As I stared into the lodged blade between the neck of the angel, I felt my mind crumbling. I didn't think about anything but my guilt. All the things I did wrong flashed through my mind. Seeing Matilda dying, letting Amy be depressed enough to drive herself to suicide showed my inability to help others.
"Am I useless?" I whispered to myself, making some of it out of my lips. Not expecting an answer. I look at the hole on the roof made by the blade. "What did I do?" I ask at the sky. "God, why are you punishing me?" I ask at the sky again.
After a moment with no response being heard, I kept thinking. "Why am I so useless? Should I just die? Why did I kill them... Why did I let them die... Why did I do all these things... I don't deserve to live" I say... Knowing that everything I did was wrong.
Minutes pass, staring at the lifeless body. I turn around and start walking to the humvee. Making the discovery that this is God's wrath. "How am I going to survive... How will I help Amy... I don't want any other innocent people to die... I need to take revenge... But... I... I don't know if I deserve to strive for revenge. This is all my fault... The people I let die were all my fault... Revenge would not benefit anyone... I-" my flow of thought is interrupted as I notice the dead body of a small child on the road.
He had bite marks and had his left leg missing. I recoil from the site, looking away from the horrific sight. I kept driving until I reached the house. I opened the door, the sun already starting to descend.
"Welcome back, I thought you were gonna be coming back later than usual today. What happened?" Amy asks.
"Nothing... Don't worry about it" I respond.
"Oh, alright" She responds. I remove my jacket and throw it at the coat hanger as I walk to my room. Entering my room, I lay down on my bed and stare at the ceiling. My eyes start to feel heavy, starting to close slowly. I started falling asleep but I opened my eyes. I was at the same place before. My feet in a familiar yet still unknown pool of water. It looked like it was cold yet I couldn't feel anything. My mind fuzzy and my eyes watery, I looked around and saw a ray of light.
I started walking over and there I saw myself, crucified on a cross.
"W-What is the meaning of this?" I ask myself.
"You did this to yourself. You knew your inability of helping people yet you still decided you would try to save Matilda, thinking you could help her from her fate. I remember everything. Like that one time you were in elementary school. That day... That day that won't be forgotten. The day a school shooter appeared. The day you decided you should run with one of your friends, the plan made all by yourself. The day you let your friend get shot and instead of helping him you ran. What did you think his family felt? Learning about his death. Grieving over the lost family member. What if that happened to your son? What if that happened to someone you loved? How would you feel? That day, you realized your curse. But your arrogance and naiveness made you think you changed. A human can't change. Only their mind can. But your mind couldn't adjust. And you knew that. But why didn't you do an-" his words are interrupted by me.
"SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU CAN'T BRING THAT INCIDENT UP. I WAS YOUNG AND I DIDN'T KNOW SHIT. SHUT UP. SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP" I scream at my crucified self.
"Screaming won't redeem yourself. The punishment that God has given to you is to have to live with the burden of having those memories. You aren't someone special. You are just a really, really fucked up individual." He responds.
I look at my hands and right back at him. I fall to my knees and look up at the red sky, my eyes flowing with tears. I go up to wipe them but instead of the only transparent color of tears on my hands, I could see a blood-like liquid on my hands.
"What the fuck?" I ask.
"From now on, your punishment shall be far greater. God is not one to forgive several times. Praying for forgiveness won't help you. You are too late. The only path to salvation is-" Before he could finish, I wake up, in my bed, sweaty and itchy all over the place. I look around to only see the familiar surroundings of my room. Wondering if my fate is sealed by God.
I stare at the ceiling, wondering about what my crucified self meant.