It was a typical Tuesday. I thought my day was gonna be easy. I kept saying "It's gonna be the most boring day of the year. I'm gonna clock out on time today for once."
I jinxed myself worse than a man walking under a ladder while going through a divorce where he cheated his wife and had twins with another woman. Just as I approached the time clock, it happened. I saw a flash of orange behind me, and there it was. An office building on fire. Son of a bitch.
I try to leave after giving the fire department a call. But they say they've got a lead already. An employee has a picture of who he thinks did it. They sent me the picture. It looks like it's off facebook. It's an asian girl with black hair, green eyes. She's wearing their work uniform, blue shirt, white pants. She worked there as well. Or so it seems.
Suddenly I hear a growl from behind me. I turn and see Rudy, our favorite dog from the drug unit. And he's foaming at the mouth. Shit, he's got rabies. And behind him there's some weirdo in a lab coat.
"FUCK YOU PIGS! YOU'LL NEVER SOLVE MY MURDER MYSTERY!" Random Psycho yells with malefic glee.
Then he runs off. While I draw my pistol. Rudy charges at me, and I do a sick roundhouse kick. I kick Rudy into a wall, then I shoot Rudy like five times. He's dead within seconds. And then I chase after the Psychopath. I head outside, just in time to see him jump into a white van with a logo of a local vet on it. Shit, a vet has gone rogue. I know what must be done.
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Long ago, twenty years ago. This Psycho was a young man who used to love animals and love the law. He thought his life was incredible with how peaceful it was. Until one day there was an attack on his house. A gang threw a dog with rabies in his home. It was awful. They didn't know what to do until it was too late. He killed the dog with a knife.
After this, he got addicted to killing animals with rabies. It was an disgusting hobby that has landed him in prison many times. And to make matters worse. He has developed a habit of giving animals rabies, then unleashing them in buildings. Truly a despicable bastard.
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Suddenly a crazy man in a truck slams on their brakes and halts right beside me with a powerful screech. Then the driver steps out with a bazooka.
"Woah, what the fuck!?" I yell with confused urgency.
"SHUT UP AND LET IT HAPPEN! HE GAVE MY DOG RABIES!" Crazy Guy yells furiously.
Then he fires the bazooka, a burst of fire out the back. And a missile out the front that within seconds blows up the Psycho's van. I am so stunned, I'm not sure what to do now. And that Crazy Guy just drives off in the blink of an eye. At least it feels that way. … Fuck, I don't even know what to do now.
I pull out my radio, and I start telling the Chief what happened. He writes it down, and by the end he just says:
"Just go investigate where that girl could be. Ignore that crazy shit." Chief Beckums says annoyedly.
I sigh, light up a cigarette, take a swig of vodka from my flask, hit my weed vape, and get in my squad car. It's one of those days where we're just gonna suffer through it like a terrible detective down on his luck. One of those bastards that don't give a fuck.
I check my glovebox for my keys, and find inside a dried brown monkey's paw. How did aunt gram gram's monkey paw get in my car? I pull it out and stare nervously at it. Then as a joke, I say:
"I wish my real suspect would reveal themselves right now." I joke half-heartedly, half delusionally hopeful.
I watch the monkey's paw curl a finger close in shock. Then behind me, I hear liquid being poured on the ground. I turn and see the asian woman from the picture! And she's starting a fire in our fucking dumpster! And on the stairs to the second floor from the outside! Crazy bitch, fuck her and this monkey's paw.
I rush out the car, pulling out my pistol and yelling "FREEZE! POLICE!" She glares at me while holding a zippo lighter, and hurls it into the dumpster! The flame ignites and explodes into life. It quickly begins consuming the dumpster, and spread to the police department building! Shit, this is bad.
"I wish I could put out the fire of this dumpster!" I yell urgently.
Suddenly I sneeze, and a powerful cold wind blows over the area, putting out the flames. We both stand there shocked. Then I resume action, and charge the asian woman.
"TIME FOR JAIL, BITCH!" I yell angrily.
"You wish, pig! Check your phone!" Asian Woman says smugly.
She poses like a anime character while flipping me off. I check my phone, and see now the local mayor is being held hostage!? What the hell!?
"ALL UNITS TO MAIN STREET, THE MAYOR IS BEING HELD HOSTAGE BY HIS DRUG DEALER APPARENTLY! APPARENTLY THE MAYOR DOES COCAINE AND IS BROKE!" Operator yells with urgent panic.
I sigh angrily, and look back up. She's gotten in a car, and is driving out the parking lot as we speak. I already know what my third wish is.
"I wish the Mayor was saved within the next five seconds." I say seriously.
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Suddenly at the Mayor's house, a grenade is thrown inside. It explodes, and everyone dies except the Mayor. His drug dealer, his daughter, his dog, his wife, his work wife, and his secretary.
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"Oh my god, that man just stole my baby!" Old Lady cries miserably.
I turn and see a man on a motorcycle racing down the street, a baby dangling by his leg held out to the side. I know what must be done. I get in my squad car, and chase after them. I catch up quickly, and get the hood of my car beneath the baby. Then I shoot the criminal's arm, and he drops the baby on my hood. I quickly slam on the brakes, which is a bad move. The baby went flying off the car, over the edge of a bridge. I stare, slack jawed and shocked at my incompetency.
I thankfully have a fourth wish because monkey's paws have three fingers and a thumb.
"Please let that baby be safe. I wish the baby is perfectly safe." I say urgently.
Suddenly a man in a blue skinsuit and a red cape walks over the hill I'm in front of, baby in hand. Ah fuck, it's the Blue Savior. An actual superhero. He's well known for his lectures and freakouts about mistakes like this. And he looks so fucking angry right now. I start going in reverse, trying to get away.
In response, the Blue Savior uses superspeed to end up right beside me. Then he punches me in the face really hard, knocking me out in a single blow. I wake up twenty minutes later, very confused but alive.
Suddenly I see a massive hand of god descend from the heavens and pick up my car! I am flown through the air by this hand, and parked right outside a nice hotel. Then I see my favorite celebrity Steve Irwin in the seat beside me.
"That asian woman that is burning buildings down is in the building beside us. In room 203. Here's a warrant. Go arrest her. By the way, I'm God. Just deal with it." Steve Irwin says seriously.
Then before I can speak, Steve claps his hands, and I'm suddenly in front of a red door that says 203 on it. Holy fucking shit.
Before I'm done reacting to this, a man in a black suit appears to my left. He holds a letter out to me.
"You've been served. Your wife is getting a divorce." Random Suit Guy says seriously.
I am so shocked I punch him in the face. He glares but walks away. Meanwhile, I mutter angrily to myself.
"Great, not only am I getting divorced, I just did cop brutality. Ah well."
I knock angrily on door 203. Within seconds, the door is open. The Suspect is wearing a nice red dress and nice makeup. I hesitate on what to say. My simp side is rising.
"Hey, can we discuss why you shouldn't go to jail over a nice dinner?" I say nervously.
The Suspect smiles nervously, then slams the door shut in my face. I knock on it again.
"I'm calling the cops!" Suspect yells angrily.
"I am a cop. I was there when you tried to burn down the precinct!" I yell back annoyedly.
"Shut up, you're a pervert! I'm charging you with sexual harassment! I want a new cop!" Suspect yells angrily.
I curse angrily. Then I remember I have a warrant. I kick down her door! I rush inside, point the gun at her. She screams fearfully, and pulls out a knife from a kitchen drawer.
"DOWN ON THE GROUND, I GOT A WARRANT, I GOT A WARRANT!" I yell with angry seriousness.
"SO!? YOU'RE NOT REAL! YOU'RE A FAKE PIG!" Suspect yells furiously.
Suddenly a ray of light appears from the window! An angel descends from the heavens, and throws its halo at the criminal. It wraps around the criminal's arms, melting over it, until it connects at their wrists. And suddenly the halo transforms into a pair of handcuffs. While the halo reappears over their head. Hell fucking yeah.
I high five the angel, and he does it back! The criminal starts to cry, and yell at God angrily.
"HOW COULD THIS PERVERTED PIG HAVE THE POWER OF CHRIST ON HIS SIDDDEEEE!? THIS ISN'T FAIIIIRRRRRR!!!"
Suddenly two men in black suits and sunglasses appear. They pull out badges like cops, except it's the worst case scenario. They say C.I.A. Oh no.
"Give her to us, Jacob Deetz. She's our problem now. She stole information from the military." C.I.A. Agent Stan Griffin says seriously.
"Yeah, we'll take it from here. Go home, it's time for you to clock out anyway." C.I.A. Agent Brian Parsley says casually.
I smile and nod nervously. Then I take my leave. Cause this is bigger than me now. I'm a small fish in a crazy, toxic pond that is Locobroca, Florida. It's crazy, hectic, and magic is real apparently. All I know is it's my life. And I'll gladly take any help I can get. Especially when I need to clock out.
As I walk to my squad car, my arch nemesis Ronaldo Goldson drives up to me with my wife in his passenger seat. If I wasn't so exhausted. I would beat this man's ass right now for this.
"Heyy mannn. I'm fucking your wiffeee!" he singsongs happily.
… I pull my fist back, and he drives away laughing with my wife off to the distance. And I yell with furious rage:
"FUCK YOU RONALDDDDOOOOOOOO!"