The years that followed were much like my first year of high school. I spent a lot of time with Azusa, strengthening and deepening our already intimate bond of friendship.
I had my 18th birthday just before graduation. Birthdays have never been celebrated in my life. The children I grew up with in the children's home, along with the adults who cared for me, never bothered to acknowledge it.
I was used to not even remembering it was my birthday, when it was my birthday. It felt like any other normal day. Like any other day of the year, I suppose.
At school, Azusa greeted me cheerfully. "Good morning, Chisa-chan!"
"Good morning," I returned. "Why are you smiling at me like that?"
"Well... isn't it a special day today?"
"Really?" I asked, surprised. "I was pretty sure it isn't National Foundation Day today..."
"It isn't..."
"Then, is it the Empress's birthday?"
"What? No..." Azusa's voice dropped slightly, sounding let down.
"Is it Umi Day? The day we honor the birthday of Empress Umi?"
"Ah, NO!" Azusa sighed in defeat. "It's YOUR birthday, Chisa-chan! Today is YOUR day! This is the second time we've gone through this!"
"I'll never get used to someone remembering my birthday... let alone celebrating it..."
"Well, I'll never stop doing this!"
"Right," I said with a faint smile.
"Happy birthday, Chisa-chan!" Azusa beamed.
She had decorated my school locker and desk with balloons, streamers, and handwritten notes, where she called me the prettiest girl she knew, the best friend she had, and said my golden eyes were like two shining suns that provided her warmth and light...
"You get more elaborate with the way you celebrate my birthday each year," I chuckled.
"And... do you like it?"
"Very much so," I said, smiling faintly. "Thank you. Though I feel bad... I never celebrate your birthday in such a light."
"That's because you suck at being affectionate!" she said smugly. "And I know that, and I accept that side of you. So don't worry. It doesn't bother me at all that you don't celebrate my birthday the same way I celebrate yours!"
"Azusa-san... if you point it out so explicitly, I start to feel bad..."
After school, Azusa invited me to karaoke. We hadn't been in months, so I initially thought it was just because we hadn't gone in a while. But then I remembered it was my birthday, so of course, that was why.
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CHISA-CHAN!" Azusa exclaimed as I entered the karaoke room, which was fully decorated.
Azusa sang me a birthday song. It was beautiful—perfectly on pitch and filled with warmth. She then sang it again in Dutch, and, well, let's just say it didn't sound as pleasing to my ears...
"And you want me to learn that language?"
"Yes, yes I do! What about it?!"
We went to a dessert spot afterward. Azusa gave me accessories, makeup, and cute stationery as gifts.
"Thank you for the gifts, for wishing me a happy birthday, for singing for me, and for decorating my locker and desk at school," I smiled warmly.
"It's what friends do for each other!" Azusa smiled back, "and I love you. I'm so happy I met you and that we became the best of friends."
"I... I love you too..." I said, which surprised Azusa. I wasn't one to openly share my feelings. "And I'm also happy you entered my life and became my one and only friend. You've done nice things for me that no one has ever done before. You're truly the best thing in my life, and I have no idea how I can ever return the kindness. I'm sorry, Azusa-chan, but I don't think I'll ever be able to compensate for all of this."
"I didn't ask you to compensate for anything... you dummy..." She smiled, her eyes welling with tears.
When our desserts arrived, Azusa wanted to take selfies. "Let's take selfies with our desserts!"
"You always want to take pictures," I sighed.
"It's to create memories!"
"And to feed your hungry fans on social media..."
"No! I promise, this one will not be posted on social media!"
"Right..." I said, half-sarcastically.
Azusa closed the distance between us and posed for the selfie. "3... 2... 1... Happy birthday!" she smiled, and I smiled back, looking at her.
We finished our desserts, and then Azusa had something to say. "I have something important to announce to you, Chisa-chan..."
"Which is?"
"The moment has finally come, Chisa-chan! It's time to go to the land below sea level." She smiled. "As I told you I'd do years ago, I'm moving to the Netherlands. And I'm leaving tonight."
That took me by surprise. I didn't know she would leave so soon.
"Couldn't you have told me before?" I said.
Azusa smiled at seeing that I cared about being notified earlier. "I didn't want to spoil your birthday, so I waited for the last moment of the evening."
"How could you spoil my birthday when I don't even care about it? You dummy..." I said with a faint smile, causing her to chuckle.
"And you said you were going to join me in moving to the Netherlands, remember?"
"I did," I answered. "But did you get a studio already?"
"N-no... The housing market in the Netherlands is very... difficult right now..." She chuckled. "So I'll live at my mother's place for the time being."
"What about first getting that studio before inviting me to join you, huh?"
"You're right... sorry!" She laughed. "I might have been overly confident!"
"Might have been overly confident?"
"There's an alternative method, though... To get free housing. It's kind of like a scholarship."
"Huh?"
"The Dutch government is building a high-tech new school in the city of Utrecht, called the Utrecht Metropolitan Self-Development School," Azusa explained, showing me concept images of the school on her phone. "It's a utopian school! Just look at the pictures! A self-sustaining campus with dormitories, shopping centers, and more! They even have karaoke! The school has cutting-edge facilities, from advanced laboratories to recreational areas!"
"And so you want to enroll in that school and live in the dormitories there?"
"Yes! It's totally free!"
"Uhm... Are you sure?" I was skeptical. "This all sounds too good to be true. There must be a catch."
"There doesn't seem to be one."
"Anyway, I'll apply to that school," I said, making Azusa really happy. "But I can only move to the Netherlands once they accept my application. Unlike you, I don't have relatives there I can stay with temporarily. So I can only pack my bags and come to you once they accept my application, alright?"
"Okay~!" She smiled. "Sounds good to me! I'm sure they'll allow you to enroll in the school!"
"Let's hope so..."
Azusa left for the Netherlands, and little did I know that her departure would lead to the girls in my children's home plotting against me.
Because Azusa wasn't there anymore to do damage control, the girls from my children's home leaked the fact that I lived in a children's home to the public.
It went viral... 'Azusa-chan's Hāfu black friend lives in a children's home.'
The authors spread ridiculous rumors about my background, claiming I was abandoned because my hypothetical Japanese mother couldn't bear the shame of raising a Black child on her own, while my hypothetical American father was a deadbeat. They even said she left me at a baby hatch.
I know that rumor couldn't be further from the truth. The names I carry prove that my parents wanted me, at least to some extent. But the rest of Japan didn't know any of that.
I felt overwhelmed... from the stares I got outside, the fingers pointed at me... and all of this on my 18th birthday. It really sucked.
I felt like my life was over. My world was collapsing.
Azusa kept calling me from the Netherlands, but I couldn't bring myself to answer. I felt so violated that I feared social contact—afraid of facing more discrimination like in my past.
All my suicidal thoughts and tendencies resurfaced, pushing me to the edge. I couldn't take it anymore. My secret had been exposed to the entire world.
People online were so cruel. They said I didn't deserve to be Azusa's friend, that I was at the bottom of the social hierarchy, and that I tarnished her reputation by being associated with her.
I decided to end my life. The pain was unbearable.
I climbed to the top of a building and sent Azusa one last text message, as I was staring at the selfie we made last night:
Farewell.
I didn't want to do this... I didn't want to die... but living like this didn't feel like life either.
I thought I'd be doing the world a service by removing myself from it.
Just as my parents abandoned me, I would abandon myself.
If there's a God out there... I hope He'll welcome me with open arms.
But I'm pretty sure this isn't something He'd deem acceptable.
I closed my eyes, sat on the edge of the building, and allowed myself to fall...
...as tears fell down my cheeks.