Chapter 1
I dreaded the beginning of this school year. I didn't want to go, but my mom said I had no choice. Before walking downstairs, I put on the biggest hoodie I could find and a pair of jeans.
"Good morning," my mother says while making breakfast.
"Definitely a morning," I say under my breath, sitting at the counter and sighing.
Mom glares at me like I just insulted her ancestor!
"Is it that bad?" She rolls her eyes, looking away. I ignore her, grab my school stuff, and walk to the door.
"Not like you're going to listen if I try to explain," I open the door, leave, and quietly shut it behind me.
All I can think about is him and the way we laughed together on the way to school about the dumbest stuff. He always seemed happy…
It was weird that day when they shut his casket. I can still hear the echoes of his laughter in my mind, a haunting reminder of what I've lost. As I step into the crisp morning air, I'm overwhelmed by the weight of unspoken words and unfinished moments, realizing just how much I took for granted. I felt like they had turned off the light in my world. He was the only person who made me feel at home, and now he's gone.
I snap out of my daydreaming as I hear my friends call out my name as I walk up to our school.
"Hey," I say, forcing myself to smile even though I know it's not going to hide the bags under my eyes or my pale skin and tired body.
"You alright?" Amy says with a look of concern. "I'm fine," I reply a little too quickly, trying to brush off her worry. But deep down, I can feel the weight of my sadness pressing down on me, making it difficult to keep up the facade.
"You look like a ghost," Jackson, Amy's boyfriend, says, wrapping his arms around her waist.
"Thanks, Jackson." I slip by them and enter the school, pulling out my schedule while walking down the hall and accidentally bumping into someone.
"Oh, sorry," I say in a numb tone as I mentally kick myself for not paying attention.
"Watch where you're going, freak," the tall guy says, walking away.
I wanted to break down right there as I looked back at him.
"Sorry...," I whisper even though he is already gone. I take a deep breath, trying to shake off the embarrassment that clings to me like my damp hoodie. As I continue down the hall, I remind myself that I just need to get through the day and focus on my classes, hoping to blend into the background once again.
I get into class and sit in the corner away from everyone, as I see the same guy walk in with a group of guys and his arm wrapped around two girls. I'm not sure why, but it makes my stomach churn.
"Okay, class," the teacher says, getting everyone's attention.
"We will have a seating arrangement." I shake my legs, looking at her as she starts assigning seats as she gets to me.
"Emma, right here," she points to the back seat in the other corner next to the wall, sitting at the same desk as the tall guys.
"This day couldn't get any worse," I whisper to myself, sitting down next to him. I immediately lay my face in my crossed arms on the desk and shook my legs.
"Could you stop, please? It's already annoying," Kyle says to me, whose name I picked up from his notebook.
I cross my legs, holding them in place, not answering.
"Do you even talk?" he said, slightly poking at me.
I wince, grabbing my side in pain.
"Wow, I didn't know you were that sensitive," he snickers as I'm ready to cry, still burying my face deep in my arms.
He finally left me alone before class ended. It seemed like in every class, I was sitting on the perfect perimeter of Kyle. Smith wouldn't have put up with this, I thought to myself. He was always protective of me. Even when we were just strolling through the park, he always wanted me within his reach. He always told me that it was "just in case," but I always felt safe with him.
As I got to lunch, I grabbed a small juice that they had left over from breakfast and sat with my friends.
"Hey," Lilly said as I sat down across from her. Dominic, Amy, and Jackson came and sat next to us. They were the closest thing I had to Smith. Occasionally, it hurts to look at them. All I could remember was how close we all were, like the late-night snack runs or midnight swims. I missed it, but I don't think I could ever do it again because it wouldn't feel the same.
"You're OK, Emma? You seem quiet." I look at her with tired eyes.
"I'm fine, thanks," I say, trying to act as normal as possible. I feel so cold, but not physically. I'm mentally cold. I jump as I feel a large pair of hands grab my shoulders.
"If it isn't the suicide starter," I feel like I just got a blow to the gut as Kyle's hands squeeze my shoulders, my eyes widening.
"What are you talking about?" I say, knowing exactly what he is talking about, because "suicide started" is all I've felt ever since Smith died.
"Fuck off, Kyle." Amy looks Kyle sternly in the eyes as he whispers in my ear.
"Poor little Smith couldn't even handle you," he chuckles, walking away.
I wanted to get up and scream at him, telling him that it wasn't my fault, but every part of me believed the same thing he said. I sank deeper into my seat, the weight of his words pressing down on me like a heavy blanket. The laughter of my classmates echoed around the room, but all I could hear was the silence that followed Smith's absence, a void that seemed to swallow me whole. I looked back at Amy as I quickly grabbed my stuff, leaving the cafeteria.
"Wait—" I'm gone before she can say anything else as I run down the hall to the library.
No one was ever in the library. That was the one spot Smith and I always ran away to so that we could escape the bustling of the school.
I collapsed in the corner, sliding down the wall and breaking into tears. I tried so hard to keep my composure already. I always told everyone I was fine and okay, but in reality, I felt the same way Smith felt. I had too many people relying on me to pull the same stunt he did, but I was so close to giving up.
I sat there in silence, sobbing into my arms as I heard the door creak open. Kyle walked around the shelf I was hiding behind as he scuffed.
"Wow, the little freak can't even take simple teasers," he said, crossing his arms and leaning against the dusty shelf, smirking.
"Go away, Kyle." I say, wiping my eyes like that's going to hide the fact that I've been sobbing as he walks over and sits down next to me.
"Life sucks, doesn't it? Especially when you make your best friend kill himself. That's a hard pill to swallow, huh?" He says to me, like I'm a baby who doesn't understand what he's saying.
"You don't know what happened!" I finally broke down. I couldn't take it anymore with all the anger and pain I felt.
"You weren't there!" He was always happy and smiling. It wasn't my fault. I'm struggling to make words at this point, breaking into a panic attack and grabbing my chest.
"He hated you…," I whisper as tears continue to roll down my face. Kyle's face was unreadable. I couldn't tell if he was pissed or annoyed or maybe… Did he feel guilty?
"I-I-I," he structures his words, trying to find the right ones.
"Go away, okay?!" Leave me alone!" I say as he rolls his eyes, getting up and walking away.
"Whatever the freak?" I finally catch my breath, whipping my face up and getting up. I go into the bathroom and splash my face with cold water.
Eventually, the end of the day arrived. I walk back home and immediately go to my room, slamming my door as I hear my brother yelling at his games from the other side of my wall. I put my headphones on as I lay on my bed. I want to forget today. I want to move schools and never go back to that school ever again. Kyle makes me feel even worse about what happened to Smith.
"It wasn't my fault," I repeat to myself, trying to convince myself that it wasn't my fault.
I fell asleep before waking up to a phone call hours later from Amy.
"Hey girl..." We both sat in silence for a while.
"Hi," I whisper.
"Please don't let him get to you. Kyle: I mean, he's just a douchebag looking for attention," she said. I sigh.
"I miss him," I whisper into the phone again as her side of the line goes quiet.
"Me too…"
"It isn't fair!" I break down, punching my pillow.
"It isn't fair." I whisper, tears running down my face.
"I know, I do too Emma, but we can't fix it, okay? It already happened, and I know it sucks. You two were close... You guys were inseparable," as I put my pillow into a vise grip.
"I'd give everything to have him back," we continued, sitting in silence until we fell asleep. We both needed comfort. Today felt real. The one person who held everyone together was gone.