JUDE
A splitting headache rouses me from the deep sleep I am in.
I wish it didn't, but I can't ignore it anymore. That and the fact that I feel like puking so much. It takes me a moment to realize that I am not alone; there is someone else in bed with me.
Slowly raising my head, I see that Miko is fast asleep, away from me as far as he can be, but still … he didn't leave like I half expected him to.
Trying to get out of bed quietly as I can, I tiptoe towards the door, ignoring the migraine and hangover, and gingerly make my way to my room. My body has woken me up early, even though I was so drunk yesterday that I barely remember most of it.
All I know is that there was teri. Then a guy who wouldn't leave Miko's side, and then there was Miko. Miko is carrying me on his back, feeding me, and bringing me home.
The cold water hits my skin, and I sigh, head bowing. I feel confused but also good. On edge but also scared. I don't know what I am scared of, what I am confused about, but the feeling is there.
I take some meds and water before stepping out of the shower, and dress in my gym clothes before I get out of my room. I don't know why, but I pause at the closed door opposite mine.
Is he still asleep?
I don't remember him being drunk yesterday. Or did I just not notice? All I remember is how gentle he was with me. He held me even as I puked. He didn't seem at all disturbed or even embarrassed that I had gotten drunk at the party.
I need to do something for him as a thank you.
By the time I am getting back, the sun is up, and someone is already up and preparing breakfast.
"Morning," I take a glass and fill it with cold water. "I didn't know anyone would be up right now."
"Do you normally jog every day?" Rin doesn't look up from the stove.
"Yeah. I wanted to sleep in, but I couldn't. Why are you up though?"
"I always wake up early."
"Really? I might have missed you."
Rin doesn't look up, his back to me as he goes on flipping his eggs.
"I usually am in the studio for a few hours before coming down for breakfast," he serves himself a plate of eggs and then pours coffee in a cup before turning to face me. "Do you need me to fix you a plate?"
"No, thanks," I sit at the kitchen island. Is it tense or am I just anxious because we have never really been alone, like this? I still remember what the other members told me about Rin, and I have always been walking on eggshells around him.
But I remember he told me to be open and not hesitate to go to him if I needed anything. This morning, though, it feels like I did something I shouldn't have done. Maybe he saw me and isn't really impressed with my behaviour.
How do I start apologizing? I stand up and get a cup of coffee.
"Didn't want mine then?"
I turn around to see that Rin's gaze on on his food. "Oh, no, I am fixing Miko a cup. He is still asleep."
Rin slams his cup on the island. "he can get his coffee."
"I know, but I am sort of doing this as a thank you gesture for taking care of me last night."
"What did you guys do?"
"Oh, just had a quick dinner by the park, then we came home. I was a little wasted to remember much of it, honestly," I chuckle.
"He does tend to have that hero complex. It's his nature to take pity on people and want to take care of them."
I feel my gut drop, and I put the cup down on the island. My hands are a little shaky, so I fiddle with the handle.
Rin sighs, as he rakes his fingers through his hair. "Don't worry, though, I am sure he won't hold it over your head. Knowing Miko and I do, he doesn't think much about it."
Right. I forgot.
"Okay," I nod, forcing out a tight smile. "I will get going then, I need a shower."
"mn."
Only when I reach my floor and I am standing in front of my door that I remember that I have left the cup of coffee in the kitchen.
It will be another bother, trying to appease him when he thinks it is nothing.
It shouldn't feel this way. I shouldn't feel this tight ache in my chest about any of this, but I do. Why do I feel that, and what is this feeling?
Why did I feel this tight feeling when Rin said that he knew Miko more than I do? Yes, I just joined them, but I still can't ignore the pinch I felt in my heart.
It hurts to think that he saw me as a charity case yesterday. He took me to his favourite spot in the whole city. So does that still mean nothing? Was it all nothing to him? Why does it bother me this much?
Does everyone get drunk for the first time and wake up feeling more confused, or is it just me?
Rin has crossed a line. I am not entitled to miko, not entitled to feel anything he does, and I will respect that. I am here to work anyway.
I don't need to make enemies or cross people, let alone take an interest in people who are claimed. He already has a best friend, he doesn't need another. I am not a fool to think that sometimes when I catch Miko looking at me, I don't want to bask in that attention.
That perhaps I don't want to get closer to him and be friends. But all of that doesn't happen when you see someone as a bother or as work that you have to take care of. I hate that I may have bothered him, and yet in my mind, in my perspective, I was happy, giddy to be looked after.
Maybe it's time I learned my place in the group and focused on what brought me here.