She misses me, but I don't miss her. Not anymore; in fact I think I'm rather happy that she isn't here. I used to crave her company all the time, but now I am reveling in the fact that she is not around, even if she is sick. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad that she's sick and I really hope that she gets better, but I feel like I can walk around and do my own thing without the worry of being called away to do something else, or the obligation to go somewhere with her. That's bad, isn't it? I should want to be with her, to be there with her and experience love together.
I had made a list, when we first started dating, of what love is. I wrote things like, "Love is letting them continue to lean on you, even when it starts to hurt" or "Love is letting them stay longer than you thought they would, even though you want to be alone" but those just aren't true anymore. Not for me, at least. I don't know if I could exist with her like I used to, and part of me wonders if this space we have right now because she's sick is leading me to these conclusions. I didn't realize how embedded in my life she was until she wasn't, and I'm so much happier now. That's terrible to say, but I am. She's gone–I'm alone–I'm happy.
I didn't realize how much of my life she had taken up until she no longer took up that space. It was like she was everywhere, all the time, and that's what she wanted, not me. She wanted to be around me all the time, and it was exhausting. I was so tired, so sick of being around other people, even her, and even when we weren't together, she was texting and calling and taking up so much of my space. She still does, but not as much anymore and it's been so nice, not having to keep up. I didn't have to, did I? I should have been able to tell her that I wanted to be left alone, but I thought that I would hurt her because I would be "leaving" and as I've said, that's a problem for her.
I thought she was everything I wanted, but I should have known better. She was too good to be true, and I paid the price for thinking that she was the one for me. The things I used to love about her are the things I'm beginning to dread. Her abundance of love makes me feel as though there's no room for my hate; her need to be around me all the time is suffocating; her interests are boring; her family is everything and mine isn't. I thought I knew what I wanted, I thought I knew what she was like and what I could do to appreciate her, but I was wrong. I was so utterly and completely wrong and I am paying the continual price for it. I'm treading water and I'm not sure how much longer I can do it. I'm tired of talking to her, of being around her, of being with her, of being there for her, I'm just tired of it all. I want to remove myself completely from her.