Savannah tugged her lightweight beige knitted cardigan closer to herself. The air hadn't turned chilly in the mid-September weather yet, but her nerves had hit a new high. She wanted-needed something more than a cute top to feel secure and not over-the-top.
Her morning hadn't gone the way she thought it would. Then again, it had, with more anxiety than she thought. She could have done with less of that.
First set back? She didn't sleep well that night. Plagued with everything that could possibly go wrong on a not-date meeting.
Second, finding something that didn't scream over-the-top, but also not this-is-my-lazy-wear was more troubling than it should have been. Over-thinking had quickly become the top problem that nearly had the words written on her phone in a text to Asmodeus, but no matter how long her thumb hovered over the send button, she never hit the tiny sideways triangle button.
That had to be a sign, right?
Or it was just her own way of telling herself that she did want to meet up with him again. Over coffee. In a small cafe where music wouldn't be blaring into their ears. Or crowded with bodies that would have probably rather stripped the fabric from the person they danced with, right then and there.
At least at the cafe, it was warm, cozy, and quiet. Least of all, public. Not that she didn't trust Asmodeus, but she knew to be cautious, even with someone she had been talking to for four weeks. They had only met once.
Asmodeus stood outside the café, dressed in a pair of dark-washed jeans that clung to his thighs. He wore a black jacket and nearly missed the grey t-shirt that was hidden from the side view as he was angled toward the cafe, staring down at his phone with furrowed brows. He was dressed casual, but then again, she didn't think he could wear anything that wouldn't look good on him.
A small part of her wondered if it was his brothers that were messaging him. She didn't know the full story of what brought them to the small, yet still large city of Cortland, but she was afraid to dive deeper into that territory. It wasn't even her place to know that if this never went any place anyway.
A small smile spread across her face when Asmodeus raised his head, meeting her gaze. The lines in his forehead ceased to exist, leaving behind the smooth skin as if wrinkles didn't exist. His eyes brightened from the dark choppy waves, leaving whatever storm brewed moments ago.
"Hi," Savannah greeted, stopping a few feet from him.
Asmodeus smiled. His blue eyes lighting up that seemed to trace across her face. "Hello, darlin."
The endearment, against the better judgement of the voice in the back of her mind, made her chest feel lighter. It was different than hearing his voice in her mind whenever she read his texts, imagining him saying those exact words right in front of her.
His eyes trailed from hers and down to her attire. "Are you cold?"
Savannah glanced down at her hands, loosening the light grip she had on the ends of her cardigan sleeve. "Oh, no. I just..." her voice trailed off, not knowing what to say other than the truth; which was more embarrassing than she cared to admit.
She had no reason to be nervous. He didn't push her to ask him out on a date-if she could even call it that. It was meeting up to chat over a cup of coffee.
It wasn't a date. It was to get to know him more than she already did.
Who are you kidding, Sav? Obviously not yourself.
Asmodeus's voice came out low, softer than any of the other times she had talked to him. "We don't have to do this today if you don't want to."
Savannah's gaze almost snapped up to meet his and shook her head, quickly denying what he was saying. "No." His endless ocean blue eyes stared back at her. "I‐I want this."
The words surprised herself. Not only what she meant on the surface, but underneath it too-she wanted that something with him. She didn't want to let go of what she felt for Asmodeus. The endless soaring feeling as if she had grown wings and could see the world in a different light. Albeit, that was a harder pill to swallow than she thought. A view she wasn't ready to admit that she might no longer view as the righteous path.
Asmodeus's lip curled into a smirk. His blue eyes gleamed down at her, surrounding her in the depths she had missed since that night. The same ones she tried to imagine and had failed horribly. Because his eyes weren't something she could ever recreate in her mind. They seemed ever changing, filled with new turns and possibilities that were unpredictable.
And it scared her at the same time that it invigorated her.
"Shall we?"
Savannah's lips curled into a smile, gazing down to avoid those piercing eyes that seemed to read her so easily.
The bell above the door chimed when he opened it, resting his hand against the small of her back when she stepped toward him.
It was a kind gesture. One she rarely had seen in real life that set the small spark of desire aflare. She hadn't been in his presence for more than a few minutes and she already felt like she was a goner.
The cafe wasn't that crowded yet. A few patrons were seated at tables closest to the door, drinking their steaming cups of coffee with either a muffin or pastry, talking with the person across from them or reading some book.
Stepping up to the counter, Savannah had to stomp down the feeling that gripped at her chest when Vivian's eyes trailed up Asmodeus's figure. Vivian was a regular worker that Savannah had seen when she stopped in, but she had never conversed with her as much as Allison, the other worker who usually worked morning.
One glance told her how little Asmodeus paid attention to the eyes that followed him. His eyes scanned the menu over Vivian's head with little interest to the silent exchange she had as she met Vivian's gaze.
It took everything she had not to shift her feet and move away. To distance herself from the man beside her that made her feel more than she thought possible, while adding guilt to her plate at even feeling that way in the slightest. As if the two months of grieving Arielle weren't enough.
Asmodeus's hand rested against her hip, whether he felt or noticed the shift in the air or not, and kept her from moving away, shifting his attention down to her with a smile.
"What would you like, Savannah?"
Even though she liked hearing her name falling from his lips like a cascading waterfall, she also missed the endearment. A sort of claim she had no right to put on it, but it was there either way.
Savannah cleared her throat and rattled off what she usually ordered; a simple hazelnut coffee and caramel cheesecake. It was a mild surprise to hear him order the same cheesecake and a black coffee.
Vivian's smile never reached her eyes as she cast a glance between them and took the cash Asmodeus held out-against her protest to pay for herself.
"Next time, I'll let you pay. For me, that is. I hear there's some controversy nowadays about that."
Next time? It took a bit of effort to force the giddy smile from appearing on her face at the idea. Savannah didn't even bother to comment of the latter half of his sentence, because he wasn't wrong. Not that she would ever feel put out or make him pay for everything every time. It was the fact they hadn't even finished their first da-meeting, and he was already thinking of the next.
"What has you in such deep thought?"
Savannah zeroed in on Asmodeus's blue eyes, noticing her coffee that he held out to her. Their order had gotten done and placed onto the counter for them to grab while she had zoned out on the man before her and what to call their situation.
"Thanks," Savannah said, taking her coffee. She gripped the cup and let the warmth from it seep into hands, finding comfort as she questioned what his words meant. "What did you mean, 'pay for you'? Isn't the point to pay the whole bill as courtesy?"
The corners of Asmodeus's lip curled into a small smile while he picked up the two pie shaped containers. He gestured to an empty booth in the back. It was a little ways away from anyone else, but she didn't mind that. It was almost where she usually sat when she came here, wanting a slight get-away away from her apartment, but not completely in solitude.
The air dissipated around her with every step, leaving her breathless and weightless. Every moment left a wake of warm droplets that spread throughout her, making her want more.
Asmodeus didn't speak until she was seated in the chair he pulled out for her after setting his coffee and the containers down on the table. He took the seat across from her, sliding one of the containers over to her and set his in front of him before he spoke. "As long as you're with me, you'll never pay for yourself."
With him? What way did he mean by that exactly? "But tha-"
Asmodeus cut her off, shaking his head with a smile. "Never. I may let you pay for me as you wish, but you'll never pay for yourself."
Savannah peered into the depths of the ocean and didn't think she would win any argument over that anytime soon...if at all.
His chuckle seemed to resonate in the chatter filled café, and she wished there was a way to hear that everyday without feeling like she committed a sin against God with how it made her feel.
Jesus, even David hadn't elicited feelings like that with her. One was like an oasis that appeared in the middle of a desert, only to be disappointed when the mirage broke and reality set in. Asmodeus was the opposite of that. It was like already standing on a sandy beach, feeling the cool waves of the shore lap across your feet that begged you to walk further in and feel more of it.
"What's your favorite color?"
Savannah was surprised by the question. It was so...generic. But how could she say anything against it? She didn't even know what to ask him.
Savannah took a sip of her coffee, eyeing the white container. The tip of her finger brushed across the edge, silently tapping on the table. "If you asked me earlier this year, I would have said the bright green of leaves and grass when it grew back in Spring."
"And now?"
Meeting Asmodeus gaze when his question came was a hard movement to make. Her gaze barely raised, peering at him over her lashes. "The colors of leaves in the Fall, just before they become duller and break off from their life force."
Watching emotions cross Asmodeus face quicker than she could decipher before it fell into a familiar sorrow. It made her wonder if she was being more of a downer than she planned.
"I shou-"
"No," Asmodeus cut off, making her gaze snap to his. His cerulean blue eyes trained on hers. "Don't apologize. It doesn't matter what it is, don't hold back from saying how you feel."
Savannah tucker her bottom lip between her teeth, lowering her head to stare at her mug of coffee and unopened cheesecake. All it took was a pinch of her forefinger and thumb, revealing the light caramel poured over the cheesecake. The silence wasn't uncomfortable, per se, but she needed a moment to collect her thoughts.
Digging her fork into the cheesecake and breaking off a piece gave her the time she needed, lifting the fork and her gaze as she stared at Asmodeus. The cup pressed against his lips as he took a sip of his coffee. "I just think that no matter what happens, eventually life changes. Who you are, your looks, maybe personality, perspectives, and... beliefs."
Asmodeus lowered the cup, his gaze never wavering at her words and she couldn't try to read what he was thinking. "And what of Spring? It's a new beginning. When life sprouts from the cold winter that ended it. The colors it flourishes as if they had never been tainted?"
No words seemed to form at the tip of her tongue. Every time Savannah opened her mouth, thinking she had something to say, they died before she could grasp them. Whether it was the symmetry of his words or the perspective they gave off, the words fell short of how they felt deep inside. Asmodeus didn't say anything, seeming to give her the time she needed to process his words. Because she did. The cold and dead world giving way to something newer and brighter when Winter came to an end? It sounded like falling into frigid waters that seeped into your very soul when everything seemed unfair and turn against you.
Rolling her lips inward, she cleared her throat. "That's one way to look at it."
It didn't change that everything still felt like it wouldn't sprout back to life as it once had, though. Was the ground too frozen to give leeway to the life that tried to break through?
"Look at it this way," Asmodeus began, his voice a soft caress that seemed to want to ease the words toward her. "Eventually, life does begin again. It may not be the bud of a plant growing or the snow melting to give color back from the harsh and unforgiving winter. It fades, leaving a reminder of what once was and what we look forward to once it ends, even if it sits in the back of your mind that it'll always be there, whether it comes back or not."
Savannah didn't think he was still talking about winter or the frozen droplets of rain that formed snow as they fell to the ground, blanketing parts of the world in . There was a beauty to winter, that was undeniable, but it was also everything he spoke about. What happened if the snow never let up? What if the snow never melted and encased your world in the frigid coldness that surrounded your life in white?
"Does it?" Savannah asked before she could retract it. What kind of date-it wasn't a date, she reminded herself, wanted to dive down as far as they were at the moment? No one. That's who. She was sure he'd walk out of those cafe doors and never text her again.
"It does," he replied just as easily. There wasn't a hint of reproach in his tone, just a-matter-of-fact. As if he knew in the end, everything would be okay. "Do you...want to tell me about her?"
Savannah shook her head and Asmodeus didn't push the topic. In hindsight, he changed it, asking her about her job and what got her into it. And she did while Asmodeus listened, answering every question he tossed out there. They were never crude or worded in any way that made her shrink into herself or doubt the smile that graced his face when she went off track. It was more than she could remember receiving from David. The two were vastly different that it made her wonder how blind and idiotic she had been to not notice it before she caught him cheating.
It was hard to deny that her eyes kept dropping to his lips each time they wrapped around the fork.
Shaking her head, Savannah blocked those thoughts from her mind. They didn't make her any better than David, though it didn't stop the feelings that coursed through her veins and warmed her whole body.