After saying goodnight to everyone, Hermione found herself lying awake in bed, thinking. Her curtains were drawn around the four-poster bed, but she could not find sleep. The common room had changed since she was there last. The castle had suffered considerable damage from the battle, and she was sure that was part of the reason for it. Now seventh year students had a separate dorm to themselves, with a secondary smaller common room and a shared hallway between boys and girls.
Hermione found that, while she loved that she and Ginny were sharing a dorm, there was a lack of a sense of familiarity. Ginny's two other roommates Hermione did not know at all. And while she had never been close to Lavender Brown or Parvati Patil, she still somehow missed them. Lavender perhaps the most, due to her untimely death at the hands of Fenrir Greyback. Hermione took some solace in the fact that Greyback was at least dead now.
A small tear slipped out of the corner of Hermione's eyes. She realized that even though she was in a room with three other people, it felt like she was alone in the world. Her friends were all nearby, Harry just a few floors and corridors away, Neville across the hall and Matt. Her newest friend. She realized when she started to think about the people who mattered most to her, one person was conspicuous by their absence on the list. Ron Weasley. She realized she had not thought of him at all until she realized he was no longer important to her.
Hermione let out a little sob. The dying embers of her relationship with Ron. She started to realize that all those years fighting with him had not been worth the effort. They were too different. He cared about things that mattered to him but if it mattered to her, he did not seem to be able to muster any caring at all. He was protective of her and Harry for sure, but he would turn that protectiveness against them.
She remembered how he criticized her during the Triwizard Tournament for going to the Yule Ball with Viktor Krum, how Harry had not been bothered but he was. Harry's opinion was the one that mattered to her then, and he was ok with her agreeing to accompany Krum. And there was the incident with Harry's Firebolt, she had not forgotten what that had felt like. It was the loneliest she had ever been.
Hermione sighed and was thankful that while she did feel lonely now, it was not as bad during her third year at the school. She decided to focus on the positives she did have. She had a good friendship with both Ginny and Luna. Neville was always a loyal companion. She was even starting to respect Malfoy. That last one was hardest for her to grasp. They had been so antagonistic to each other over the years. It was hard to believe that they were becoming friends now.
Then there was Matt. The mysterious American who seemed to be wise beyond his years. That sort of thing only came from experience, Hermione knew. He had to have seen and been through just as much stuff as she, Harry and even Ron had. Maybe more. She felt her stomach flutter when she thought about the boy just down the hall. Cassidy's words came back to her.
'He's damned noble and a rock, hardheaded as one too. He can be a total ass at times, but he's completely reliable and trustworthy. He's kind, compassionate, and funny. He's one of the good ones, you know?'
Hermione knew all those traits, the ones that Cassidy had told her and Harry about that day, were traits she herself valued. She found she valued them a lot. Her stomach fluttered again. Maybe there was something more there than she was letting herself believe. Her hand rested on her stomach. What would he think, though, if he learned about her condition, her inability to have children? Would that matter to Matt? Would he care or would he only care about her and what made her happy?
Hermione felt her heart leap when she thought about him caring for her. Of course, she knew he cared for her as a friend, but what if he cared for her as more than a friend? What if he was not just comforting her on the train because it was the right thing to do? What if he did it because he cared about her well-being and genuinely wanted her to be happy? Her heart was racing at the thought.
Hermione rolled over to her side. There were so many new questions she was asking and did not have the answers to, could not have the answers to, not her, anyway. The only person who had those answers was across the hall, sleeping. He was doing what she needed to be doing. Another thought crept into her mind, what if he had been sleeping next to her?
Hermione tried to push the idea out of her head, but it had gotten stuck as If it was a
Permanent Sticking Charm. Hermione screwed her eyes shut to try to banish the thought of Matt's body lying next to her, his arms wrapped around her, his hands touching her…
She gave a frustrated growl and got up out of bed, going over to the private bathroom attached to the girl's dorm. She quickly lit the candles in there and splashed water on her face to try and calm herself and center her mind. She needed to be logical. Her friends needed her to be logical. Except, while they had indeed needed her calm cool intellect on innumerable occasions in the past, they did not, now, did they?
The danger had passed, the threats extinguished. She had snuffed out more than a few herself. Harry was a teacher now; he would not have another mystery to solve. At least not one she would be needed to help solve. Hermione could focus on her studies and get through her exams and that would be that. No messy relationship stuff, no angst, just school. She sighed, as she walked out of the bathroom, the candles blowing out behind her.
The thought that it would be a normal school year was comforting but fleeting. She crawled back under her covers and immediately her thoughts returned to Matt. She could not get him out of her head. It had been so long since she was intimate with someone. While true, she had never been physical with anyone to that extent before, she missed hugging and kissing and cuddling with someone. With the right person though, she felt she could give herself to them.
Hermione sighed frustrated again, she rolled over to her side, knowing at that moment who she would like to give herself. Why though? She had to admit, ever since Ron showed his true colors by the fireplace in the Great Hall over the summer, she knew her flame for him had died. And Matt's gentle charm had wormed its way into her heart before she realized it.
She resigned herself to fate and knew that she would have to tell him she was developing feelings for him.
But she felt like she might be able to push it off for a while. Although, for how long she did not know, he had let it slip he wanted to go on a date with her. She had chosen to not call him out on it, but it still slipped out all the same. There was a possibility that he would reciprocate. That comforted her. Hermione wondered what a true, fully physical, and emotional relationship would be like. She had never had a truly healthy one before and she yearned for it.
Would Matt really be the answer to that yearning? Was she ready to open herself up like that to him? Hermione tried to let herself fall asleep, but she wanted a release from the twisting of her emotions. Her hands wandered lower on her own body, and she gasped at herself. What was she doing? Was she really touching herself to thoughts of Matt being next to her? She let out a soft moan and leaned into it, just one time would not hurt. A brief time later, Hermione did indeed feel more tired and released, somewhat, even if her questions still burned, sleep finally took her.
Matt lay awake for the first night in the dorm. He had said his goodnights and found sleep eluding him. It had been an emotional and trying day. His leg had not ached as much as he expected it would. That was a good sign. Another good sign was the fact he found the bed comfortable, but not comfortable enough.
'Well, well, ain't this a sorry sight?' Came a voice in the back of Matt's head.
'Hello Professor Franks.' Matt thought back.
'This is pathetic Wiz-Kid! You still ain't a Wizard and you're lyin', in bed, wrapped up in your own self-pity, not able to admit a damn thing.' Franks voice bounced around Matt's thoughts, and he shook his head in denial.
'Professor, why are you here, now?' Matt thought.
'I'm not. This is all in your head. Now what the hell could be troubling you this bad, that after a day like today, you can't sleep to save your life, hmm?' Franks voice spoke.
'I don't know, boss.' Matt's voice in his own head sounded forlorn as he felt. 'Guess the loneliness is getting to me.'
'And whose fault is that? You split with Cassidy. You made that bed and now you're lyin' in it. Can't sleep? Well, it sucks to be you, don't it?' Franks voice shot back.
'What if I didn't? Or at least, what if I wasn't the only one who made the same bed and neither of us had to sleep alone?' Matt thought to himself.
'Ah ha! Now we're getting' somewhere. You know that's the case. The facts fit, don't they?
You don't have to be alone, she could be with you, right now.' Franks voice was full of conviction.
'Yeah…but why would she? She just got out of a relationship literally today.'
'That's a lie!' Franks voice shouted in his own mind. 'She's been out of that relationship longer than a few hours and you know it.'
'But what if she wouldn't want to move on so quickly…what if…' Matt's own voice was full of doubt.
'Aw shut the hell up and listen to yourself. What if she doesn't like me? What if she thinks I'm stupid? Wiz-Kid, what if the sky falls in? What're you gonna do then?'
'So, you're saying I'm being dumb?'
'Hell yes! You are. Stop fighting yourself. You know how you feel. You liked her like that from the moment you laid eyes on her. You were disappointed when you found out she was taken. Now she's not and you're gonna let that go? I thought you were smart. All them books ain't doin' you no favors, Wiz-Kid.'
Matt let out a deep sigh. He was staring at the ceiling of the bed and realized he had been laser locked on it for some time. Sometimes having a conversation with yourself using someone else's voice was oddly therapeutic. Professor Franks voice was right though.
Matt knew he liked Hermione a lot. And it was becoming more evident that he liked her more than just as a friend. He wanted to deny it, to make it less awkward, but he knew it was true. He could try not to admit it, but he also knew doing that would only lead to more sleepless nights.
Part of him nearly got up out of bed and went down the hall to knock on her door. Tell her right then and there he was developing feelings towards her. Would it make a difference? He could not be sure. He knew that it would eventually come up though. They would be visiting Hogsmeade together soon and it would feel like a date and then it might turn into an actual date.
Matt shook his head vigorously. No, he was fantasizing. There were better things to fantasize about than going on a date with his friend. He rolled over onto his side. Matt squeezed his eyes shut as he tried to push the impure thoughts out of his head. But there they were.
He wanted her by his side, he wanted her to be sleeping next to him. Their bodies intertwined, touching each other. Matt pushed himself out of bed and went to the bathroom attached to the men's dorm. He flicked his wrist at the candles burned to life. It was the one bit of wandless magic at which he was talented. He splashed icy water on his face to snap him back to reality.
He cupped some water in his hand to drink as well, knowing the cooling sensation would help him fall asleep. He had come dangerously close to losing his self-control in fantasy. Matt knew he wanted to make Hermione happy. In so many ways. He took a deep breath. He also knew she meant so much to him that he only wanted to see her happy. If that meant she was with someone else, so be it. He knew he could handle that sacrifice if meant she was happy. Matt crawled back to bed and breathed deeper still to relax himself under the covers.
'Oh, looks like someone's finally made some decisions.' Franks voice echoed in his head again.
'Yeah…you are right. I do like her like that. I do want her. I do need to tell her at some point. Just not tonight. And I want her to be happy. No matter what that entails. Me or someone else.' Matt thought back. It was like he had a ghost in his head without having a ghost in his head.
'Good answer Wiz-Kid. You'll make a decent Wizard, some day.' Franks voice was full of pride this time as it faded out of Matt's thoughts.
"Yeah, I think I'd make a decent Wizard." Matt said aloud as he rolled over to his side and sleep finally overtook him.