A smile grew on my lips as my thoughts wandered to other things, triggering Alijah to flick my forehead.
"Oi! Concentrate, or you can hurt yourself without wanting to." He huffed, rolling his eyes.
I sighed, plucking a feather off the bird as it wasn't long before I fell behind again. He was much better at it than I was at preparing our food. When he finished, I wasn't even halfway done with mine, but instead of hurrying me up, he kept giving me tips on how to do it right.
Usually, people would scald the bird to make it easier to pluck, but we didn't have the resources. Alijah, though, was used to doing it without hot water. This entire experience made me admire my wolf even more.
You're a hunter at heart.
Again, I was getting ahead of myself with useless thoughts. His words made me wonder if he had taught anyone else or had done something like this with Lilith.
Why can't I separate them?
It wasn't long until the negative thoughts invaded my mind.
Ah… Why didn't I think of this before? Perhaps you're using this as an excuse not to embrace me.
When the last feather came off, Alijah stood up from where he was, heading to grab a knife from his bag.
You… don't have to do this with me if you don't want to.
Maybe I had been too forceful with my confession. He was relieving himself from the drug when I did that.
Just because you love to tease me doesn't mean you want to do those things with me. At least romantically, like I'm pushing it to be. Crap! Doesn't that make me like every other girl you've met? Selfish and ugly in the heart… I… I don't want to…
"Alijah... does doing those things with me bother you?" I asked, hoping he would be truthful with me.
After all, the last thing I wanted was to make him uncomfortable, and he had a significant past of sexual abuse. I never wanted to resemble any of the people that came before me. However, this question was a little late after everything that happened.
I should've asked you sooner. I'm sorry for being an idiot.
"What? You mean the sex?" He asked, walking back towards me with the knife in his hand.
"Yes," I answered, hoping he would crush my feelings.
If he did, it would free me from everything, yet instead, he...
"No, Rem. I'm not bothered by it. If anything, I'm growing fond of holding you every night." Alijah smirked at me, sitting beside me again.
I frowned, unable to tell if this wolf that held my heart in his hands was truthful. He had always been straightforward, yet…
"Are you lying?" I asked, glancing away from him and back into the featherless bird in my hands.
He sighed, "I don't lie, Rem. I actually think I'm lacking a filter in most cases."
My gaze fell on him as he bit his lip before leaning closer to me.
"Rem, no man would ever think being with you is a curse. Though you hold me on a tight leash." He whispered into my ear, sending shivers down my spine in anticipation of his touch.
Is it really okay for me to want you this much?
"I see. Maybe I should shorten it more." I grumbled, feeling my cheeks burn.
He licked my neck in response to my words.
"Let's finish this, and I'll show you how short it already is, " he teased as I glanced at him with hopeful eyes.
Then, he closed the small gap between us, kissing me lightly on my lips. Separating from me right away, he opened his mouth only to close it and grab the bird from my hands.
Ah… What was that?
In a matter of minutes, he prepared one bird while helping me with the other. Once they were ready, we placed them near the fire to cook before we washed our hands in the lake. After we were done, Alijah sat by the water's edge, peering at the horizon.
I could only gaze at him when he slowly turned to meet my eyes.
"Rem, why did you say you loved me?" he asked, catching me off guard.
Even though I wanted to take those words back and protect my heart, the fact I told him so many times how I felt wouldn't let me. I couldn't run away from him anymore.
"Because I do." I breathed, shaking my hands to dry them.
Alijah gazed at me, scrunching his eyes as those words made no sense. After everything he went through, those words thrown at him were meaningless. Yet my affection differed from those he was used to, or at least I hoped it was.
"You've only known me for a short time, though. How can you say that to me without knowing me?" He questioned, shaking his head.
A soft hum left my lips as I sat next to him before scooching over closer.
If… I don't tell you the truth now. You'll never heal, will you? Hey… Alijah… You're capable of being loved.
"That's not true. I feel like I've known you for a long time." I confessed, remembering every dream I had with him before that fateful day in the lake.
Every moment we spent together in that space was our escape—well, at least it was my nirvana.
"Because of what Lilith told you about me?" Alijah's query continued.
I shook my head slightly, giggling, remembering my first dream of him. He wasn't as rough as he was on the day of the lake, but he was utterly cold to me.
You are a total grump and annoying. Oh, I thought you were annoying at first, especially after I fought with my mother about wanting more freedom. It all started when I stormed into her room and found your picture—long before she told me who you were.
At that point, I was fifteen, and he was the most prominent grumpy person I had ever met. They even went as far as calling me a twerp and told me to mind my own business.
It was only us two there! You weren't as different as you are now, either.
I remember throwing the first thing that I found at him because he pissed me off. In response to my aggression, the grump growled at me loudly before telling me to fuck off. Perhaps he didn't get violent because I was a kid back then.
Come to think of it, most of my naughty dreams began after I was seventeen. Before then, they were so innocent and didn't go past a simple brush of the hands. We mostly talked about things and explored the world we created that day.
I think I was the one who started the intimacy, too much like I did in our reality in the cave. Oh goodness, Rem, you vixen.
Those dreams were lucid, allowing me to remember everything we said and did together. It didn't help that I recorded every dream in a journal I had left back home. Most of my dreams started in this empty white space where he would appear a few seconds later after I arrived.
Once there, we would transform the terrain into a new place. In my dream, I never asked for his name, nor did he ask for mine. We accompanied each other through it all.
All of that was probably my mind playing tricks on me.
Even in the most passionate dreams, I never screamed his name or did I tell him mine.
We only ever used code names for each other. Alijah called me twerp or dove, while I called him a grumpy old wolf. It quickly changed to wolf after my seventeenth birthday.
Those dreams were an escape for me.
However, I kept it that way because the moment I learned Alijah's name, I knew he wasn't meant for me.
At least in those dreams with you, you were mine alone.
It was a silly thought that I had stopped having them. Instead, I had the real thing next to me.
Ah... I'm a weird one.
He would probably freak out the moment he knew everything. I was perhaps the most significant creep he had ever met.
Yes, I was a stalker—an obsessed girl. Yet All I want is your happiness; the cost doesn't matter.
"No, but you wouldn't understand and probably think I'm creepy." I bit into my bottom lip, shifting my gaze away from him briefly.
Woman up, Rem. All of this was your choice.
"Eh, I'm sorry to tell you, but you've been the weirdest person I've ever met. I mean, you even talk to ghosts. So, doesn't that make you already a creep?" Alijah teased me.
Of course, you would say that.
I grumbled, "You're a jerk, but not that I mind it much."
A soft chuckle was released from my beloved wolf, as there wasn't a scary bone in this man if one got to know him.
"Hey, Alijah... did you ever dream when you were stuck in that realm?" I asked, catching him off guard as well.
For a moment, my wolf glanced at me before cocking his head. Time flowed differently there, which made me believe that perhaps my dreams were with him, like when he had connected with Mom all those years ago.
A silly hope I can't let go of.
My heart sped up while I awaited my answer, yet I felt crumbling.
"I can't say that I dreamt when I was there," Alijah answered after pondering it for a while.
His answer felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest.
Ah… I was delusional and a complete mess. We aren't fated at all.
I tried to hold back my tears while I faced him, but before I could say anything, Alijah smiled gently.
"Ah... I did have these moments when I zoned out, I guess." He added, catching my attention.
Oh... how cruel hope was.
"Moments?" I clung to those words like I never thought I would.
It was like grasping at straws, which I knew would only end in disappointment. Yet I wanted those moments that I spent with him to be authentic. For all the years I spent dreaming with him to be imprinted into his heart.
"Yeah, like daydreams. I don't think I ever slept while in that, but there were moments I…" He trailed off, narrowing his eyes.
I tried to shut myself down.
This has to stop. It's better now than later. This hope is poisonous to me.
"About your Lilith?" I asked, biting my lip nervously.
Alijah gazed out at the lake, shaking his head slightly.
"I don't know, " he answered, leaving me with nothing to help me control my overwhelming emotions.
"Ah… I see." I breathed, clasping onto my chest.
He wouldn't leave me like that for long, though.
No... you would...
"Though I was happy after having them. Usually, whenever I thought about Lilith, I was angrier than usual, but in those moments, I felt at peace. Anyway, you're changing the topic." Alijah added, turning to me, filling my heart with a dangerous hope.
Why are you so ambiguous about it? Just crush me. Please... don't fill me up with this… then…
"So... you didn't daydream about Lilith at all?" I tried to pry deeper.
I loved him more than this world, and it was spilling out of me again.
Why can't I hold back, even though I know I'll never be number one in your life?
"No, I think it was a girl, but I can never remember her face after. I initially thought it was your mother, but her face never got clearer, even though I met her. Why are you asking me this instead of answering my question?" Alijah frowned.
He wasn't hiding anything from me.
Yet, can I believe you? Ah… my heart can't take much more of this.