You know what hurts more than heartbreak? Farming artifacts for three days straight. Nonstop. No breaks. No breathing. Just domain. After domain. After domain.
AND THEY DIDN'T EVEN DROP THE RIGHT MAIN STAT MOST OF THE TIME.
For three whole days...
Three. Whole. Days.
We farmed.
Non-stop. Like some kind of sleep-deprived lunatic goblins. Like Timmie's birds were hiding the best stats in Teyvat and we were out for revenge.
Every. Domain. Run. Counted.
And I—Shigeru, the beautiful, the brave, the slightly unhinged and heavily dehydrated—finally allowed Lumine and Paimon to peek into the sacred realm...
My phone.
No, not the Sacred Nilou Folder—that one stays hidden for eternity, locked deeper than Enkanomiya's darkest pit. I swear, if Lumine ever finds it... I'm dead. Like actually dead. No second chances. Zhongli and Venti already saw it once and the secondhand embarrassment almost sent us all into early retirement. So yeah. That thing's sealed tighter than Inazuman borders during the Vision Hunt Decree.
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. IT'S CALLED BEING A DEVOTED FAN!
But the artifacts? Heck yeah. I showed them.
We gathered around like cavemen discovering fire, eyes locked on those precious little golden icons. My fingers trembled as I tapped the stats. And there it was—my build.
Lumine blinked. Paimon floated eerily silent. I could hear the universe sigh.
75.8% Crit Rate. 229% Crit Damage. 170% Energy Recharge. 200 Elemental Mastery.
I swear to Celestia, for someone with a single brain cell and a specialization in stupidity, this was the Abyssal King's Holy Grail.
Me, rocking an Emblem of Severed Fate set like a true idiot with taste. ER sands. EM Goblet. Crit Damage Circlet. I wanted an ATK goblet, I really did, but I remembered—my big numbers come from Elemental Skills, reactions, and shredding defenses like I'm peeling a potato.
"Dude... this is monstrous," I whisper, staring at the numbers like I just summoned Morax himself.
Then we looked at Lumine's build.
...
Lumine's build is a horror film.
Shimenawa set. Double ATK on Sands and Goblet. Crit Rate Circlet. 85% crit rate with 212.4% crit damage and a smooth 2.2K Attack.
I made the mistake of blinking.
When I opened my eyes again, I was staring at a being of pure terror. If Mondstadt Lumine was scary... and Liyue Lumine was terrifying...
Inazuma Lumine?
Nightmare fuel.
I turned to her. "You're a monster."
She didn't deny it.
Even Paimon teared up like a proud single mom. "Paimon's babies have grown so powerful... Paimon is so proud of you both... sniff..."
"I did it," I whispered. "We did it. We're ready! We can finally face her!"
Paimon clutched her chest. "Yeah..."
Lumine crossed her arms. "Who?"
I grinned. "Kokofish."
She instantly slapped me with her words. "Don't disrespect the Divine Priestess like that."
"What?!" I huffed. ""But—she has a fishtail, Lumine. You saw it. I saw it. Everyone saw it. It swishes!""
Lumine hissed. "That's part of her DRESS!!"
"Then she's wearing a FISH!"
Paimon: "Shigeru, stop talking. You're gonna die."
Fair. Very fair.
Anyway, we made our way to the dock.
Teppei was waiting, smiling like sunshine and world peace all wrapped in one cheerful package. "Aha, there you are! Good to see you again. Your appointment with Sangonomiya is fast approaching. We should get going. Are you ready?"
He paused for a bit as if he was thinking "Oh, right! If you start to feel seasick at any moment during the trip, let me know straight away. That said, you've spent time with the Crux Fleet in the past, so I think you'll probably be fine."
I squinted at him.
"Hey Teppei?" I said, voice deadpan.
He smiled wider. "Yes?"
"Can I punch you?"
He blinked. "Huh?"
Flashbacks hit me harder than Signora's fan to the face.
Crux Fleet. The boat ride. The vomit. So. Much. Vomit.
Even Beidou looked like she wanted to yeet me overboard.
I threw up into my own plastic bag. Then on a bush. Then on a dock. Then on a child. And THEN I waved at the Captain of the Crux like a dying jellyfish.
And now Teppei's asking if we're ready for a boat ride again?
I want to scream.
Lumine nudged me. "Don't. You'll end up killing him. Didn't you say you want to save him?"
"I do. I swear I do. I WILL. But right now? This exact second? I wanna slap his sunshine face off his sunshine skull."
Teppei, the walking cinnamon bun that he is, just beamed. "Ready?"
"Away we go!" he said.
And so I did what every sensible, emotionally stable, definitely-not-mentally-damaged warrior does before a boat ride.
As I stepped on the boat, I started praying to all the Archons.
To Zhongli, the Stone Daddy. To Venti, the Wine Uncle. To Nahida, my Smol Dendro Daughter. To Furina, the Drama Queen Supreme. To Mavuika, the Hot chaos goddess of probably something weird. To Tsaritsa, who I haven't even met but I feel like she's judging me.
And yes.
Even to Raiden Ei.
The Booba Sword Lady herself. Who I squared up with because I have the survival instincts of a cooked shrimp.
Bless my poor soul.
"Please," I whisper, clutching my bag like a lifeline. "Save me from this... watery hell."
Let's just say... the boat ride hasn't even started yet, and I already tasted my breakfast.
I see a bucket in the corner.
I nod to it with respect. "Soon, old friend. Soon."
***
It is a beautiful day. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. The ocean breeze is gentle.
And I, your beloved and stupidly handsome protagonist, am dying.
"UGHHHHHHHHH—WHY ME?!?!"
I hang over the edge of the boat like a sad, wet rag. My limbs are limp, my eyes are dull, and my soul is currently leaving my body in slow motion. My head is dunked into a bucket I've now named Carl. Yes. Carl the Bucket. He understands me.
This is it. This is how I go. Death by motion sickness. Archons, please remember me kindly. Tell Nilou I loved her. Actually—no, wait, delete my browser history first.
Lumine, Paimon, and Teppei are enjoying the breeze like normal, non-vomit-producing humans.
Traitors.
"I don't get it," I mumble in between heaves. "Why am I fine on a waverider but not this thing? Why does this boat feel like a blender on turbo mode?"
"Shigeru," Lumine says from across the deck, perfectly composed. "This is a normal boat. We're not even going fast."
"That's the problem! It's too slow! My body's expecting action! Speed! High-octane survival adrenaline! This feels like slow torture!"
Paimon pats my back with pity. "You poor thing... Do you want a fish cracker?"
I look at her with the face of a man betrayed by the sea.
"Paimon, if I even smell fish right now, I will throw you overboard."
And miraculously, I didn't die. Though I do contemplate death.
We arrive at Watatsumi Island, and I swear I kiss the ground the moment we land. Carl the Bucket is still in my hands. We've grown close. I'm keeping him.
Teppei, the sunshine boy, claps his hands.
"Here we are. The training grounds for Watatsumi Island's troops. Right now, the resistance is mostly made up of local soldiers. Some are out fighting in Tatarasuna, and some are stationed here to protect the island."
I raise my hand like a dying student asking for one last request.
"Do you guys have... graveyards here?"
Teppei blinks. "Huh? Why?"
"Please bury me. With Carl. We've become one."
Teppei tilted his head. "Wait... who's Carl?"
Wordlessly, I raised the bucket with all the grace and solemnity of a grieving widow presenting her late husband's ashes.
Carl sloshed.
Teppei took one look inside.
"...Is that vomit?"
"He's seen the worst of me and never judged. That's friendship, Teppei. That's love."
Carl makes a sad squelching noise.
Lumine sighs. "Don't mind him. He'll live. Probably."
Paimon floats around me like an overly concerned older sister. "Should we... give him CPR? Or hit him on the head until he resets?"
"Both." I croak. "Do both."
They ignored me -rude by the way- and Paimon asked a question, "Did you used to train here too, Teppei?"
Teppei chuckles but answers Paimon's earlier question. "Yup! I used to train here, too. Well... kinda. I got called to Tatarasuna before I could really impress the instructors, so I started with the logistics division. I'll be staying here for now. If you need me, come find me. If I'm not around, leave a note on the wall and I'll get back to you."
"You got it," I say, sitting upright like a reanimated corpse. "Also, you can totally stay here. We'll go meet the Divine Fish Princess ourselves."
"You're sure?"
I nod, and this time I'm serious. I brush Carl off my lap, stand up (wobble a bit), and face Teppei properly.
"Teppei, listen. I need to warn you. You and everyone else. Someday, something will come. Something that seems helpful. Like it's offering power. Elemental power, even. But it's not free."
He tilts his head, confused. "What do you mean?"
"I mean... a delusion. It's going to come. It'll give you strength but at a cost. And when it does—refuse it. No matter how strong it makes you. We don't need it to win. Because like I've always said..."
He grins wide and finishes my sentence.
"—It's not the power of Visions that we fight with... it's the heart of a warrior."
For a second, I actually tear up.
"Damn, you sunshine boy. You remembered."
Lumine and Paimon smile too, and for a second, it's all warm fuzzies and happy vibes.
Then I ruin it.
"Alright! Time to meet the Priestess of the Divine Fishdom!"
Teppei looks confused.
Lumine sighs. "He means Kokomi."
Paimon shrugs. "We've given up trying to fix him. We've even been influenced."
I puff my chest and point dramatically to the shrine up ahead.
"Onward! To meet the fish goddess! To walk the sacred kelp fields! To bathe in divine scales of judgment!"
"Please stop." Lumine drags me by the collar.
Paimon sighs like a tired mother. "Let's go before he starts naming sea cucumbers."
Carl, my beloved bucket, is left behind at the docks. I salute him.
Farewell, my woody friend. May the waves treat you kinder than they treated me.
And thus begins our march to Sangonomiya Shrine.
To the land of coral. To the throne of Kokofish.
May the Archons have mercy on my chaotic soul.
__________________________
End of Chapter 59
Quests Completed:
*Farm a godly Emblem and Shimenawa set.
*Travel to Watatsumi Island and meet Sangonomiya Kokomi.
*Form an emotional connection with a container for your guts.
*Realize that insane stats won't fix the sinking feeling in your gut.
*Convince Teppei to avoid taking the delusion.
Rewards:
*+Luck for 5 domain runs (expires after one angsty monologue).
*+20 Watatsumi Reputation ( Villagers now whisper about the "seasick demon with cracked stats.")
*"Carl" added as Friend: An emotional support bucket. Can absorb both vomit and feelings.
*+5 Lumine Suspicion (Lumine is 85% sure I'm a little too built to be "just a normal dude.")
*+15 Teppei Affection
* +10 Burden. (I've gained power... but at what cost?)
Achievements:
"Artifact Hell Veteran"
-Roll one piece with triple crit stats without actually dying inside.