Writing letters to my mother and Odin help me process things. But there are questions and answers I wish I already had. Asking for a list of my curses should help me. It's doubtful Odin will let me know. He needs the full list and the counters for them. I really don't. I'm being protected through those curses.
Feels foolish to write these letters even if I can't not write them. I seal Odin's letter letting his magic pull it back. We go back and forth often. Both of us hide a lot while also giving so much. It's been that way since the beginning.
My mother's letter... I wish to personally deliver. I wonder if I can or if I have to pass it along. How long would it take to reach her? Would my father intervene?
It would be best if I can take it to her myself. Leaving my room has me aware much of the place is settling down. Would the information booth be open? Would the gateguards stop me from leaving? Mom would be awake yet. Probably relaxing with a knitting project in her room. Nothing quite like counting slowly each stitch. It's meditation for her I never really got into. Although I can see it work on her, so I don't question it.
I stop before the person reading a book at the booth. "Are you staffed all night?"
"No. Midnight to four, the booth is closed. You'll only have guards to talk to." The knight offers placing his book down. "What's up trainee?"
"I want to leave. Deliver this letter. My family is here in the capital. I won't be far." I thumb behind me. Won't even set off the tracer spell.
The knight checks the clock. "Normally it's marked unsafe, but it seems you gain special privileges." Did he see my forms? "Good luck. Be back before midnight or there may be hounds sent after you."
"Thanks. I hope it doesn't take that long." That's hours away. Glad the booth is covered for most of the day. Just a small window where information cannot be accessed. Maybe I'll ask for off hours once I know how to run it. Looks like only one is on at this time. Much of the day had three staffing it.
I nod to the guards before walking into the capital. I know my path. I won't be getting close to much of anything. It's not far to travel from the knights halls and the main castle.
I look at the entrance and skip it. I'll go up by the stables. My room should have a window open. It always does this time of year. Then I can travel with less people aware of me.
Weird to be coming home. It feels like home still, too. Landing in my room has me aware I don't miss it. Unlike the fuss Ryan and Jessica have mentioned, I don't mind the options at the knights. It is too luxurious here. Not that I would complain, but I really don't need it.
The scream at the door isn't shocking. It ends with Abigail placing a hand on her chest trying to calm down. "Your Highness."
"I told you Thomas was fine. You've been working here since I was a toddler." It's when I got my own wing. Before that I was in a side room of my mother's. And often both my parents were there. They split after I left. I half questioned if I was the problem. Words on the grape vine made me confident it wasn't truly me. I should be lucky they stayed together while I lived in that room. Sad thoughts. "I'm bringing a letter to my mother."
Abigail exhales and motions to the door. "I am dusting your room and changing the sheets. I didn't think my weekly stop would include you though. Aren't you a knight now?"
"You're on weekly cycles now?"
"Yes. If you are not here, we only need to clean your rooms weekly. Unless someone stays here. Did you wish to add anyone to your list?"
I weigh those words. I can't name Jessica or Callie. "Ryan Telligence, please."
"I will let them know. They'll probably double check with you."
"Always do. I'll give warning if he's denied again." It has been a few rare times I had 'friends'. Felt unreal though. Always did. I mark them allowed into my wing. But I could not name a possible engaged. That would basically guarantee the mess currently surfacing continuing. Not something I want to deal with at all. "I'm going to see my mother."
"Yes, of course. Please enjoy your evening, Your Highness."
"It's Thomas." I say while heading out into the hall. Abigail won't tell anyone any time soon. It will end up recorded. I may get a negative response for showing up like I did. Who knows anymore. Knowing the patterns of the guards has me not seen by anyone else on my trip to my mother's wing. She has guards posted at her door though.
They clearly will see me. I can't just slip in her window. Thinking about it... I probably could. I should check to see where her windows are so I can climb into her window. I smile at the idea of Odin copying. Can't say I'd be against such happening. But I also know the loyalty both my mother and Odin have. I can't wish my father's death just to give them a comforting connection. Maybe Odin is guilty enough to accept the trapped tower situation. That could be it.
"No entrance." The guards don't really see me.
I'm dressed as a knight. Not like I know my mother's guards all by name. I know those who wander my wings, though. Important to know who gains information about you. "Can you ask her if she'll see Thomas?"
They stare at me for a long moment. One nods to the other before stepping into the room. We wait at the door. After a few minutes, the guard returns. "Her Majesty is willing to accept Thomas into her rooms for a brief visit."
"Thank you." I offer a proper bow before entering. I'll guess they know who I am exactly now. Even if I didn't use my full name.
"Thomas." The queen looks at me from her doorway. She looks ready for bed. By the piece of yarn stuck to her nightgown, I'll assume the actual action was as I expected. She knits for comfort. "What are you doing here? Your father would be angry." She wraps me in a hug.
"I snuck into the castle. He won't know right away." I step back to offer her a letter. "I wanted to deliver it myself."
"You could've asked anyone. Knights are given ease of allowance."
"Still... if Father... he could've denied it reaching you." I'm not sure who to trust to make sure it reaches Mom.
"Shall I read it now?" The queen motions me to her little knitting circle. I sit down as she returns to her chair. She isn't going to knit before me unless we switch to just conversation. The queen takes a moment to read the letter I wrote. "Are you... Asking me to help you train?" her eyes reach mine.
I nod. "Please."
"My child... I shouldn't."
"If I made father agree... Would you?"
"Make your father...? Oh honey, it's more than that."
"It's not joining a war, Mom. It's to help those in the halls train. You can spend a few hours a week giving insight few others could. You have access to files as well as great battles under your belt. I know why Father fell for you. To save his life..."
"Thomas..." The queen offers such a soft smile. "Thank you for the consideration, but I do believe knights who become mothers are denied."
"Why?"
"Because... Children need their parents."
"Parents?" I eye her. "Then fathers shouldn't join either."
"Pregnancy and childbirth are dangerous for the body. We-"
"Then I can understand if you are newly a mother, but now? It's been years. Are you suggesting you are still weak after Xavier's birth?"
Mother turns from me. She fingers her knitting. It's a comfort for her. "It's complicated."
"He's not even in the side rooms anymore." I motion to the room I also stayed in. But when I was there, both of my parents were here. Xavier didn't get that. He only had Mom. "Are you too weak? I'll rescind my thoughts, then. I cannot request someone too disabled to enter."
"I am well enough." The queen picks up her knitting to continue her work. It's fluid. Comforting to see her knit. "But Thomas..."
"I'll petition the courts. Father may try to deny me, but if I gain enough backing among the nobles, I cannot see this as an impossible quest." I stand up. My mother flinches. "Do you hate the idea? Do you not wish to join the knights again?"
"There is regret." Mother says putting her knitting down again. "It has been a while since I waved a sword around. It is rare I even get to throw a spell. It may do we well to visit if only to exercise some." The queen stands. She offers me a strong hug. "I'll request first. I will lead the petition if needed. Thank you for the confidence."
"Mom..." I close my eyes savoring this small moment. As much as I've experienced so much, I didn't receive what most did. They had their parents involved in their lives directly. Everything I gained is because of my parents, but there were days I never saw them. Weeks at a time where I I could not recall if my parents had a moment of time for me. Not even at meals it was guaranteed. Would I think this is proper exchange? Everything given to me freely excluding familial love and freedom.
"Go back." The queen pushes me toward her doors. "I will not be asking tonight. Focus on training. You'll hear word soon. You can request to join those courts if a petition is needed."
"Okay. Hope to see you soon, Mom." I step out of her rooms. I look at each guard. "Thanks. I'm going back now. Protect Mom for me." The guards say nothing to me as I make my way out.
I pick leaving by the main entrance. I want everyone to know I left. There cannot be anyone blocking me from returning to the halls. At best they can just force guard for the trip. No one bothers with that though. I know my way. Getting to Mom was the hard part. Returning to the knights is easy enough. I offer a nod to the information knight on duty. He smirks back. Glad he didn't call me Highness. He had to know who I was.
I collapse on my bed. Single room because I'm crown prince. Allowance to leave because I'm crown prince. "Who would exchange their life for mine though? All the items I could want, all the knowledge, but no freedom and so much distance from those I should rely on first."
I roll on to my side. I don't want to repeat my parents mistakes. Not sure how to though. Everyone is setting me up to just do what has always been done. What if my parents always doting on me like they did those first few years? What would my life be like now?