Chapter One
Watch closely. This man is called Mr. Handsome.
He just had dinner with Miss Beauty, and the next second, he's holding hands with Little Beauty, smiling at Curly-Haired Sister on his phone.
Suddenly, his phone lights up. Mr. Handsome nonchalantly opens a message from someone saved as "Mopey Biao."
Mopey Biao first sends a series of message screenshots:
Mopey Biao: Who are you?
I'm your girlfriend's bestie: Mom said giving a long name would attract fools to read it aloud.
Please, I beg you: Mom said giving a long name would attract fools to read it aloud.
Stop playing with my bestie's feelings: Mom said giving a long name would attract fools to read it aloud.
I'm analyzing all your messages: Mom said giving a long name would attract fools to read it aloud.
My CPU is about to overheat: Mom said giving a long name would attract fools to read it aloud.
Stop making things hard for our strategist, okay?: Mom said giving a long name would attract fools to read it aloud.
Mopey Biao: Personal contact card (Mr. Handsome)
Mopey Biao: This is our strategist representative. You two can chat.
Mr. Handsome privately messages Mopey Biao: "You really cracked me up." Then he finds the friend request from the other side, named "Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love."
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Hello.
Mr. Handsome: Hello.
Wanna date?
Mr. Handsome: Sure.
Where are we going this weekend?
Mr. Handsome: The zoo.
What's there to see?
Mr. Handsome: Swans.
So you're a toad then.
Mr. Handsome: Then you're the white swan.
Nice to meet you (^🙏^), I'm the MVP of the mid-lane and the top-tier heartbreaker of the Northwest!
Mr. Handsome: Nice to meet you (^🙏^), I'm the MVP jungler and the most affectionate guy in East China!
Quite the boast.
Mr. Handsome: Not at all, I brush my teeth every morning and night.
Mr. Handsome: I've taught hundreds, if not thousands, of guys.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Hundreds or thousands?
Mr. Handsome: My disciples have disciples.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Want to spar?
Mr. Handsome: Silly, why say such silly things?
Mr. Handsome: There's no need for competition between us.
Mr. Handsome: Competing with my baby is meaningless.
Mr. Handsome: Whatever my baby says goes.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Sorry, brother, I'm still too immature.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: I want to buy you a pair of sneakers to apologize.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Can you lend me some money?
Mr. Handsome: Silly, how could I be mad at you?
Mr. Handsome: Forget the sneakers, I have plenty.
Mr. Handsome: But recently, I'm a bit tight on cash. Can you lend me some money?
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Of course, between us, there's no need to talk about lending.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Brother, wait a moment, I'll call my butler.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Ask him to bring the property deed of my apartment in downtown New York.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: After all, your matters are my matters.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: But brother, I don't have data now and can't make the call. Can you top up my phone credit first?
Mr. Handsome: Of course, topping up now.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: I didn't receive it.
Mr. Handsome: Maybe I was thinking too much about you and sent it to the wrong number.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: We're two of a kind.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Let's go again.
Mr. Handsome: Baby, if I were gravely ill and needed a rare herb from a cliff to save me, would you go pick it for me?
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: I would. Would you let me?
Mr. Handsome: I wouldn't. Would you sneak off?
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: I would sneak off. Would you worry and stay by my side constantly?
Mr. Handsome: I would always be by your side. Would you find a way to distract me?
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: If I found a reason to distract you, would you pretend not to notice?
Mr. Handsome: Forget it, let's break up.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Breaking up to not burden me?
Mr. Handsome: Alright, alright, let's play this game.
Mr. Handsome: Just ask yourself, do you accept defeat?
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Let's play something else.
Mr. Handsome: Play what?
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: My feelings.
Mr. Handsome: If I play with your feelings, what do I get?
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: I'll try to get you a 10-month maternity leave.
Mr. Handsome: You're joking, right?
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: No, I'm serious.
Mr. Handsome: Let's try it.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: I just said it casually.
Mr. Handsome: You didn't take it seriously, did you?
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: I just heard it casually. Who took it seriously?
Mr. Handsome: Goodbye.
Wise Ones Don't Fall in Love: Goodbye.
A truly exhilarating sparring match! A battle of equals, masters clashing, every move lethal, every word piercing the heart.
(Note: The chat log references several TikTok videos from last year.)
第一章
注意看,这个男人名叫小帅,他刚刚和大美一起吃饭,下一秒就牵起小美的手,对着手机里的卷毛姐笑.
突然手机亮起,小帅漫不经心地点开备注丧彪的消息.
丧彪先是发出以下的消息截图:
丧彪:你是?
我是你女朋友的闺蜜:妈妈说名字取太长会有傻子跟着念
求求你了:妈妈说名字取太长会有傻子跟着念
别再玩弄我闺蜜的感情了:妈妈说名字取太长会有傻子跟着念
你发的消息都是我在分析:妈妈说名字取太长会有傻子跟着念
我现在CPU要干烧了:妈妈说名字取太长会有傻子跟着念
别再为难军师了行不?:妈妈说名字取太长会有傻子跟着念
丧彪:个人名片（小帅）
丧彪:这是我方军师代表,你们聊
小帅给丧彪私信:给爷整笑了.然后找到对面发过来的好友申请,智者不入爱河.
你好:智者不入爱河
小帅:你好
处吗?:智者不入爱河
小帅:处
周末去哪玩呀?:智者不入爱河
小帅:动物园
这能看什么?:智者不入爱河
小帅:看天鹅
那你是癞蛤蟆呗:智者不入爱河
小帅:那你就是白天鹅
幸会幸会（^🙏^）在下中路MVP西北顶配渣女!:智者不入爱河
小帅:幸会幸会（^🙏^）在下打野MVP华东第一深情!
口气不小啊:智者不入爱河
小帅:不敢不敢毕竟每天早晚都刷牙
小帅:我教会的男的没有上千也有几百
上千几百?:智者不入爱河
我教会的徒弟都带徒弟了:智者不入爱河
切磋一下?:智者不入爱河
小帅:傻瓜说什么傻话呢?
小帅:我们之间有什么好较量的
小帅:和我的宝宝争输赢没有意义
小帅:宝贝说什么就是什么
对不起哥哥,还是我太幼稚了:智者不入爱河
我想买双球鞋给你道歉:智者不入爱河
你能借我一点吗?:智者不入爱河
小帅:傻瓜,我怎么会生你的气呢?
小帅:球鞋就算了,我有点多了
小帅:不过哥哥最近手头紧,你能借哥哥点钱吗?
当然可以,咱俩之间说什么借不借啊:智者不入爱河
哥哥你等一会,我给我管家打个电话:智者不入爱河
让他把我纽约市区的房产证拿来:智者不入爱河
毕竟哥哥的事情就是我的事情:智者不入爱河
不过哥哥,我现在没流量了打不过去,你能先给我充点话费嘛:智者不入爱河
小帅:当然可以,充了
我怎么没收到啊:智者不入爱河
小帅:那可能是我刚才满脑子想着你,充错了吧
半斤八两,咱两彼此彼此吧:智者不入爱河
再来:智者不入爱河
小帅:宝宝,如果我得了重病,需要悬崖上的灵草才能救我,你会为了我去采吗?
我会去的,你会让我去吗?:智者不入爱河
小帅:我不让你去,你会偷偷去吗?
我会偷偷去,你会担心的无时无刻守着我吗?:智者不入爱河
小帅:我会一直守着你,那你会想办法支开我吗?
如果我找理由把你支开,你会装作看不出来吗?:智者不入爱河
小帅:算了,分手吧
分手是为了不拖累我吗?:智者不入爱河
小帅:好好好,这么玩
就问你服不服吧:智者不入爱河
小帅:玩点别的
玩什么?:智者不入爱河
小帅:我的感情
玩你的感情我能得到什么:智者不入爱河
小帅:我争取一下,让你得到10个月产假
你开玩笑的吧:智者不入爱河
小帅:没有我认真的
试试吧:智者不入爱河
小帅:我就这么随口一说
小帅:你不会当真了吧
我就那么一听,谁当真了?:智者不入爱河
小帅:再会
再会:智者不入爱河
真是酣畅淋漓的切磋啊!棋逢对手,高手对决,招招致命,句句诛心.
（注:聊天记录参考了抖音去年的几个视频）