, makes sense as there is no just fat or just thin, ya know? I was diagnosed with something called an E.D.N.O.S., which stood for Eating Disorder None Other Specified, which I, myself — not a medical professional — understood as:
*Not Anorexic because I ate.
*Not Bulimic because even though I "purged," I didn't binge eat.
The doctor prescribed me a medication that came with a common side effect of weight gain. By the time I figured out the cause, I had gained eleven pounds within two weeks.
I need to tell that fuel to slow down — my fire ain't ready for this!
*To clarify, I am aware eating disorders are far more complex than how I am approaching them above; I am just trying to summarize what applies to me in the best way I know how.