The Stormterror's Lair ruins loomed in the darkness, their crumbling stone towers casting jagged shadows across the canyon where Xander and his companions had set up camp. The night air was cool and heavy, carrying the faint scent of moss and the acrid tang of dark magic that lingered like a storm cloud. The campfire crackled at the center of their makeshift encampment, its flames casting a warm glow that pushed back the shadows, illuminating the sleeping bags laid out on the rocky ground. The scent of burning wood mingled with the lingering aroma of the Meidesike set meal—fried chicken burgers and soda—that Xander had shared with the group earlier, a rare treat in Teyvat that had left Paimon particularly satisfied, her tiny belly full as she floated lazily near Ying.
Jean sat on a rock near the fire, her blue cape draped over her shoulders, her Anemo Vision glowing faintly at her waist. Her blonde hair, still pulled back in a tight ponytail, caught the firelight, a few strands escaping to frame her tired face. She was reviewing a map of the ruins, her brow furrowed in concentration as she planned their approach for the morning. Eula sat on her sleeping bag, her silver-blue hair shimmering like frost, her Cryo Vision glowing at her hip. She was polishing her claymore, the Song of Broken Pines, its blade reflecting the firelight with a cold, icy sheen. Ying sat cross-legged on her sleeping bag, her golden eyes warm with the fire's glow, her blonde hair shimmering as she sharpened her sword, her movements precise and focused. Paimon hovered beside her, her starry cape fluttering as she hummed a little tune, her earlier complaints about hunger forgotten.
Xander leaned against a rock, the Shadowfang Blade resting beside him, its dark steel glinting in the firelight. The Power Blade, a spectral greatsword he'd recently acquired, had proven its worth in the canyon earlier, its raw strength a perfect complement to the Shadowfang Blade's precision. He was content, the day's battles behind them, and the promise of a new second creation video adding a spark of excitement to the night. The Teyvat Second Creation broadcast room had become a nightly ritual for the continent's denizens, a source of entertainment and chaos that Xander secretly orchestrated, his role as the mastermind hidden from all but himself.
As if on cue, the virtual screen of the broadcast room flickered to life above the campfire, its ethereal glow casting a soft blue light across the camp. The familiar announcement echoed through the air: "The live broadcast room of Teyvat Second Creation is open! Dear viewers and friends, today is the evening slot again!"
Eula looked up from her claymore, her icy blue eyes glinting with curiosity. "I was just talking about the second creation broadcast, and here it is," she said, her tone a mix of amusement and resignation. "It's been starting at night lately."
Xander grinned, stretching his arms as he settled in to watch. "Perfect timing—I just had dinner, so I'm ready for some entertainment," he said, his tone casual but his mind already racing with anticipation. He knew who the protagonist of tonight's video would be—he'd chosen her himself, after all.
The chat exploded with reactions as the audience tuned in, their comments flooding the virtual screen in a torrent of excitement and apprehension.
Yoimiya: "I'm so looking forward to this! Who's the protagonist tonight? Please, not me!"
Taroumaru: "Woof woof…"
Shadow Wolf Maru: "I agree—I don't want to be hit twice either."
Thoma: "Wait, what?! Taroumaru can talk in the broadcast room now?!"
Taroumaru: "Woof woof…"
Kamisato Ayaka: "Um… Taroumaru, what's it saying?"
Shadow Wolf Maru: "It said, 'Don't underestimate a dog—I can blow Thoma's head off when I'm angry.'"
Thoma: "Uh… I'm sorry, I was wrong!"
Hu Tao: "Ad, ad, ad! I want an ad for the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor!"
Yanfei: "Hu Tao, I don't think advertising will help your business—this is an industry limitation. You should calm down."
Qiqi: "Qiqi… hates… Hu Tao."
The banter continued, a mix of humor and chaos that set the tone for the broadcast. Then, the title of the video appeared on the screen in bold, glowing letters: "The General Who Can't Cook."
A collective gasp rippled through the chat, the reactions from Inazuma's residents particularly intense.
Yoimiya: "This General… does it mean…?"
Shikanoin Heizou: "Hello?! This joke isn't funny!"
Yae Miko: "If it's my old friend, she really can't cook."
Kujou Sara: "Impossible! It can't be the General—absolutely impossible! The General is omnipotent; how could she not know how to cook?!"
Kamisato Ayaka: "Even the General is being featured in a second creation? She's a god…"
Ningguang: "Judging by Inazuma's reactions, it seems likely it's their General."
Keqing: "Looks like there's a high probability."
Jean: "No way… even the gods?"
Venti: "Things are about to get interesting, hehe."
True Lord Liuyun Borrowing the Wind: "I've heard Inazuma's god has a bad temper."
Arataki Itto: "Can't cook? That's not even as good as me—my cooking skills aren't bad!"
Kuki Shinobu: "@Arataki Itto, Boss, do you really not know how to spell 'death'?"
The screen transitioned to the video, and the audience's fears were confirmed. A beautiful woman appeared, her Inazuma-style blue dress shimmering in the light, her long braid swaying as she stood in front of a stove with a comically confused expression. It was none other than General Raiden—Ei, the Electro Archon, known to her people as the Raiden Shogun. Her violet eyes, usually sharp with authority, were wide with uncertainty as she stared at the ingredients before her: a fish, a bag of rice, and a pile of lavender melons, all laid out on a wooden counter in what appeared to be a modest Inazuma kitchen.
The chat erupted in a mix of shock, disbelief, and amusement.
Kujou Sara: "The General?! No, this can't be!"
Kamisato Ayaka: "It really is the General…"
Yoimiya: "Am I dreaming? I must not be awake right now!"
Sayu: "It's definitely a dream—Sayu fell asleep hours ago."
Yae Miko: "Hahaha, it really is my old friend!"
Ei: "…"
Raiden Shogun: "This is merely a false image—it will not affect eternity."
Kamisato Ayato: "As the General says, it's just a fictional image—all fake."
Hu Tao: "@Zhongli, how do you feel now? Are you scared?"
Zhongli: "Ahem… the hall master jests. I am merely a guest at the parlor."
Venti: "Right, no need to worry… no need…"
The reactions from Zhongli and Venti were particularly telling, their attempts at nonchalance betrayed by the nervous undertones in their words. The second creation videos had now targeted a god, proving that even the Seven Archons were not immune to its chaos. For Zhongli and Venti, who had both gone to great lengths to conceal their divine identities—Zhongli as a humble consultant in Liyue, Venti as a carefree bard in Mondstadt—the broadcast was a stark reminder of their vulnerability. If Ei's true nature as the Electro Archon was being exposed in such a humiliating way, their own secrets could be next.
In the video, Ei stood in the kitchen, her expression a mix of determination and utter bewilderment. The setting was a quaint Inazuma home, its wooden walls adorned with paper screens painted with cherry blossoms, the air filled with the faint scent of incense. A small window let in the morning light, illuminating the counter where Ei stood, her hands hovering uncertainly over the ingredients. She wore a simplified version of her usual attire, her blue dress lacking the ornate armor of the Raiden Shogun, a sign that this was Ei in her more personal form—the shadow within the Pure Land, not the puppet that ruled Inazuma.
The door to the kitchen burst open, and Xiangling, Liyue's famous chef, bounded in with her usual boundless energy. Her blue hair bounced in its twin tails, her Pyro Vision glowing at her waist, her red and gold outfit a vibrant contrast to Ei's muted tones. Guoba, her tiny bear companion, toddled in behind her, his round eyes blinking curiously as he sniffed the air. "General Ei! I heard you wanted to learn how to cook—Xiangling's here to help!" she exclaimed, her voice bright with enthusiasm.
Ei turned to her, her violet eyes narrowing slightly. "I… require no assistance," she said, her tone stiff with pride. "I am the Electro Archon—eternity itself. A task as simple as cooking should be within my capabilities."
Xiangling tilted her head, her smile unwavering. "Oh, I'm sure you're great at lots of things, General! But cooking's a different kind of challenge—let me show you the basics!" she said, her tone encouraging as she rolled up her sleeves and grabbed a knife.
The video cut to a montage of culinary chaos, each scene more absurd than the last. Ei attempted to chop the fish, her movements precise but overly forceful, the knife slicing through the cutting board and embedding itself in the counter. Xiangling winced, her smile faltering as she gently pried the knife free. "Um… maybe a lighter touch, General?" she suggested, her tone diplomatic.
Next, Ei tried to cook the rice, but instead of adding water, she poured in an entire bottle of soy sauce, turning the pot into a salty, inedible mess. Xiangling's eyes widened in horror, her hands flailing as she tried to salvage the situation. "No, no, no—rice needs water, not soy sauce!" she exclaimed, her voice a mix of panic and amusement.
The final straw came when Ei attempted to fry the lavender melons, her Electro Vision sparking as she channeled a bolt of lightning into the pan. The melons exploded in a burst of purple energy, the kitchen filling with smoke as the pan caught fire. Xiangling yelped, grabbing a bucket of water to douse the flames, while Guoba ran in circles, his tiny paws flailing as he tried to help. Ei stood amidst the chaos, her expression a mix of confusion and indignation. "This… is not eternal," she muttered, her voice a low growl as she glared at the smoldering pan.
The chat exploded with laughter, the audience unable to contain their amusement at the Electro Archon's culinary misadventures.
Yae Miko: "I knew she couldn't cook, but this is even worse than I imagined!"
Yoimiya: "She set the kitchen on fire with lightning—how is that even possible?!"
Kujou Sara: "This… this must be a lie! The General would never…"
Kamisato Ayaka: "I feel a little bad for her… but it's so funny!"
Hu Tao: "Hahaha, this is better than any ad for the Wangsheng Funeral Parlor!"
Xiangling: "Wait, that's me?! Oh no, I didn't mean to make things worse!"
Guoba: "Lulu…"
Arataki Itto: "I take it back—she's way worse than me! I've never set a kitchen on fire!"
Kuki Shinobu: "Boss, that's not something to be proud of…"
Back at the camp, Xander and the others were doubled over with laughter, the absurdity of the video a welcome reprieve from the tension of their mission. Paimon clutched her stomach, her tiny body shaking as she giggled. "She used lightning to cook melons—lightning!" she exclaimed, her voice a mix of disbelief and delight.
Ying wiped a tear from her eye, her laughter subsiding as she caught her breath. "I didn't think the Electro Archon could be so… clueless," she said, her tone a mix of amusement and sympathy.
Eula smirked, her icy demeanor softened by the humor. "I suppose even gods have their weaknesses," she said, her tone dry but her eyes warm with amusement. "Though I'll admit, I wouldn't want to be in Xiangling's shoes right now."
Jean set the map aside, her exhaustion forgotten as she smiled at the group. "It's a good reminder that even the most powerful among us can struggle with the simplest things," she said, her voice gentle. "But I hope the General takes it in stride—Inazuma doesn't need a culinary crisis on top of everything else."
Xander leaned back, his grin wide as he watched the chat continue to flood with reactions. He'd chosen well—Ei's stoic nature and Xiangling's chaotic energy had created a perfect storm of comedy, one that had the entire continent laughing. But as he watched the video end, a new thought crossed his mind. The second creation broadcasts were exposing the gods' vulnerabilities, and while Ei might dismiss it as a "false image," Zhongli and Venti were clearly rattled. Perhaps it was time to give them a break—and turn his attention to another target. But who?
As the broadcast room closed, the campfire crackled, its flames casting flickering shadows on the canyon walls. Tomorrow, they would face Teucer and the Abyss Order in a battle for Mondstadt's soul—but for now, they rested, their spirits lifted by the laughter and the bonds they'd forged.
***
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