SMOKED CUTLET
PREPARATION
A well-known business giant, St. Kraken Dv. Pen, 24 years of age. A man with refined facial features, lavender eyes with long lashes and 6'4" in height. In an old money authentic outfit, rough green blazer, faint-yellow shirt. He was driving at full speed on the highway.
Suddenly! His car started to wobble in its pathway like a snake. It's because he was also a scumbag, a good-for-nothing man. He was watching his favourite porn, live-streaming in his car.
He was focusing on his driving as he knew he could crash, but the voices of the actress in his ears fumbled him. Which later humbled him.
Because he crashed his car near a walking man, who might've called an ambulance or the police. But it was too late.
He died, well-deserved.
ong ago, when the emperor and magicians were ruling this world, the world split itself from this world line. Resulting in the modern age of Earth-138.
Whereas the emperor and essence of magic still rule on the planet Gaiga in a far-away star system.
This world is where fantasies are fulfilled, only power rules and everyone is surviving for themselves—for example.
A royal noblesse of Humbergia, was taking a bath in an open hot spring. Covered with banners and veils. She was with her noble friends and maids, her body was like that of a slithering snake but with nourished fruits hanging on it.
She held hands with one of her friends and their fruits humbled against each other.
She blushed, her cheeks, fruits and hips showed faint pinkness. Her interest in women was unbeatable, I guess.
As for her husband, who was forced to transfer his lifespan to his wife for her youthfulness, now was sitting near an old tree. He scratched his long beard and then muttered something utterly filleric and useless to the tree.
For god knows why.
Their children, inside the rooms. A son and a daughter. The sliding door was closed and there were guards outside to not let anyone in.
He helped her dress but it accidentally fell off!
"Oh my!" She pulled his clothing too and they both were in the most organic human-looking way now.
He sat on the silk of the bed. She sat in his lap and asked him.
"I haven't taken a bath in days, please rub my back. Lord brother..."
On her words, he started rubbing her back. The guards were delicately standing on the door, hearing such sweet moments of siblings, he was just doing it a little rough that she was letting out some moans. But that—wAs just an act of kindness.
Why didn't they use water? Who uses water nowadays? It's overrated!
The princess of this land had an interest in art and culture. In a long, flowing kimono-like gown, she sat delicately and picked up the peacock feather, dipped it in the ink and started to draw on her canvas. A tree in her yard that had a beautiful lush crown and wet, soil-coloured bark giving an earthly smell.
She started to draw it but suddenly, goosebumps rose on her skin. She looked back and felt the presence of a ninja.
She looked in front—and her canvas wasn't there.
Her heart ached at such an inhuman act. She looked back on her human instincts, her finger twitched. She licked her lips and looked back.
"Woah!" she exclaimed, as her canvas was right there. She looked left and right. Up and down. There was no one. She looked back just to double-check.
"Haah!?" she exclaimed, as her canvas was right there—but now isn't. It's stolen again. She hovered her hand over the stand to check if it was an illusion or not. She understood the assignment, that's what she thought.
She looked back, then in front. The canvas was there.
Wasn't there, was there, wasn't there, was there, wasn't, was, wasn't, was.
She was tired, and that's what she thought. The ninja must be tired too.
She did it again and again but this time, the canvas didn't move an inch. No matter how many times she tried, it didn't. Her nape was paining. So she thought someone was just making fun of her and got tired. She picked her peacock feather again, licked its tip. Her juicy, soft, deep pink tongue's saliva ran down the feather as some drops fell on her chest. She dipped it in ink again.
And started to draw the tree but... the tree was stolen now. Like from the roots to the tip—it wasn't there.
Enough out of topic! The main character, who died, reincarnated in the body of a man lying down naked over a cliff's edge at exactly nighttime, four mugs of beer around him, spilled all over, and some royal noble princesses were looking at his disgusted situation.
He regained his consciousness as he woke up, scratched his head. The voices were blurred and didn't reach him fully. He looked at his hands, then his naked body. Hairy legs and tanned knees. Some parts will get me cancelled, but he did see 'em.
"Why am I like this?" he muttered to himself, couldn't comprehend this unique situation he encountered.
"Pffft! Humhumhumhum! Pfpfpfpf!" He heard some laughs and looked straight. In the dark night, some eyes—neon-like glow—were staring at him and laughing. Blue, red, green, purple.
These were noble princesses cracking jokes like eggs and gourmetly cooking them on frying pans together.
Not his eggs—I meant metaphorically.
"Look at this pig, he looks like a drunk chimpanzee who's about to dance for some pennies to be slapped on his butt cheeks," she chuckled.
"Even my nipple is bigger than his little buddy!" she laughed menacingly.
He stood up with main character energy, gazing at the stars opposite to the princesses. His butt shining in moonlight.
A princess, in a red silk-woven gown with golden jewelry embedded on her bosom and right thigh area, walked towards him. Her gown lifted up from the ground by her hands. A snake slithered upward from inside her bosom clothing part, slowly curling around her neck.
"O mister. Be grateful that I have shown the respect to acknowledge you as a man and am coming myself to ask you a favor. This thought of mine is brewing inside my mind that my tongue couldn't resist but spill it.
Mr. Baby Banana Man, you are now appointed as my feet-worshipping servant. Be honored for this title."
She extended her arm towards him as the snake, with its white scales shining in dark and crimson intimidating eye, slithered over her hand towards him.
He looked towards them and said, "I'm Kraken. Not nice to meet you. Also..."
Kraken grabbed the nape of the snake and pulled it towards him.
The princess was shocked as, in the background, one spoke to another, "Hey, your chimpanzee joke wasn't that good, you should improve!"
Kraken held the snake's tail tightly and tied it like a knot. The snake struggled, so he threw it among the princesses in the back. The frowned princess moved forward and slapped him loudly.
"Ouch! Your beard hurts," she mocked while rubbing her hand.
He lifted his hand and—
BAM!
Slapped her face, then he ran towards the cliff and jumped off.
The princesses in the background laughed over this mockery and one said again,
"See! Your joke was so bad someone died."
To which the other princess replied,
"Oh my! I'm flustered. Because if he died, that means my joke was a KILLER-JOKE!"
Everyone gave her a deadly deadpan glare.
Scene shifts.
A merchant walked on the wooden floor. A pat came on his shoulder as he looked back. His mother, as tall as his neck, white hair, wrinkled face.
"Hahaha! My dear son, you are the most innocent person to ever exist. I wonder which lady will rule when you're married. Anyways, dear son, now you're grown up, so go sleep in your own room!"
He scratched his head and smiled, snickering.
He turned back as his mother walked away. His lips curved dangerously, eyebrows touching the skies. A demonic smile came on his face. He opened his room and closed it.
A woman came into view, her hands and legs tied with red silk as she hung in mid-air. Oil was dripping from her hair to her toes' tip.
Just a white veil covered her body, sticking too much, nearly revealing everything.
He walked near her, rubbing his hands, as he removed his robe and threw it away. The moment he touched the body of the woman, a surprising sentence came out instinctively.
"It's... a doll?"
The four walls of his room fell with a doom thud! His mother and the real maid, whom he had captured before, were standing outside, hands crossed, looking at him.
"Oh my dear innocent puppy," his mother chuckled.
"Motherfu—" The maid was about to swear, but his mother cut her words with,
"Hey, mind your words! I'm his mother! Say something else."
The not-so-innocent man shivered with anger and fear, but the guards were here, circled around him with spears.
Next day,
They all were in the imperial court, run by a saint-like man.
"Mother side! State your complaints!" he permitted.
"Judge! This man kidnapped our maid, tried to fulfill his lustful desires through her, and deceived me as an innocent child!"
The judge wrote it down on paper. The not-so-innocent man's hands were shaking.
"State your defense, Mr. Innocent Deceiver!" the judge ordered.
"Sire! Don't you think small mistakes happen sometimes?"
On these words, his mother yelled, but she was backed by the maid. But then the maid started to swear, so she was held back by the mother.
"And as a mother, it's her duty to guide her child, not imprison him to stop her child from inheriting her status and properties. My honor—!"
The judge glared at him.
"Ughm! I mean, your honor! She is deceiving the court and your time. Please get them both behind bars. I can't see my mother suffering in court like this!" He started dropping fake tears and rubbing his eyes.
Soon enough, the judgment was announced.
"THE JUSTICE IS... THE MOTHER AND MAID WILL BE IMPRISONED!"
Everyone was shocked, including myself. The maid and mother swore at the judge, which added more sentences to their imprisonment, and wealth was inherited by the Son.
An insider's information: the judge and the son used to go to the same sect for training. Hence, they were buddies from childhood. It's just that the judge looks old due to some disease. So, people thought he was a wise man. He wasn't.
He was a total breadhead.
Scene shifts again. Man, how many scenes we got?
(Keep doing it and we'll pay you overtime!)
A wine-with-pizza party!
(Done!)
Scene shifts to a shop—rather old, but some fish flags up high. A man with a tight and faded red bandana. Another man with a long mustache enters, twirling his mustache back in... in... pride, yeah, pride.
He asks the fishman, "Yo, man. How's everything going?"
The fishman glares at him with fisheyes and replies,
"Yeah, what do you want anyways?"
He showcases three fish and starts cutting them like salad, instantly packing them into a leather bag.
"How much?"
"20."
The buyer thinks for a second, scratching his mustache.
"See, your fish costs 20?"
"Mhmm."
"I give you 30 coins. Gimme that fishbag!"
A new sun rose today.
He handed over 30 coins and took the fish. As the mustache man starts leaving—
"Hey, here's your change," the fishman offers 10 coins.
"Now we're talking."
He interlocks his fingers, rests his ankles on the cashier's desk, and takes out a coin of 10.
"I buy your 30 coins with my 10."
The fishman looked confused as the buyer raised a palm.
"And give you 10 you owed from that fish already, because I gave you 10 already. Then you get a 5-coin and I take the 10 one because money should be equal. Then take this coin of 20 and I buy that coin of 5 and 10 from you. Now we're even."
From this fishery, the man was confused as if his wife cheated on him with an even uglier man—because that's impossible. Because he doesn't have a wife. Even I'm confused what the...
The mustache man walks into the forest, plucks out his long-ass mustaches, throws them on the ground, and starts laughing like a menace.
The shopkeeper sees he gained 16 coins—but something feels off…
The scammer starts hitting a tree in ecstasy because all the coins he used were fake and only worth a single coin each.
The shopkeeper rests his hand on his waist and starts laughing, which catches some public attention—but no one gives a shit.
Because all of his fishes were fake too. And realistically, he gained 1.6 real coins by basic calculation, which certainly I can't do.
The mustache man bites the fish, realizing the meat was as real as the fish itself. The fish starts wrestling in his hand, jumps, slaps his face like a hammer, and dives straight into the river.
The seller giggles, holding his mouth—because the coins were real too.
RUSTLE! RUSTLE!
The coins start slowly shaking in his hands and—BOOM!
His face turns darker than the night and even uglier than—nah, he looks the same.
Possibly 50 or so minutes later, near a small apartment sandwiched between two shopping giants of the Ghoul and Shark sect, two men—nearly the same in appearance but with a little difference—walk into the same house.
The seller and the buyer ring the bell hanging over their heads.
"Food is ready! On the table!" their mother yells, as they both remove their slippers—after that fishery—and sit at the table, facing each other.
Just the luck was on his side. If the fish hadn't slipped, I would've won.
Just luck. If he didn't have prep-time yesterday, I'd have been the winner.
If these two had some brain, this show would've been the winner.
SCAMMER:- 0
SELLER:- 0
NARRATOR:- 1
A bald man was standing nearly a mile away from the dumpling shop, as a pelican on his head opened its beak.
*I'm not sure if it'll work,* thought the baldy.
The pelican opened its mouth and inside that—A monk—what?
A monkey, forming circles like binocular glasses over his eyes, was spying on the dumpling chef. The pelican was moving and scratching its head because of the imbalance the monkey was making. Far there, a long tower touching the sky—two men in black uniforms, as spies, were eyeing the monkey.
"How will we even communicate with them?" said the man standing far from the edge.
"Don't talk, just watch and learn."
Watch and learn? What is he gonna do? Pull out a magical device to talk or—why are we even here to spy on a dumpling chef? I promised my wife to do the deed today with her but that damn emperor. I pray to God that he passes away.
Then something unrealistic happened, something beyond human thinking and imagination.
The monkey was looking directly at the man near the edge—Danzel.
Danzel moved his hand in a unique manner. So did the monkey. Soon, their hand movements became fast. Whaa..? Are they talking in sign language?
Pezo was surprised, confused, scared, and dumbfounded.
How can a monkey possess such powers? This is beyond mortal understanding. It needs to be studied, framed in the books of the 'Ghoul' sect.
A man standing amidst the fog, one of the highest peaks in the whole country.
Wooden sword tightly gripped in his hand. I came here from so far, I trained for thirteen years with nearly no rest.
*I sowed fields alone, I pulled large rocks blocking the flooding rivers. I swung this wooden sword more than a thousand times. This might be a wooden sword, but it's far better than any legendary sword. It has my emotions. When I was a child, I yearned for swords, so my parents made this from a tree for my birthday.
My mother worked so hard, just so I can become a warrior. My father gave up on his liquor addiction and trained me. My brother sent me books from the high-clan library without their permission. I've learnt countless sword techniques.
I can't lose now. I'll defeat this Spirit of holy dams and river. The lord of woods.
"I am ready," I declared my strike.
As the swordsman stood rigid, even the strongest winds couldn't move him a bit.
And against him stood the Spirit of river and lord of woods. The legend.
There were rumours that it looked like a rat, but big enough to devour a human. Its teeth could even block the flow of rivers. It had made pacts with every single animal—no one dared to attack him.
*A... Capybara!?!?
The main character—phew! Finally, some main character things now!
U... The main character, I guess—was falling from the cliff at a speed impeccable. That gorgeous scenery made my eyes pop out.
As he crushed his head falling on a stone, and his body was pierced by many concrete sharp peaks...
Then a message hovered in front of his unconscious presence:
[YOU DIED AGAIN, THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE. WAKE UP.]