I wish you would just say them, just spit it out, even if it would kill you.
Haunted by the phrase of the sentence, eating you up inside, you know without a doubt that it would make things better. Yet you prolong the answer, let it eat you up inside like a disease.
You would rather die with the truth than tell it, sitting on the stairs with flurries in your mind. Your nose leaks with foul iron as your body rots beneath the pressure.
No monster could be scarier than confrontation, and hot tears are beaming on your teeth, stained with memories of coffee. Sweet, burnt beans of charcoal on your lips, melted into a steaming, filled cup of caffeinated liquid.
Bringing a temporary sip of dopamine to your sorrow-filled brain, as passion leaks out like a tainted river.
Bones brittle from the repeated abuse of hunger, your mouth is sealed, laced with a zipper that you put there. Heavy thoughts pool in your mind, a makeshift body of water that you chose to sit in, hands wrinkled, flesh mushy, and your face saggy.
Different liquids come into your pool's radius, changing the color but not the feeling you have, because you ignore it. Often acrid-violet pierces the fake sea's color, sending chunks of fleshy waste into the water. Visible discomfort plastered on your face as the soggy slush brushes up against you, the simple action of getting out would be easy. But then you would have to face the reality of what your scared area has become, what you let happen to it.
What your mind tells you and what surrounds the outer layer of your brain, the messages and thoughts that crowd it. That grabs at you and wraps around your throat as you contemplate speaking, but the consequences of each action overlap with each other. The regrets from the words you didn't say and the thorny string squeezing your chest. Seeing the person over and over, hoping nothing happens as your lips are sealed, bitten by your own teeth.
Imaginary scenarios haunting the edge of your eyelids, creeping into your REM sleep. Making it difficult to keep your eyes shut, staying awake with a shaky coffee in hand. The liquid, as before, gives temporary comfort, but the neglect of confrontation comes to remind you. Remind you of what you neglected to say, what feelings lie wrapped in a tight line around your rib cage. Slowly suffocating your movement, as you hide a smile beneath the pain.
Erratic scribbles reflecting the inner frustration that you can't get out, your version of passive screams. Blaming yourself for the things you can't control, as the things in control become far out of reach. Blurring the reality of your mind as it becomes a cycle, one that brings rivers to your eyelids. Crimson poking the surrounding parts of your eyes as they begin to drag you down. The pool that was sacred to you, now something you want to drown in, forcing yourself to look away as it is more solid than liquid.
Chest pained by the realization, with the feeling of loneliness growing stronger, the words you want to say still pressed shut. Like coffee beans against a press, squashing what hope is left by a simple tool. Wanting it all to go away, but as you continue the silence, it gets worse, morphing your ideal world into a nightmare.
The real world seems less scary as your mind crashes at you, rushes of salt overflowing as the rush of water soon comes after. Empty shells above calling you to the surface, but you continue to sink further down into the salted ocean.
Your lungs caving before your eyes close, and the simple thought of speaking finally comes to your mind. Reaching out, but there is no one to save you, the kelp wrapping around your hands. Dragging you even further down, the last thing you can see is your argument.
The fight you had with that person who started this built up over the years as you kept your feelings to yourself. Simply communicating would have aided your situation when the seed started sprouting a while ago. But you watered it for so long that it became a tree, harder to pull out, roots grounded.
Now, each time you think of the situation, it makes you upset because you didn't address it when it first came to a head, harming yourself over lost words. Chest pain from a bruised ego, and you cared for this person. At least at one point, things were good, you talked, you laughed, and enjoyed each other's company.
But the sad thing about good times is they don't always last, and you can't hide from your problems forever. No matter how many ladders you climb, you still have to break through the brick wall. Listen to others even when you don't want to, and be honest about how you feel. If it's something important to you, then it deserves to be heard, no matter how big or small. Even if it's with someone you trust or out loud to yourself, don't shut it out.
Don't let the ocean drown you, and don't let that seed grow into a tree. But if you happen to make sure you bring a life jacket with you, and bring a shovel and an axe. Swim your way back and carve that tree out of your life to get back to you, make mistakes, but learn from them. Don't hold a grudge for them because you're drinking the poison yourself, pour it out, and cut yourself free from the string, the ropes, and kelp.
Swim to the surface and make use of the shells, enjoy the sun and the beach, don't let the caffeine distract you. Drink water with a tea and your coffee, embracing each flavor, your flaws, and your time here on earth.
It's short, but it's special because it's your journey, your story, and your choice, always.